My (28F) partner (33M) doesn’t want to commit to showing up when he says he will.

A Reddit user (28F) shares frustration with her partner (33M), who frequently fails to show up on time or communicate delays, often due to falling asleep after getting high. Despite their otherwise solid relationship, his unreliability causes her anxiety and feels disrespectful to her time.

After addressing this issue multiple times, his response was to stop committing to specific times entirely, further straining their relationship. She wonders if this behavior reflects deeper issues or if it’s simply a difference in expectations.

‘ My (28F) partner (33M) doesn’t want to commit to showing up when he says he will.’

We’ve been dating for about six months at this point, and our relationship has been solid for the most part. We’ve talked about moving in together, meeting each other’s family, etc. and he’s been excited about it. I know he’s serious about this relationship; I don’t doubt his commitment in any other way. The man washes my dishes, cooks for me when I’m sick, expresses his love in many ways.

He deals with spells of intense depression (will ghost and be unable to do anything all day), and I deal with intense anxiety (panic attacks, adrenaline rush, etc.) which puts a huge strain on our relationship. He drinks a fair amount, more than I like, but he keeps himself under control for the most part. He also smokes weed everyday in varying amounts.

I’m really sensitive to substances, so I don’t drink or smoke except with him on occasion. When he’s good, he’s a great communicator. Texts back, makes plans, asks me how I’m doing. But one major sticking point that’s come up again and again is his inability to be vaguely on time when he says he’s going to show up. By nature, he doesn’t text often, so I don’t need much other than a “yes we’ll meet at \_\_\_ time”.

We live about an hour away from each other by public transportation. More often than not, he’s around an hour late to two hours late, with no update about why or when. Once when I was supposed to meet him at his place, he was asleep from getting too high, and I had to wait half an hour in his shady neighborhood before someone let me in the building.

Recently, he’s been late because he’s fallen asleep from getting high, which also means that he doesn’t respond to my texts or calls, leaving me to my own anxiety spiral. I’ve confronted him about this several times, saying how it feels disrespectful to my time,

how I worry about him and can’t tell if he’s in a depression spiral or what when he doesn’t respond to my texts or calls around the time we’re supposed to see each other. I’ve pointed out how it feels like a lack of commitment, and how it’s really hurtful to never know if he’s going to late, if he’s even going to show up, or if I need to go over and check that he’s doing okay.

He says it’s not a big deal, and that I’m overreacting. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t handle my anxiety well in these situations. I get loud and yell, but I settle down and apologize afterwards. But I don’t think I am wrong to ask for someone to just…show up when they say they will and communicate that they will be late. In response, he said from now on he’ll just say maybe to everything and won’t give a time.

This feels s**tty to me. It’s also baffling. When I’ve talked to him about concerns on a similar level, he’s been responsive and worked out solutions with me. This is really hard for me to overlook as a sign of something more serious.

It feels like he’s asking for a free pass to just bail on me when he feels like it, and I feel like we’ve exhausted this conversation. Is this just a difference in communication expectations? Or some other indication of lack of reliability?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

CertainRepair8 −  I was supposed to meet him at his place, he was asleep from getting too high. Recently, he’s been late because he’s fallen asleep from getting high
He also smokes weed everyday in varying amounts. Just so you know. Your partner doesn’t have an issue with showing up on time. Your partner has a substance abuse issue.

DiTrastevere −  If you really want to stay with this guy, then you’re going to have to change the way you react to his substance-induced flakiness. Stop expecting him to follow through. You come over to his place and he’s asleep? Leave. You make plans and he’s late and hasn’t contacted you? Go alone.

Or just don’t go at all and do your own thing. Act as if he’s not coming and not going to let you know or apologize. Basically, live like a single person. Downgrade this relationship and treat him like a casual h**kup. Because that’s basically all he is.

AMerrickanGirl −  He drinks a fair amount, more than I like, but he keeps himself under control for the most part. He’s on good behavior for the honeymoon period. He won’t be keeping it under control once he gets more comfortable in the relationship and is confident that you’ll continue to ignore red flags and accept his bad behavior.

