My (27M) grandmother (84F) shared something painful about our family history with me. Should I ignore it or try to discuss it further with her?

A Reddit user shares a deeply emotional revelation his grandmother (84F) recently shared about the traumatic history of their family during Chile’s military dictatorship. As he processes her story of resilience and unimaginable pain, he wonders how best to approach this sensitive topic moving forward. Read his story below.

‘ My (27M) grandmother (84F) shared something painful about our family history with me. Should I ignore it or try to discuss it further with her?’

I must start with some backstory. My (27M) grandmother (84F) is originally from Chile. My grandfather, who I never met, worked as a lawyer and represented a left-wing party when the military dictatorship was established in 1973; shortly after that he was taken in for questioning and never seen again.

It was determined only decades later that he died under torture at the hands of military agents, though his remains were never located. My father was barely 2, my aunt was like 3 or 4, so they barely remember their own father, and I didn’t hear much about him growing up.

It was like my grandma chose to close that chapter of her life. She found a new partner and left Chile with both her kids two years later – this partner, who’s now deceased, is the man I grew up calling grandpa

(side note: he and my grandma were never legally married, because my bio grandfather’s d**th certificate hadn’t been expedited, so she was still technically married in Chile, her husband was considered “missing”).

Well, yesterday I stopped by my grandmother’s house to see how she was doing (she’s independent and still lives by herself), and as we’re talking about some random stuff I showed her a recipe of a Chilean dish that I was thinking about cooking. And then she said something that caught me off guard.

She said: “that’s what I served to the men who killed your grandfather”. And I didn’t know how to respond… She had never mentioned this to me before. She then proceeded to tell me that, when the officers came in to take my grandfather for questioning (with the excuse he’d be back by the end of the day),

part of the group stayed behind with her and the kids. I’m assuming it was to conduct searches if his interrogation led to something, or to prevent her from getting rid of incriminating stuff, because they didn’t know if she was an “accomplice”.

She said she was cooking lunch when officers arrived. Then, in minutes, he was taken, and some of these strange men stayed with her. And she, trying to act polite and to disguise her desperation, asked them if they would stay for lunch. And they said yes, and ended up eating her food, like they were guests.

The food she was preparing for her husband. That killed me! I never knew that. I mentioned that my dad never told me about this. She said my dad doesn’t know – he was there at the house, but was too young to remember. She also said the officers stayed put for four days, sleeping on the couch,

always denying to tell her when my grandfather would be back (it was supposed to be an interview over a couple of hours). She spent all this time cooking for them, practically held prisoner in her own home with two small children.

And when they finally left, she knew immediately that my grandfather had been killed, as in: the officers were dismissed because the superiors told them my grandfather couldn’t give them anything of value. I’m very touched by all of this.

I never really thought about what she went through. My first reaction was shock, and I didn’t quite know how to respond, but she changed the subject shortly after and I didn’t know how to approach it again.

I wonder why she chose to say something to me now, after all this time – and something that even my father doesn’t know, and I don’t know if I should tell him or not (she didn’t ask me to keep secret, I just feel it would be some sort of betrayal of her trust to tell him).

Most of all, I don’t know how to react when I visit her next – should I approach the subject again, or pretend she never told me anything unless she brings it up again. I appreciate any advice.

TL;DR: My grandmother opened up to me about the day my grandfather was taken by dictatorship agents never to return, and I don’t know how to react to this revelation.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

questdragon47 −  When my grandmother started telling me things she didn’t tell anyone else, I took it as a badge of honor. We had built a deep enough connection that she trusted me with this information and felt comfortable enough to tell me – which she hadn’t had in the previous 70 decades of her life.

They’re also at the age where they might be telling you because they don’t want to take that information to the grave or because enough time has passed that the shame and trauma has worn off enough.

Either way, she’s ready to talk. Personally I’d proceed as usual and if the time is right, tell her you appreciate you sharing that with you (if you do appreciate it) and maybe ask why she shared that with you. 

ErnestBatchelder −  Next time you go ask her for some of her favorite memories about your paternal grandfather. It’s okay if she wants to bring up the traumatic events, and it’s very telling of how much she trusts you that she shared this.

But if you start asking about the positive stories or hearing more about your paternal grandfather and their life before Pinochet, those memories may help her alleviate some of the memories of the darkness. By 80s a lot of people start to recall their childhoods more vividly. It’s a chance to know her more and to help.

