My [29f] husband [29m] recently became disabled and now we won’t be having children. But the more that I think about it the more I desperately want them.

A Reddit user (F/29) shares her struggles with her husband’s recent disability and the impact it’s had on their plans for children. Her husband was diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (chronic fatigue syndrome), which left him bedbound, and she now serves as his sole caregiver.

After careful consideration, they both decided that having children would not be feasible due to the strain on his health and the uncertainty of his future. However, the Redditor is now grappling with intense feelings of longing for children and the emotional pain of having to let go of that dream. Read the original story below for more context.

‘ My [29f] husband [29m] recently became disabled and now we won’t be having children. But the more that I think about it the more I desperately want them.’

Background: my husband got diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/ chronic fatigue syndrome 2 years ago with a host of other medical issues. He is bedbound, and I am his sole caregiver. I spend my waking life outside of work caring, sorting appointments, cooking or attending to a need of his in some way.

Due to his new disability, and the fact it was brought on and is repeatedly made worse by a virus, my husband and I decided over the summer that children weren’t in our future. We both desperately wanted children, he was more eager to start trying before he became unwell, and I wanted to wait until my 30s.

I completely understand the reasoning behind it; infection risk from children, the detriment to his health permanently if he gets infected with things, his lack of ability to be an equal parent, the uncertainty of what his own future looks like care wise and the strain that would have on me. The biggest one is the effect something like that would have on a child, it’s not fair to them.

However, the more I realise its not happening the more I want them. I literally yearn for it. I watch videos of cute kids and babies, and I have to go and take myself away and have a cry when my peers talk about children or I’m around children. I literally fantasise about what it would be like to meet someone and have a child and go through pregnancy and birth and all the major developmental milestones. It’s starting to really depress me.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t give up on him, I made a vow and i love him. Weve been childhood sweethearts since we were 15 and ill completely destroy him if i walk away. But I don’t know if I can live my whole life child free. Please can someone offer advice who has been through similar?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

AFunkyFox −  I don’t have any advice for this tricky situation, but OP, I wish you the best in whatever happens <3

Waytoloseit −  I have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Ehler-Danlos Syndrome.  My first bought with wrestling with these diseases (the RA triggered the underlying chronic fatigue making it much worse) left me bed bound for three months. I was in so much pain I could barely move.

I had a toddler at the time and was absolutely heartbroken that I couldn’t get out of bed and play with him. I would cry as I watched the days of summer pass by in a blur… But I couldn’t give up because I had my little guy to fight for.

My husband and I got creative with reading stories to him in bed, watching age- appropriate movies and eating together (even if they were ‘picinics’ in bed). I had to fight to find the right doctor and find medications that reduced my symptoms. I take Adderall for the chronic fatigue now, and it helps a great deal.

My husband and I both wanted another child, and with remission came hope. We tried hard to conceive our second child and six months after my diagnosis, we became pregnant.

It is now 3+ years later, and I am fully recovered. Yes, I am on a collection of medications, but I am able to live a normal life and parent two wonderful kiddos.  I avoid inflammatory foods, try my best to stay healthy, and this seems to be enough to be able to continue to work, parent and be a spouse.

This disease gives you a choice – to curl up and become a shell of whole you previously were or adapt and become even more mentally strong than you were before.  Now may not be the time to have this conversation, but now is the time for him to make a decision – is he going to fight to live life? Is he willing to let his dreams die?

It may be hard for him to believe now, but he will learn how to live with this disease. However, the quality of that life is up to him. Hugs to both of you. You will make it through this. ❤️

annakarenina66 −  this is so tough. are you in support groups? I think firstly you need to outsource some of his care. he has to agree to this or you will break. caring is hard. is he getting help? as recovery is possible with ME. full recovery isn’t likely but there is a chance of partial recovery.

if you can get some days back then you’ll be able to start thinking more clearly. family or paid help – you need a day a week. to get out with friends or do a hobby. you’re not 30 yet and you’re going to be sinking into depression soon if you don’t take care of you.. that’s your first step.. then you can assess your options.

