My (28m) husband (31m) of 6 years takes ridiculous risks while doing his “extreme” sports. Now that we have kids (2f,1m) I want it to stop. How do I do this?

A woman is frustrated with her husband’s adventurous and risky behavior during a family ski vacation, particularly his decision to ski off the designated areas and hitchhike back to the resort. Despite being a loving father and supportive partner,

his penchant for extreme sports and pushing physical limits has led to recurring conflicts about safety and responsibility, especially now that they have young children. Read the full story below for more context and how these issues have impacted their relationship.

‘ My (28m) husband (31m) of 6 years takes ridiculous risks while doing his “extreme” sports. Now that we have kids (2f,1m) I want it to stop. How do I do this?’

My husband lives for this stuff but while we are being more social, he’s in the lift line at 9 and he comes off the mountain at 4:30 like clockwork. He doesn’t take hot chocolate breaks with us and he doesn’t eat lunch with us.

He will eat at the family dinner but instead of staying up telling stories and drinking wine, he goes to bead and listens to music until he falls asleep. So strike one, I’m annoyed with him being so anti social.

But the annoyance is compounded by the fact that he is doing behaviors that we have fought over many times…him not realizing he’s not 19 anymore and now has kids and responsibilities.

I found out last night that he made friends with a group of local kids who have been showing him the “back hills” where there are rocks and cliffs to jump off of, but this is off ski area so he has to ski down to the road and actually hitch hike back to the ski resort.

I’m livid, literally seeing red, wanting to do terrible things to Him angry. This is bad enough but we have this same fight every time we go anywhere, whether it’s surfing, mountain biking, rock climbing you name it…he’s always pushing it.

We have this same fight almost every week night because he goes to Brazilian jiu-jitsu and comes back with his knees tweaked or face all scratched up. I’m sick of this. In fairness to my husband he’s a great dad and we had two kid much closer in age than we’d planned and he’s very supportive and good at giving me breaks,

but that makes his irresponsible behavior even more stark because I can’t raise two small kids on my own if he kills himself flying down and mountain with no ski patrol (or surfing waves too big, etc…).

And to add insult to injury, he says he can’t wait to take our kids along on all his adventures as soon as they are old enough. Like I said, I can’t raise two small kids by myself. How do I get him to stop the nonsense and take his responsibilities seriously?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

throwawayno123456789 −  A compromise mught be that he has to carry enough life insurance that you would be comfortable and have enough for a full time nanny until the kids are 18 if he is going to do this stuff. He can take the extra money out of his fun money. Edit add: he needs disability and long term care insurance almost more than life insurance.

digitalgoddess99 −  While we were married I made my ex-husband take out life insurance when he insisted on riding a motorcycle to work every day. With three small children and me as a stay at home mom I thought it was reasonable. He gets to ride and I can put down some worry. He eventually crashed and quit riding.

bitterberries −  Get good insurance on him, not just life insurance, but disability insurance as well. Make it a non-negotiable. Second, you married him and this was a something you knew he did. You, nor anyone else, are never going to change him.

If you try to force him or guilt him into doing things differently, you will only breed resentment in your marriage. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. Think about your reasons for wanting him to stop doing these risky behaviours.

Write them down and then when you are not angry or in the moment, bring out the list and have a conversation about it with him. The minute you start raising your voice, stop.

You need to communicate the emotions without demonstrating the emotions, or all he will hear is fear and anger from you and he won’t hear your actual reasoning.. Edit :typo

sowellfan −  So, do you have experience in these various things, such that you (or perhaps someone else who does have experience) can say that he’s really doing very risky stuff? Or is it more a matter of him doing things that *seem* risky to you?

Like, jiu-jitsu – from what I can tell, there’s no significant risk of d**th or serious injury there – though he could potentially get a joint goofed up. Same sort of thing with surfing and mountain biking – is he really doing terribly dangerous stuff, or is would *any* surfing or mountain biking (or off-trail skiing) be out-of-bounds for you?

Has he hurt himself significantly enough doing any of these things that he had to be admitted to the hospital? Seems like repeated hospital stays would be the first sign that someone is going a little too extreme.

[Reddit User] −  This is who you married. You ASSUMED he’s automatically switch into ‘responsable dad’ mode at the birth of Kid 1, and he didn’t. Yet you had Kid 2. Again, what did you expect? But do get some really good insurance on him.

Workdawg −  Why did you marry and have kids with this guy if you don’t like his lifestyle?

relmamanick −  You’ve got to approach this not as “How can I get him to stop?” but “How can the two of us compromise on this?” Things like a good life insurance policy. One day or afternoon to himself on a ski trip, other days with the family (and maybe oneday to yourself, too).

Eliminating the most dangerous activities, but still having plenty of adrenaline rush inducing sports. Also, if you’re prone to anxiety you may have to learn to handle that for when he does things you’re uncomfortable with but which aren’t actually extremely dangerous.

masterm −  This was probably a conversation to have before having kids. Now that time has long passed, you need to have a conversation about life insurance. Make sure you don’t lie on your application because that can f**k you.

If this what he does and is passionate about, severely limiting/stopping these things is going to cause a ton of resentment. Hes got maybe a decade left before his body will stop him anyways, it’s not like he can put this off.

olive32022 −  My brother lives to snowboard and mountain climb. If anyone told him he could no longer do this (and he stopped to save the relationship), some of the fire inside of him would die out – and that would be devastating, as he is an ICU/ER nurse who gives everything to his job and his patients.

Snowboarding (and Mountain Climbing) are his outlets for dealing with the stresses of the job. It’s how he recharges his battery. I told my brother that in lieu of me becoming a terrible nag (and in return for keeping our parents off his back), I had 2 conditions:

1. Life insurance – in an amount that would allow us to bring him home from overseas, as he travels the world (mostly for snowboarding).
2. A reliable tracking device – to be turned on and worn, not just sitting in a drawer at his house.

My brother is in his 40’s, divorced, and has not remarried. Every woman he has dated who has tried to curb his snowboarding/mountain climbing is now an ex. It’s who he is. It’s what he loves. I would also argue that it contributes to the amazingly compassionate nurse he is – who will fight to the ends of the earth to advocate the best outcomes for his patients.

While I worry about him, realistically, it’s more dangerous to operate a vehicle, and d**th is statistically more likely that way. (I also concede that this is my *brother*, not my husband/father of my children. Just trying to give you a different perspective.)