My (30F) boyfriend’s (34M) sister (32F) makes remarks that have subtly bothered me, frequently recently. Do I bring it up to my boyfriend or let it go?

A 30-year-old woman feels increasingly uncomfortable with her boyfriend’s 32-year-old sister’s blunt remarks during recent interactions. These comments, ranging from passive digs about a thoughtful gift to dismissive remarks about her career,

have made her question whether to bring up her feelings to her boyfriend or let it go. The sister is known to be “blunt,” and the boyfriend is close to her, making the situation delicate.

‘ My (30F) boyfriend’s (34M) sister (32F) makes remarks that have subtly bothered me, frequently recently. Do I bring it up to my boyfriend or let it go?’

In an attempt for me (30F) to get closer to my boyfriend’s (34M) family (whom he’s very close to), we’ve been spending more time with his sister (32F) and her husband (35M). We’ve been together for more than 2 years now.

However, a series of interactions this past month has started to make me hesitant to spend more time, but I also want to give his sister the benefit of the doubt, as none of it feels intentional. I think she’s just blunt, and I don’t want to be “too sensitive”. A couple examples:

I gifted her a nice self-care set (sheet masks, bath bombs, etc.) for her baby shower, that was definitely on the pricier side, but not a popular brand since it was an all-natural beauty product brand. I very intentionally chose this brand given she’s pregnant and checked all the ingredients on the list to ensure it was safe.

She opened the gift and said “I should be able to use this now, it’s not any of the boujee stuff” like x brand or y brand, implying that only the expensive brands would have active ingredients she couldn’t use. The gift was spendy, at the same price point as the other “boujee” brands she listed.

Her husband was laid off at work awhile back, and has been unemployed / really actively job searching given the baby is coming soon – I work in the same field as him. My boyfriend mentioned that I recently had a new job offer and was considering taking it, to which his sister says – “well that makes sense because you must have been a diversity hire.

No offense, but you know women in tech are diversity hires.” I graduated from a top university and to be honest, am definitely NOT a diversity hire. I know she’s a little upset that he still hasn’t found a job, but still.

My boyfriend and her husband were roommates during grad school, therefore, the three of them spent a TON of time together before I even met him (all went to the same school, she obviously stayed overnight there very often), during which my boyfriend also had other prior relationships.

She’s been bringing it up often – “remember when you dated x and we all went to … “. Comments started out innocent and seemed to just genuinely be past memories / reminiscing over old times (e.g., talking about a halloween party they went to on halloween), but they’ve recently gotten to be less innocent, like:

“we used to hear you and x talking through the walls at like 3am” or “Dad really liked when you dated y” These are just a couple examples. In standard reddit fashion, normally I’d just talk to him, but my concern is that a) he’s really close with / protective of her and b) he’s mentioned multiple times that she’s just blunt / that’s just her personality, so I wonder if I should just not take it personally.

TL;DR Boyfriend’s sister makes a lot of inadvertently hurtful comments. No one else has called her out on it, and it seems that is the way her personality is. Should I accept it and work on myself to not let it get to me or bring it up to my boyfriend?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Hopeful-Confusion599 −  My thoughts when reading the first example: “eh, that’s probably not intentional….” My thoughts reading the rest: “what the f**k.”

swarleyknope −  You’re not being over-sensitive – she is being rude AF. Your boyfriend should have your back on this. If he doesn’t, that’s an issue.

WritPositWrit −  Example #1 – she’s kind of a j**k for saying that. When you open a gift, you say “thank you!” That’s what polite grown ups do she behaved like a toddler. Example #2 – I would support you if you RAGED at her. That’s a really ignorant, sexist, and rude thing for her to say.

I’m an engineer and I KNOW the women I’ve worked with over the years were not “diversity hires.” They were all excellent engineers. And the majority of new hires were men.

Example #3 – maybe she hates you or maybe she just has no filter. Talk to bf, ask him to talk to her and tell her to knock it off with that kind of reminiscing because it makes HIM uncomfortable. He needs to stick to telling her it’s for HIM. Can you trust him to do that?

jasperjonns −  She doesn’t like you. Don’t you dare work on yourself to try to make her happy, because it will never happen.

frockofseagulls −  I think you could phrase it something like, “I know you’ve said your sister is blunt, but honestly it’s really just a nice way to say she’s mean and rude. She called me a diversity hire for fucks sake. I respect your relationship with her and her husband,

but the only way we can make this work is if we just socialized with them as a couple at family events. I’m not interested in being treated so poorly anymore and I have no problem with you doing things with them, but I’m out.” Could be a dealbreaker for him, but a bf with a s**tty sister is also a dealbreaker to many.

Elegant-Rectum −  When it comes to relationships, it really is your partner’s job to manage their family / friends and not yours. He should be the first line of defense when his relatives or friends say something to you or do something to you. You being hurt by his people should hurt him the same way it hurts you.

You should NEVER feel like you need to call out a partner’s relative for disrespecting you while your partner stands by silently. Her comments are clearly not inadvertent. It may be that this is just her personality (some people are naturally mean and hard to like), but that doesn’t make it okay.

Glittering-Lychee629 −  I wonder if you are afraid of bringing it up with him because you’re scared he will take her side? If this is the case, and he takes his family’s side over you a lot, think about it seriously. Do you want your whole life to be like that? Some men will always put mom, sister, dad, brother, anyone over their wife. It doesn’t ever end well for her.

flavoredwriting −  Honestly, I would mention the diversity hire AND the mentioning of your man’s exes to your boyfriend. Her saying you were the diversity hire was sooooo out of pocket and backhanded, anyone who denies that is intentionally ignorant.

If it were just that, I would still bring it up, but with an apology from the sis, I probably would have forgiven it and chalked it up to extreme stress from her hubby being jobless while she’s pregnant, but she then crosses into way out of line territory by bringing up how their father liked one of your boyfriend’s exes and him together.

That’s her plain as day taking shots directly at you because she’s decided to not like you for whatever reason. If your man can’t hear you out AND have you back from now on, I would reconsider my relationship tbh.

She’s now disrespecting your place as his gf and saying subtly that he shouldn’t be with you, if he doesn’t push back on that, that says a lot about him IMO.

andromache97 −  The examples you’ve provided sound very minor but they add up. But I think it will be easy for your bf to dismiss them, especially since you’ve said his family says she’s just like that.

Tbh I would just start very politely and “innocently” asking her to explain her rude comments. But that’s passive aggressive of me! I do think your bf will struggle to see your perspective though. That’s how it tends to go.

Milled_Oats −  My mother used to make little comments to my wife like this. I made a choice of my wife first. I cut the visit to once a year