Could you have a child anyway together and cope with parenting and caring on top of everything? Maybe you could. Maybe he’d agree when he sees your pain. Maybe you couldn’t.

Could you be happy with alternatives. Short term fostering. Babysitting. Being involved auntie to siblings or friends kids. A kitten or dog. Imagine your future – 40 or 50 years hopefully. What is his prognosis? What is he offering you? Obviously it’s not equal when he’s disabled – but is he bringing love and comfort and joy and gratitude? If he is only you can reconcile if that’s enough. I think you need some time, done counselling, some space and some support.

TheThiefEmpress −  I’m firstly very sorry this happened to you both. And it *did* happen to *both* of you. I think you should find a good therapist, and talk this out with them. In my own experience, that yearning for a child does not go away until you hold them in your arms. It just gets worse. Like an untreated wound.

And people around you start having babies, and you just hide in the bathroom and scream-cry silently because you can’t hold someone that doesn’t *exist.* But I can tell you, you won’t be a monster if you find that you cannot choose your vow and your husband over yourself and a future child.. It isn’t a fair comparison.

You can still love him, and know that this is something that you cannot bear, every day, for the rest of your life, with a child sized hole in your heart. And there is *always* the possibility that it is all for nothing.

When you’re 45, he can get a horrible infection, and pass from it. But you’re in menopause, and can no longer have children. Now with no husband, *and* no children to show for it. How would that make you feel?

These are things you need to explore with a good licensed therapist. I hope you find one. You deserve happiness. No matter what that looks like for anyone else. You matter. 

z4nzibar −  No advice – but sending love. This sounds so complicated, stressful and painful. I hope you find the advice you are looking for.

davekayaus −  If you want children it won’t be with him. Honestly, this is a hard one, but you are being asked to sacrifice your own life and future to make someone else’s more comfortable. My advice is put yourself and what you want first, but I’m not going to pretend this is an easy decision.

Bunny_Beach −  Freeze your eggs now. If you can, a better option is to make embryos with his sperm and your eggs. Perhaps one day a cure might come for him and you could have children then?

Sally_Met_Harry −  Im sorry that is so hard. I have me/cfs etc from covid too and it is hell on earth. You are amazing for being such a thoughtful caregiver. All I can say is you are both still young and medicine is trying to move fast on a treatment. It is probably years off but please dont lose hope yet.

tittyswan −  I was diagnosed with ME/CFS a few years ago. It was moderate, not severe, but I’ve had significant improvements since then. I wouldn’t assume that the state he’s in now is how he’s going to be forever. Especially with long covid, people are seeing slow improvements over time, and there is research being done on this finally.

My advice would be to freeze your eggs for peace of mind (gives you options for the future,) then focus on treatments for your husband right now. Even without egg freezing you probably have around a decade in which you could conceive naturally. You have time.

It sounds like caregiving duties are falling solely on you right now, you need to spread those around. Does he have family or friends that can help? Can you afford to hire a support worker? If not, are there state services? Exploring these options will take some of the pressure off and allow you to have your own space and time to think.

But I will say (as someone with multiple incurable disabilities) that just because he has a disability, it doesn’t mean you have to push your needs to the side. Your needs matter just as much as his.

If you need to have children to be satisfied in life and he doesn’t want them, you might not be compatible as romantic partners anymore, but that doesn’t have to mean abandoning him completely. There is an option to remain close friends, retain some caregiving duties, but also pursue the things you need in life.

Gracieloves −  Therapy ASAP. Talk to a professional. Depending on what they say talk to your husband.  If he doesn’t have long, freezing your eggs might be worth it.
If not you, who? Would he have family that could step up? Unconventional living arrangements? Mother in law suite or duplex. Honest conversation with husband.

Maybe he would understand your going to be his caregiver but you’re open to dating finding someone. Obviously that guy would need to be okay with it but until you talk it out no way to know. 

Do you think the Redditor should try to find a way to reconcile her deep desire for children with the realities of her life, or is she right to focus on her commitment to her husband’s care? How would you handle the dilemma of wanting something deeply but knowing it may not be possible? Share your thoughts below!