My [27F] mother [56F] wants me to take care of my grandma, who just had surgery. I’m recovering from my own surgery. We got into an argument and she sent an extremely hurtful text.

A Redditor shared a heartfelt story about recovering from surgery when her mother unexpectedly pressured her to care for her grandma, who had just had a minor operation. The situation escalated with a passive-aggressive text from her mom, leaving the user feeling hurt and conflicted. Fortunately, after speaking directly with her grandma, things took a surprising turn. Read the full story below to see how everything unfolded.

‘ My [27F] mother [56F] wants me to take care of my grandma, who just had surgery. I’m recovering from my own surgery. We got into an argument and she sent an extremely hurtful text.’

**NOTE: My mother and I usually get along well. However, she is probably the most passive-aggression person I’ve ever known and has a history of throwing me under the bus if it means helping someone else. She isn’t a bad person, she’s just not considerate of me sometimes.

For example, my laptop which I use for work (graphic design) broke and I couldn’t afford another one, and she knew that, and she knew I was struggling to save up for another; my uncle died and she took his new $1800 Macbook and gave it away to someone who just needed something basic for Facebook and job applications.

Mom knows about laptops so it wasn’t like she thought it was cheap.** I had a mastectomy about two weeks ago (didn’t actually have cancer, so chemo etc. isn’t a factor in this). I’m still recovering and need to be taking it easy.

Right now I’m trying to keep swelling at bay as I don’t want yet another surgery and potential disfigurement, so I need to stay sedentary. I do go out for a couple of hours here and there, but I’m careful.

My grandma (66), who is my dad’s mom and lives an hour away, had hand surgery today (repairing a trigger finger). My mother called me after and told me that my grandma needs help and needs someone to take care of her and basically do everything for her.

My grandma is very independent, no signs of dementia or anything, and is an active person, so this was surprising to me and kind of came out of the blue. If I’d known recovery would be a big deal, I would’ve put surgery off until after she had recovered, but she decided to have it with almost no advance warning, and when I researched it to see if I did need to reschedule my surgery, it seemed like hers was pretty minor.

The problem is, Mom told me that she told my grandma I could take care of her (Mom and Dad work full-time, and I’m not working right now so I guess that was her logic, but I’m not working BECAUSE I JUST HAD SURGERY). I asked her why she would put me in that position and she said she had no idea what I was talking about.

I said she knows I’m recovering from my own surgery and she said I “seemed fine”… I said I was, as long as I stayed home and kept ice on my chest and took it easy, and that she should’ve checked with me first. I pulled a childish move when she started berating me and hung up on her.

She texted me almost immediately and said, word for word: “I guess Gram knows you better than I do! Maybe she thought you would “feel pressured” so didn’t include you [in the group text] when asking for help. I didn’t expect that at all!”

Needless to say I’m crushed. I would LOVE to take care of her, but I can’t. Now I feel like everyone thinks I’m a selfish monster and am depressed to the point of feeling sick. I wrote back and told her not to talk to me right now, and I know she’s going to call me when she gets out of work but I don’t know what to say. :(. —

**tl;dr**: I had a mastectomy two weeks ago and my grandma had a trigger finger repaired today. Mom told Gram I would take care of her. But I can’t. I’m recovering from my own surgery. Mom sent a really mean text that crushed me and I don’t know how to handle this.. —. UPDATE!!!!! I just got off the phone with Gram!

She burst into laughter when I told her all the things Mom had said. Apparently Mom had been planning to “surprise” her with a $200 bidet because she was convinced Gram would have trouble cleaning herself. Gram said she found out about it accidentally and has been making fun of my mother since.

She said she doesn’t need anything outside of opening fresh water bottles (she refuses to drink anything but Poland Springs) and said her neighbor already pre loosened a bunch of them. Mom had talked to Gram’s doctor and went worst-case-scenario, basically. Which is… typical, so I don’t know why I didn’t see that coming.

Gram specifically said “YOU KNOW YOUR MOTHER. You know what she’s like. Don’t let her work you up. Jesus Christ, if I was going to have that much trouble I would’ve stayed in the g**damn hospital.”

She also said she didn’t include me in the group text because I’m not a worrier and wouldn’t be losing my s**t wondering if she made it through surgery. She said she just updated Mom and my aunt (her daughter) and said she was fine, and that Mom was the one that went off about how she needed help.

