My [28M] brother [25M] used my bank account in his fraud operations. Got busted and took my freedom away in my country. How to convince parents that I’m not going to forgive him?

A Reddit user (28M) shares their distressing experience of being wrongfully implicated in their brother’s fraud operations. The user, who has been studying abroad in Europe, unknowingly allowed their brother to use their bank account for illicit activities. As a result, the user faced legal charges and lost significant parts of their life, including their fiancé and the chance to attend their grandfather’s funeral.

Despite the brother offering to split the stolen money and the family’s persistent pressure to forgive him, the user is firm in not wanting to reconcile. They seek advice on how to communicate this to their parents and establish boundaries.

‘ My [28M] brother [25M] used my bank account in his fraud operations. Got busted and took my freedom away in my country. How to convince parents that I’m not going to forgive him?’

I’m from somewhere in Asia. Very traditional close families, everything is everyone’s business, all of that. About 5 years ago I came to somewhere in Europe to study. The plan was to study for 3 years and come back. During this time, I had a bank account in my home country which I wasn’t using.

It didn’t have much money in it (like equal to $30) so I had totally forgotten about it. My brother however decided to use this bank account as the base of operation for a fraud business. He was scamming people, getting money into this account, buying bitcoins with the money, etc…Like most people who do these things, he was caught.

Except that the bank account was in my name. He had covered himself well so everything was blamed on me. I ended up needing to hire a lawyer and in the end I was charged with c**ruption and fraud. Obviously I have not come back to face the charges and I probably can’t come back to my country for a very long time, if ever.

This changed everything about my life. All my plans ruined, all my life changed, I even lost my fiancé because her family would no longer allow her to marry me after this. My grandfather died and I couldn’t see him one last time or go to his funeral. Many other things… Now about 3 years have passed and I’m still not talking to my brother.

I have no plans to ever talk to him. My parents keep pressuring me to forgive him and accept money from him so that we can be a family again. My brother has offered to split the money he stole with me which I do not want.

This pressure is constant and ever increasing with time, as if it’s now my responsibility to forgive him just because time has passed. How do I convince my parents to leave me alone, and get them to understand that forgiveness isn’t forthcoming for a very long time, maybe ever?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

theoriginalcimerian −  Tell your family that as soon as your brother confesses his crimes and restores your honor you will forgive him.

OtherKindofMermaid −  My brother has offered to split the money he stole with me. Wow, what a prince. This isn’t about money, so even if he paid back every cent, that’s not enough. He violated your trust, ruined your good name, risked your freedom, made you completely change your life plans, and you lost your fiance, as well.

Did he consider ANY of that when he did what he did? If he did, he didn’t care enough for that to stop him. Can he undo ANY of that? No, he can’t. Did he own up to what he did and tell the authorities it was actually him? Doesn’t sound like it. You have every right to cut this person out of your life forever for what he did.

Heck, most people would for less. And he’s done nothing substantial to make any of it up to you. Just because you are related doesn’t mean that you have to have a relationship. Your parents want everyone to be a family again, but that’s just not realistic.

Be firm with them that you will not discuss your brother further. If they bring him up, either ignore it or hang up the phone. Be consistent. Stop justifying yourself to them or anyone else. I’m really sorry all this happened to you. None of it was fair. I hope you get your life back on track soon. Good luck, OP.

changerofbits −  My parents keep pressuring me to forgive him and accept money from him so that we can be a family again. My brother has offered to split the money he stole with me which I do not want. What? Your parents want you to incriminate yourself by knowingly taking the stolen money that was the basis of your c**ruption and fraud charge?

Not only is that a ridiculous thing to do legally, but it’s not going to fix your relationship with your brother. How about your brother turn himself into the police and fully admit to everything he’s done and give the money back to the people he stole from, and clears your name from any and all wrongdoing? If he did that, then you could start the process of forgiving him.

Ashley_DL87 −  Why do you respect people who knowingly allow a criminal to to walk freely amongst them? Don’t think of them as your parents, think of them as his partners in crime. Because at this point that is what they really are if they are benefiting from his stolen money and willing to lay blame on an innocent person. Next time you speak with them just hang up after telling them “Sorry I don’t associate with criminals.”. Edit: formatting

sanguinare12 −  What happened because of your brother? You face criminal proceedings if you ever set foot on home soil. You effectively live in exile. You lost a promising relationship and the person you were going to marry. You lost connections with other family. Friends. The list goes on! He has taken nearly everything from you. How can he make restitution for that?

More, take any money from his illegal ventures and you could make yourself an accessory. Isn’t what he’s done to you bad enough already? There’s no sense in this. The only way I can see you forgiving him is if he confesses and absolves you of all his misdeeds. But that only clears the legal slate. It does not undo all the harm he did you.

When he faces the consequences of his actions, then and only then can you even *begin* to consider forgiveness. You have every right not to. But when he won’t even take that most basic step to undo what he did to you, there’s no going forward.

WinstonDresden −  Tell your parents that when your brother goes to the police, confesses to his crimes and clears you of any complicity, then you might, just might consider visiting them in your country.

How on earth can your parents think that if you accept stolen money, then you and he and them can be a family again. tbh, OP, I have to wonder how much your parents knew and accepted your brother’s criminal activities. If they keep badgering you, please consider blocking them.

Spectrum2081 −  When he can exonerate my name, allow me to see grandfather before he died, and bring me back my fiancee, then I will forgive him. He bargained with my life, mom. He ruined it, just like he ruined the lives of those he scammed in my name. He deserves to be the one in exile, not forgiveness.

LilaLaLina −  All I can say is that your brother breaks the “s**tty sibling scale” and I don’t really think we’ve ever had anyone on this sub with a worse non-violent (if so) sibling. Tell your parents that your relationship with your brother is not up for discussion. That you will start discussing him once he turns himself in and clears your name.

artfulwench −  So your parents do realize that if you go back to play into their “happy family” fantasy that you will likely to prison, yes? Your brother AND your parents are reprehensible for allowing all this to happen to you. You owe them NOTHING. I would go no-contact with the lot of them unless your brother does the right thing by turning himself in and clearing your name. (Which doesn’t sound like it will ever happen.)