My (27F) friend (27F) of over 12 years wouldn’t accept finals as my reason to not attend her out of state Bachelorette party. I agreed to make it work, but now there’s absolutely no plan even though its in 4 days and I’m starting to feel bitter.

A Reddit user (27F) shares their frustration with a long-time friend (27F) who guilted them into attending her out-of-state bachelorette party, despite the user having finals and a busy schedule. Despite initially declining due to prior commitments, the user agreed to attend after the bride’s emotional email, but now, just four days before the event, there is still no concrete plan.

The lack of communication from the maid of honor and the added stress of adjusting the user’s schedule has left them feeling bitter and unsure if they should address the situation with their friend. Read the full story below.

‘ My (27F) friend (27F) of over 12 years wouldn’t accept finals as my reason to not attend her out of state Bachelorette party. I agreed to make it work, but now there’s absolutely no plan even though its in 4 days and I’m starting to feel bitter.’

\*\*EDIT: Wow, I had no idea that this would get as much traction as it has. I wish I could go and thank each of you for your thoughtful comments, but time isn’t really something I have a ton of right now 😉 And for those of you who said you relate, might I encourage reading “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend. Obviously this is still a huge struggle for me, but I’m thankful for the example others who have figured it out can set for us “people pleasers”.

One of my best friends of over 12 years is getting married in October and chose a college friend to be her maid of honor. There was just one weekend thrown out to have both a bridal shower and bachelorette party, in a city 600 miles away from me. Unfortunately, it is the weekend that my finals and group projects are due for graduate school and it’s the first week of school for me, as I work as a behavior therapist in a school.

Once I discovered this, I immediately drafted an email explaining the situation, including several other weekends that my husband and I could come up to celebrate, and apologizing profusely. I get an email back about how everyone’s “busy”, but she thought I would be the one to understand since I just got married (about a year ago) and how she went to all my festivities.

Against the wishes of my husband and therapist, who I’m working with to say no during this busy time in my life, I agreed to make it work, and have made arrangements to take finals early and have working with my group to try to finish our work before we leave.

The party is this coming up weekend, 4 days away. I have not been told a schedule, don’t know where we’re staying, how much anything will cost, etc. The MOH has been flaky with email, didn’t tell me which airport to fly into (since the initial thought was bridal shower in one city and bach party in another, but who knows what the plan is now) so now I’m driving 8 hours on Friday to get there.

Since the MOH hasn’t been answering me, I had to text the bride asking for a plan and she said she knows nothing either, but asked if I could potentially drive people back from Bach location to bridal shower location, which would add 2 hours to my already 8 hour drive. I have no idea when I’ll have wifi to look over my group project and already have to change my work schedule during the first week to accommodate this party, of which, there is literally no plan.

Originally, my plan was to just s**k it up and not add drama to the situation by chalking the rude email up to wedding stress and just not saying anything; however, now I’m at the point where I’m feeling such bitterness toward my friend and basically want her to know how much I’m sacrificing to be there for her and this terribly planned weekend. Do I talk to her about it? What do I even say?

TL;DR Friend guilted me into attending bridal shower/bach party in a city 600 miles away from me even though I told her I had finals and it was my first week of school, as I work in a school. The party is 4 days away and there is no plan and now I’m starting to feel bitter and don’t know whether to say anything or if I should, what to say.

See what others had to share with OP:

Fuyuki11 −  I wouldn’t go if I were you. Tell the bride that MOH didn’t organised enough in time nor given you enough information to allow you to find a workaround with your job, which is true right? And that *real* celebration is the wedding. If you are invited and attending, you can make sure you made a HUGE fuss of the bride on the day (if she even notices)

If she shows lack of understanding still then I’m afraid that shows the level of friendship you have with the bride. A true friend, close or not, would understand or at least tell you so and grin and bear it no matter how upset she may be.

Hitachi__magic_wand −  Is your career and school really not as important as this selfish flaky friend? She’s shown 0 regard for you and your situation. If it were reversed, you can be sure she’d not do a thing to make it to your party. Please reconsider and not go. Your classes and your work are more important in the long run than a very bad friend.

Embonious −  my god, what is WITH bachlor/ette parties?? I have several friends who’ve recently had miserable experiences at out of town parties- spending way too, much money, poor scheduling, etc who felt like they couldn’t say anything because that would trigger the wrath of the bridal couple/family.

I’d say cancel your attendance, and if you want to be very nice, you could offer going somewhere together to celebrate her marriage at a later date. You can also frame it as “I am so incredibly stressed and I don’t want to bring down your celebration by not being in the right mindset.. I’d rather plan a special evening/weekend for you when I can be fully present” or some other excuse to get off the hook.

DrDouchebaggins −  S**ew her. I’d tell her flat out “I was willing to work around my schedule to come see you, I put my possible career and future at risk for this, but I’ve been givin no information and I feel like you’re expecting me to drive 8 hours to see you without putting any effort in to communicate with me.” Tell her you just can’t go at this point, you obviously don’t want to either

Phobos75 −  “Due to the circumstances, I won’t be able to attend after all. Hope you have a great time this weekend and I’ll be in touch” Talk with your therapist about this so you can continue your work saying no.

skeletonclock −  Don’t go. There is no way this person will still be your friend in ten years, she gives zero fucks about you and couldn’t have been clearer about that.

Theystolemyname2 −  You already sacraficed enough. Tell her in no uncertain terms, that either you get a detailed plan (that won’t change anymore) by the end of today, maybe tomorrow, or you won’t go. You have no idea about the when, where and what – how do you plan to even attend in these circumstances?

Not to mention that the whole situation reeks of “cancelled or postponed last minute”. Your education is more important than some party that doesn’t seem to be happening anyway. As for picking up people, which would add extra 2 hours of drive – just no. Driving for 8 hours is insane already, and she is out of her mind if She thinks that this is acceptable.

Those people can use the bus or the train. Don’t let her guilttrip you into even more unreasonable favors. In any case, it is really weird that a friend of 12 years would act like that. Normally, if someone has exams, paper due or projects, it is more than enough reason to bow out of attending some party. She is incredibly selfish and doesn’t care about you one bit. I bet, she only attended your wedding because she wanted to party.

Potato4 −  Send them a bottle of room-service champagne at their hotel room and call it. Don’t go. Your school is more important.

kaneki1313 −  I’m sorry but finals are a lot more important than a bachelorette party. Any half decent person who considers themselves a friend would understand that

TylerGeeky −  This is an obvious lack of respect, and I’m betting that this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Her reaction should be disappointment, not guilting you into it. Life happens, and she isn’t the center of it. Cancel on the bachelorette party and focus on building your own life. If she has a problem with you working hard to make something of yourself, she’s toxic. P

It’s challenging to balance the needs of a close friend with your own responsibilities, especially when you feel overextended. Is it worth addressing these feelings with your friend, or would that create unnecessary drama? Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation, and how did you handle it? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below.