Another red flag: he is seriously undependable and when confronted about his rude and flaky behavior, throws it back in your face with a tactic straight out of the Toxic Relationships Playbook: “You’re overreacting!” Now his s**tty behavior isn’t the problem, your [perfectly reasonable reaction to being stood up or inconvenienced] is now the problem!

That is the reddest or red flags and it’s one indicator that he’s a lousy communicator and will be difficult to discuss any issues with, because everything is gonna be your fault. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

baffled_soap −  So in order to see one another, one of you spends an hour on public transportation. Am I getting that right? These would be my new rules: 1. If I’m coming to you, I will text you to check in when I’m on my way to the bus stop (or whatever form of transport).

If you don’t respond, then I am not getting on the bus or am getting off a few stops from my house. It is not acceptable to fall asleep & leave me locked outside of your apartment building.

2. If you’re coming to me, you will text me when you get on the bus. If I haven’t heard from you by the time you’re supposed to arrive, then I will move on to other plans. It is not acceptable to leave me hanging for hours without telling me that you’re running late.

Those may sound harsh. But if he’s telling you that “it’s no big deal” that he is hours late to spend time with you, then it should also be “no big deal” for you to cancel a visit last minute if he doesn’t seem to be around. (Spoiler alert: it’ll be a big deal when you don’t show up, but it’ll continue to not be a big deal if he gets so high he sleeps through spending time with you.

Because as others have said, he has a substance abuse problem.) You may not be able to get him to respect your time by himself / because it’s the right thing to do – but you absolutely can add in some ways to protect yourself from having your own time wasted.

ottoneurseolo −  Your boyfriend is addicted to weed. That is why he is constantly late. Are you getting treatment for your anxiety and is he getting treatment for his depression?

Ladyughsalot1 −  Chronically late people are 1 thing: Arrogant. Being 1-2 hours late all the time isn’t acceptable. It’s rude. It’s inconsiderate. And he willfully gets too high, falls asleep and won’t wake up on time. The choice he makes in that moment is simple; you can wait.

He gets what he wants when he feels like it. 6 months. Honestly I would bail. Not only is he arrogant about the time thing he actually feels entitled to minimize your feelings when you’re stood up for 2 hours? Gross.

gingerlorax −  What are you both doing to manage your anxiety and depression? You both need to be doing something- therapy, CBD, medicine. It seems like the main issue is that your bf uses weed to self medicate and then gets too high and falls asleep. So when he knows he’s going to meet you, he should smoke less or set some alarms for himself.

It’s absolutely unacceptable to tell someone you’ll meet them at a certain time, just ‘forget’ to show up and then not apologize or think it’s a big deal. I would not put up with someone being that disrespectful towards me and neither should you.

Bruja27 −  I once knew a dude who had these One-Day-Depression spells. Well, it turned out he didn’t have a depression. He was sometimes too high to roll his ass out of bed.

hilfnafl −  you boyfriend is depressed, drinking and drugging. the combination of a mood disorder with a substance abuse disorder is called a dual diagnosis. in general terms, it’s much harder to treat someone with a dual diagnosis than it is to treat someone with a mood disorder. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t handle my anxiety well in these situations. I get loud and yell, but I settle down and apologize afterwards.

why do you want to be with someone who makes you so anxious that you get load and yell? please print out a copy of this post, along with all the comments, and bring it to your next therapy session. in the meantime, ask your boyfriend to go to DBSA meetings and SMART Recovery meetings.

Katie-MacDonut −  Okay, so you can’t trust your bf, and he won’t communicate with you. I’m really curious, what’s left? S**? Friendship? Then he’s (at best) your FWB. Sorry to be harsh, but dude…. This ISN’T a mental health issue. His mental health is the s**pegoat.

The real issue here is that you’re trying to have a relationship with someone who isn’t ready to be in a relationship. Because relationships are founded on exactly what is missing here: trust and good communication.

Reliability and communication are cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Is it possible for this couple to find common ground, or does this reflect incompatible priorities? How would you approach this situation? Share your thoughts below.

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/UWyFM