She also said “for crying out loud, you just had surgery, you need to take care of yourself” so she wasn’t expecting me to help at all. Gram said she’d love if we could talk more over the next few days since she’ll be a little bored and asked if we could play Scrabble Online. All’s good.

Now Gram and I have an inside joke about “surprise bidets” and I’m waiting for my mother to call in about an hour. I’ve gotten some awesome advice and really appreciate it; I have an idea of what to say now. (I don’t want to ignore the call as that’ll cause more problems. I KNOW she’s going to call me, it’s not a question lol)

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

NDaveT −  Needless to say I’m crushed. I would LOVE to take care of her, but I can’t. Now I feel like everyone thinks I’m a selfish monster and am depressed to the point of feeling sick. That’s what your mom wants you to feel.

It’s possible your gram didn’t include you in the text because she knew about your surgery and knew you would be in no condition to help her. It’s also possible – and I think more likely – that *there was no text from Gram*. Gram might not even need help at all.

somebodybettercomes −  She isn’t a bad person. has a history of throwing me under the bus. she’s just not considerate of me. She sure sounds like a bad person. You are recovering from surgery and she is treating you like this… and it’s apparently a pattern of behavior for her to be completely s**tty to you. No one deserves to be treated the way your mother is treating you.

[Reddit User] −  “I guess Gram knows you better than I do! Maybe she thought you would “feel pressured” so didn’t include you [in the group text] when asking for help. I didn’t expect that at all!”. “Yes, Gram recognizes the importance of my own recovery, so she asked people who were PHYSICALLY CAPABLE.”

Dolomite808 −  The only one being childish here is your mom. Try to forget what she said, as it is basically just her throwing a tantrum like a toddler. Don’t even dignify it with a response. Send well wishes to your Grandma directly, and try to keep in touch so that you know your mom isn’t whispering BS into her ear as well.

stuckhans −  You tell her to f**k off. You mom is waaay out of line here.

[Reddit User] −  I pulled a childish move when she started berating me and hung up on her. There’s nothing childish about refusing to let yourself be abused. This is absurd. Nobody who knows why you’re off work would blame you for being unable to take care of someone else who’s recovering from surgery. If she needs care so badly, your mother can take some time off to do it.

Tygria −  I am so sorry. I know she’s got you brainwashed into thinking she’s “not that bad” but your mom is really awful. I strongly recommend you hop over to /r/raisedbynarcissists and see if what you read there strikes a too-familiar chord.

To reiterate what others have said – it was not at all childish to hang up on your mother rather than continue to be abused by her. I’m proud of you for taking that step toward standing up for yourself. I know how tough it is. Now you just have to keep it up.

I don’t think you’re ready to hear this yet but in case I’m wrong – you may need to consider going low- or no-contact with your mother. She sounds toxic and abusive. I’ll bet you have way more stories than you shared here which would back that up.

[Reddit User] −  Sounds like your mum sees you as an extension of herself and wants to reap thanks and praise for herself by throwing you under the bus. That sucks, sorry. Try telling her that you’re really shocked she could be so inconsiderate and selfish but you’ll forgive her this time.

It probably won’t be terribly effective but it might be fun to steal her script. Do a broken record thing, whatever she says on this topic just turn it back to how she was awful and really hurt you but you’re willing to let it go.

And contact your gran and make sure she’s ok, if she’s a reasonable person you’ll probably feel better about things after hearing from her. You could send an apology to her that you can’t do it, and mention that you think your mom forgot about your mastectomy when she volunteered you!

If you want to detonate a passive aggressive nuclear weapon, send that same apology to all the people who were in the group text. Your mum goes from the woman who saved the day to the woman who forgot about her daughter’s major surgery. Might put her off playing these games with you in future.

keparcell −  You need to talk to your Grandma directly here. If I got a finger surgery, I wouldn’t expect someone who has a mastectomy to come a help me. You Grandma probably doesn’t expect you to help her (hence why you were excluded from the group text). Just call your Grandma and touch base so you know that you’re mom’s not spreading lies about you and then focous on recovery.

bahhamburger −  A trigger finger release isn’t really a big surgery. I mean the other 4 fingers are still functional….what kind of help does she need? A mastectomy on the other hand can be pretty painful.

ow would you handle family expectations while recovering from a major surgery? Do you think the mother was out of line, or was it just a misunderstanding? Share your thoughts and personal experiences in the comments below!