ShelfLifeInc −  My grandmother is a little older than yours (born in Poland in 1935), and she’s started coming out with stories she’s never mentioned before. Sometimes it’s the most unusual things that bring them up in conversation

(ie, seeing my husband’s mountain bike suddenly reminded her of how valuable bikes were in her village during WW2, and how the Germans took them all). She told me a story about how one day, it was winter and she and her younger brother were huddled in bed.

They would have only been about five and three, and they were very cold under their one blanket. Unexpectedly, German soldiers arrived the house. They were sweeping through the village to take blankets for their own troops. One solder came into the room and approached the bed.

He looked at the two shivering children, pulled the blanket back, made a show as though to look underneath it, flipped it back, then looked under the bed. Then he turned to his companion and said, “Let’s go, there are no blankets here.”

My grandmother said, “As he left, I thought to myself, *he must have children of his own.* He knew we wouldn’t have survived the winter if he hadn’t left the blanket behind.”  It might be that as our grandparents are reaching their twilight years, their memories are working differently as repressed memories come to the surface.

Maybe now that enough distance has passed, they feel more comfortable facing their pasts. Or maybe now that their grandchildren are adults themselves, they feel comfortable sharing darker parts of their past. Write the story down as she told it/as you remembered it and put it somewhere safe.

You don’t have to share it with your father (or other family members) in the forseeable future, but one day you might want to. Treat your grandma as you always have: let her guide the conversation. If you have more questions, ask her if she minds revisiting the topic. Otherwise, let her tell the stories as she wants to.

appendixgallop −  So many families went through this horror. I met a Chilean lady in Texas many decades ago, with a similar tragic past.

PixiesFairiesSprites −  Go to your grandma’s house when you know she’ll be alone and follow her lead. At the end of your visit give her an extra loving hug filled with everything you’ve got.

The recipe you showed her caught her at a vulnerable moment. As for the rest of the family, keep it to yourself. Some memories are best left buried. If grandma wanted the rest to know she’ll share.

spidaminida −  It must be such a weight off her shoulders to be able to talk about this with you. Thank you for being such a good Grandchild that she would feel so safe.

These stories are so important, you know what they say about when we forget our past we are doomed to repeat it. We must always remember each other’s humanity.

snorkels00 −  It’s like WW2 survivors the memories are there it’s hard to forget because the trauma is so deep. They work hard on moving on. Her sharing with you means she k it’s you can handle the family history.

She see open to probably answering questions about that time or moving on. It’s good she shares. Write it down as you get older you’ll forget. Better even record her telling the story.

ksarahsarah27 −  I think the recipe just triggered a memory. It wasn’t that it was a secret per se but a detail about the situation that came to the surface when you presented the recipe. My boss, who’s like a second mother to me, has some great stories of her life. Every once in a while she will tell

One and it’s usually because the memory gets triggered from something in the present. It’s not that she’s hiding these things but the memories have been dormant for so long that she just doesn’t think to mention them. I often think that if I knew the right questions to ask, I’d get some amazing memories out of her.

Ask her again when you’re alone about your grandfather. Perhaps make that dish and bring some over to her house. Ask her how she thinks you did and maybe she’ll share some cooking tips with you. While you’re there say something like “I thought a lot about the story you shared about when grandpa was taken away.

I’d like to hear more about him. Do you have any other stories?” I’d definitely do this now because as a person whose parents are now both gone- I can’t ask them things now that I wish I could. Recently someone asked me about some childhood history about my dad. (He wants to write an article about him, he’s was fairly well known in his field).

Reading those questions I realized I can’t answer hardly any of them. And it made me sad that I felt I knew so little about my dad’s childhood. I mean I do remember some things he told me but very few applied to these questions. My point- ask these questions now while you can.

Maybe give grandma one of those interview books where grandma can answer questions and it’s like a memory keepsake. You see them advertised on tv every so often. I wish I had done that with my parents.

Prestigious-Bar5385 −  That is so interesting and horrible. If you do want to know just ask your grandma and tell her you would like to know more of her history. She might be willing to tell you

unsafeideas −  Ask more, gently and if she does not want to then back off a bit.When my grandparents started these, they were testing waters. They wanted to talk and were ready to talk and were checking reactions.

Those who asked more build special relationships with them and learned a lot. Peoppe do not really know their own parents and relatives, she is ready to show you more of who she really was and what her history was.

And it was very interesting, because real life does not work like we are conditioned to think from movies. And because you realize how sinplified/sanitiez version of history we are normally learning.

Should he revisit this conversation with his grandmother to better understand her story, or respect the moment as a one-time opening of her heart? How would you handle such a delicate family revelation, and is it worth sharing with other relatives? Let us know your thoughts!