My 29F boyfriend 29M is miserable

A 29-year-old woman has been in a relationship with her boyfriend, also 29, for over six years. Recently, she’s noticed a shift in his behavior; he’s become increasingly introverted, uninterested in socializing, and detached from their relationship. She’s left to plan everything and feels stressed by the imbalance. Her boyfriend doesn’t acknowledge the issue, and she wonders if it’s time to end things. Read the full story below.

‘ My 29F boyfriend 29M is miserable’

I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for 6+ years. Things haven’t been great recently. My boyfriend has become increasingly introverted over the last couple of years and does not like doing social things, he sees it as a chore. He acts like he’s in pain when I try and bring up future plans like nights and holidays.

This leaves me having to plan everything which causes me stress. I feel like it’s getting worse! He has no interest or excitement in life anymore and refuses to acknowledge it.

When he gets home from work he just wants to sit on his phone or PlayStation and acts like I’m being needy when I ask for time together. He says he needs his alone time. I just want to be in a happy relationship where we enjoy our free time together. What should I do? How can I end a long relationship like this? Should I end it?

TLDR: my boyfriend is miserable and never wants to do anything. Is it time to end it?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

BrokenPaw −  There are a couple of things at play here: First of all, a change like this can be an indication of a mental-health problem (I’m not a doc, and don’t take this as a medical opinion); a fundamental change in a person’s personality can happen because of some underlying issue that a mental healthcare professional can evaluate and potentially help with.. But, all of that said:

1. *If* this is a mental-health-related thing, you have no power to fix it; he would need professional help, and (what’s more) you have no power to make him *get* help if he doesn’t want to, and (what’s even *more*) even if he does seek out help, if he’s unwilling to follow the program, then there’s nothing you can do to make him do that, either.

2. If it’s *not* a mental-health thing, then you *still* don’t have the power to change any of it, because he is a 29-year-old adult, and if this is who he chooses to be, then this is who he is *going* to be; it’s not his responsibility to be who you think he should be, and so if he chooses not to be a person who gives you what you need, he’s free to do so.

3. Whether or *not* this is a mental-health issue, you are not responsible for staying with someone who cannot (or chooses not to) meet your needs as a partner. Staying with him *solely* because “but we’ve been together for six years” is Sunk Cost Fallacy; if he’s not capable of being the partner you need, then adding *another* six, or ten, or *fifty* years of him *continuing* not to be the partner you need will not make things better.. What should I do?

You should look at the person that he is *now*, not the person he *used to be*. You should look at the direction his life has been going, and assume that it’s going to continue along the same trajectory.

You should accept that this is who he chooses to be (either simply because it’s who he wants to be, or because he has not pursued or is not pursuing change by way of mental healthcare), and decide whether a person who is *exactly as he is*, is a person you can have a fulfilling life with. If he is, then all the best of luck to you.

If he is *not*, then you have to further accept that *you cannot change him*, so you have to choose the path that takes *your* life in the direction you want it to go, that helps create the future for you that *you want to live in*. If that path leads out the door, then that’s where it leads.

LithiumPopper −  If he’s not going to be proactive and getting help for his depression, you don’t need to sit around and wait for him. I think it might be time for an ultimatum. Either he sees a doctor and starts working on his mental health, or you’re leaving.

theworstsmellever −  He sounds a lot like how I was a few years back. I had to get real with myself because I started to see how my depressed and miserable nature, and never going out with my partner, was driving us apart. I had a long talk with my step mom one night about it after we had a huge fight over my BF being sick of me acting like that.

She pretty bluntly told me that no matter how much someone loves you, they will start to forget *why* they love you if you’re miserable 24:7 and just in general a drag to be around. It really woke me up.

I got help, medicated and in therapy, and I started actively taking care of myself and investing in myself. I’m not perfect and won’t ever be, but my perspective has changed and now when I really feel down and need support – my partner isn’t totally burnt out from dealing with it every day.

If you’re done, you’re done. But if you still love him, get real with him the way my step mom got real with me. Remind him that you fell in love with a different version of him and that it’s weighing you down, which you can’t deal with forever. No one should have to. If he’s not self aware enough to see that he’s hurting you and want to change that, it’s above you. It’s not your job to fix him.

BeneficialBrain1764 −  He may be depressed but it’s up to him to seek help for it. I had an ex who kept acting more distant and even told me he thought he may be depressed. A new girl came along and all of a sudden he wasn’t depressed anymore…. Turns out I think he just lost interest in me and our relationship. They’re still together several years later and married with kids.

still_on_a_whisper −  Could he be depressed? Is he willing to see a therapist? That might be a good first step.

sr2045 −  Your boyfriend is depressed. Advise him to speak to a doctor, therapy, medication if it’s advised.

Zefer93 −  Feels like lack of effort and getting sloppy which happens to the best of us. But being in that state for too long surely ain’t healthy. If you feel like he is not changing back to the person who seduced you it’s time to have a serious conversation with him.

TorontoRin −  try to talk about it. theres a reason why he is going introverted over the last 6 years. something changed or clicked in him to act such a way. but if he wont budge then you have to consider if it’s worth your time to put more effort like this forever or cut your losses

Not_Interested_inu −  Sounds like he is depressed and needs to talk to his Dr or a counselor. I know most men hate doing either of those, but he’ll see life in a whole different light (speaking from experience). If he is not willing to do either of those, then you should get used to this lifestyle or decide it’s not for you (also speaking from experience).

introspeckle −  He sounds depressed. Is he unhappy in his job? My gut feeling is he is indeed unhappy with his job and is feeling down and unfulfilled. Encourage him to make changes with his life. If you love him, I would try to offer any help you can. That is not to say you should avoid your own needs. He should still be active in your life and responsibilities. I know it’s hard. Stay positive and encouraging.

It’s heartbreaking when you feel like you’re drifting apart from someone you’ve been with for so long. Do you think it’s possible to reignite a relationship like this, or is it time to move on? Share your thoughts below!