My (27F) boyfriend (28M) has been distant and dismissive, and I’m unsure if I’m asking for too much.
A woman grapples with feelings of neglect and emotional distance from her boyfriend of two years. With his dismissive behavior and cryptic messages adding to her confusion, she wonders if her needs are too demanding or if something deeper is wrong in their relationship. Read her story below.
‘ My (27F) boyfriend (28M) has been distant and dismissive, and I’m unsure if I’m asking for too much.’
My boyfriend (28M) and I (27F) have been together for almost two years. The past year has been difficult because of his chronic back pain, which he tried to soothe with alcohol in addition to painkillers. This led to blackouts and moments where he completely lost control.
While we’ve addressed the drinking, I’ve noticed that he’s been more cold and distant ever since.He’s told me in the past that I needed to be better at expressing my emotions, so I’ve started therapy to work on myself, especially on some childhood trauma related to alcohol.
Despite my efforts, he seems withdrawn and often only initiates physical affection when he wants s**. Otherwise, I’m the one asking for small gestures like a hug or kiss. Whenever I bring up that I’m feeling neglected or unsupported, he’s dismissive.
For example, earlier this week, he had a university exam in a town three hours away and stayed overnight. I texted him good luck, checked in and congratulated him after the exam. Later that day, I received some sad family news and reached out to him for support, but he didn’t respond to my messages or answer my call.
It wasn’t late, so I found it odd. Eventually, he messaged to say he’d been asleep, completely ignoring my texts about what had happened. I told him not to worry, but he became defensive, saying he hadn’t done anything wrong.
When I explained that I was looking for comfort and reassurance from him, he apologised and said he was “there for me.” However, two hours later, he sent me a cryptic message saying he’s sorry he’s “not good enough anymore” and that “this is just who he is now” I replied, saying I needed him to be there for me too,
as I also have bad days and asked if he was considering ending our relationship. He ignored this message until the next morning. I told him that ignoring me made me feel unheard and hurt and that if he needed time to think, he could’ve just told me.
His response was that he went to bed early, which didn’t add up because he never goes to bed before 11 pm. He then claimed he’s always the one blamed when someone else makes a mistake, completely sidestepping my feelings. I tried to explain my perspective calmly and moved on, wishing him a good day.
He replied with, “Don’t be like this, I don’t want to fight” which left me too drained to continue the conversation. Later, he messaged to say he likely wouldn’t make it home that evening due to traffic. The journey should’ve taken four hours with delays, but it’s been over eight hours since that message, and he’s still not back.
His ex used to live in the area where he was staying, which adds to my unease. Maybe I’m being too harsh, but I feel I deserve to have my needs met and to be heard. I don’t think I’m asking for too much, but I’m not sure anymore..
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
Evie_St_Clair − It seems to be your bf is the problem here and that he gaslights and manipulates you a lot while also not supporting you. You deserve better.
ProtozoaPatriot − The baseline is a man with alcohol and opiate addiction issues. I don’t see a mention of him getting substance abuse treatment, going to therapy, or seeing a pain specialist. There’s often an element of depression that accompanies a serious chronic pain condition. He’s probably giving you all that he’s able to.
You wonder if you’re asking for too much. What you need is what you need; whatever that is, it isn’t wrong. The question to figure out is if this particular man can meet those needs. If he can’t, he isn’t wrong; he’s just wrong for you.
You can encourage him to seek professional help. It’s his choice to go or not. He may never go. You’re not wrong, if you did consider leaving.
blackcatsneakattack − Yeah….. this relationship is not worth salvaging.
Relationships thrive on mutual understanding and support, especially during tough times. Is she asking for too much, or is her boyfriend failing to meet basic emotional needs? What would you suggest she do next? Share your advice in the comments below!