My [26m]’s girlfriend [24f] wants to break up because of my disability

A man with cerebral palsy seeks advice after his girlfriend, who has been a source of love and emotional support, expressed doubts about their future due to fears of him becoming a burden. Influenced by her mother’s concerns, she is contemplating ending their relationship. Desperate to prove his independence and build a sustainable future, he asks for resources and strategies to address these challenges. Read his heartfelt story below.

‘ My [26m]’s girlfriend [24f] wants to break up because of my disability’

Hi all, honestly I know how this is probably going to go but I wanted to make this post to get other people’s opinions and maybe get some help so I know what I can personally do better to avoid something similar in the future. Obligatory I’m on mobile so please be lenient.

I’ve got cerebral palsy that affects both my legs and one arm. That’s my official diagnosis but what you really see is I walk with a limp. I’m a software developer so job wise, I don’t have any issues. I knew when I was a kid that using my brain is the best way for me to survive on my own without relying on other people. I haven’t had the chance to get my driver’s license but according to therapists and doctors that shouldn’t be an issue. That’s the background about me.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. We met back in April 2020 of last year and we decided to get together in May 2020. I told her about my disability before then but she wanted to try and make it work. We video call on discord every day almost always when we’re awake and recently we’ve been going on dates. She’s more then happy to lend me an arm and she notices things about me that even I miss myself.

Outside of my family she’s the most loving and caring person I know and she’s my motivation to do better and improve myself. Honestly, I never thought I could find someone I trusted enough to share my more negative thoughts and problems. I always tried to seem happy so I don’t worry others. The emotional support she gives me is really irreplaceable.

The problem is is scared that, in the future she will have to take care of me or most of the work will fall onto her. To make matters worse her mom has been telling her for the past few weeks to break up with me because she can find better and she doesn’t want her to have the burden of caring for me. She’s also really afraid that I will get arthritis early due to my cerebral palsy and if that happens, a lot is going to be on her.

I’ve tried doing things like stretches and exercises to maintain and improve my muscle tone but she is still afraid I’ll get worse. Reddit, please help. I’m an introvert I don’t know a lot of people and honestly I don’t even know the options I’ve got to look at. I want to prove that I can be independent and that if things do go wrong, it won’t just be on her. I’m in Ontario Canada. Are there things I can look into and do to assist with my disability or things I can look into so if things do go wrong, I won’t be a burden on her?

Please Reddit, I’m at the end of my wits. I’ve never really hated my disability but I’ve always kept myself going by being tempering my expectations and thinking, “my disability is going to make it really hard to find someone” and she’s the first person to make me feel like “ya, it doesn’t matter”. I want to do anything to show her that I won’t hold her back in the future but I’m out of ideas. Is there anything I can do?

I don’t want to worry anyone I’m with with these issues but I’m at the end of my wits. Please Reddit, I need ideas. I don’t even know if my relationship is lost but I don’t want this to happen again and I want to know what I can do myself so I can reassure my partner so they know I won’t hold them back in the future.

Has anyone had similar experiences? Maybe there are resources that I can tap into? I don’t know if there are things I can look into to better plan my future so it’s not a concern for my partner. I really need help. The worst part is, I’ve always thought my disability doesn’t matter. But with all of this happening it’s really hard to convince myself otherwise. TL;DR I’ve got a permanent disability and I don’t know how to reassure my girlfriend that I can handle myself in the future.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

GoldendoodlesFTW −  Ok I can see I’m gonna be the outlier here but I’m not sure this is actually about your disability at all, at least at the core of it. I’m reading a lot of things that tell me you are overly dependent on her emotionally. Outside of my family she’s the most loving and caring person I know and she’s my motivation to do better and improve myself. Honestly, I never thought I could find someone I trusted enough to share my more negative thoughts and problems. I always tried to seem happy so I don’t worry others. The emotional support she gives me is really irreplaceable.

This can be great but if she’s the only person you are sharing your negativity with it can also be a lot, and just because she’s a caring person doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect her. You have said stuff like you don’t have your license (why not? Who drove you places before?

Does she drive you now?) And that she’s the reason you smile (being responsible for someone else’s happiness is a huge burden). I suspect that she’s already feeling some caregiver fatigue from the emotional stuff and having her mom whisper in her ear that you may someday need physical help as well is just a bridge too far for her. Hypothetically getting arthritis early because you have mild cerebral palsy which manifests as a limp just doesn’t sound like a serious deal breaker to me if someone is really into you.

I would say that in addition to being proactive about your condition, you need to get a larger support network so she’s not your only emotional outlet. If you can’t talk to anyone else about your problems, hire a therapist. I also think more independence (getting your license, moving ahead on buying that house, etc) will show that you are and will be capable of handling your own s**t when the time comes more than taking her to talk to a specialist or something like that.

Besides my gut feeling is that this particular girl is probably not worth chasing after (not that she’s not worth it but that chasing after someone who isn’t into it anymore is a losing game). These lifestyle changes will make you much more attractive to the next person that comes along and less desperate to keep them.

thiscatcameback −  Are her fears valid? If these are real possibilities, and she is unwilling to take that on, then there is nothing you can do. If you think her fears are unfounded or unlikely, then maybe sit down with your OT or SW and have them explain prognosis, occupational potential, etc.

I also wonder if your negativity might be giving her doubts. If you unload on her a lot, cool it. You might be making her feel like more of a nurse maid than a gf, which may be priming her anxiety about looking after you. If she sees that you are independent and resourceful in having your emotional and physical needs met, then she might be less anxious about it all falling on her. Otherwise you are making it impossible to see your disability as anything but limiting.

mayubee −  My husband is 28 and has mild cerebral palsy, all four limbs are affected but like you, he just has a limp and can do pretty much every thing I do except from running and climbing ladders. He drives, swims, works out, goes on walks and takes care of the house… His disability doesn’t affect me at all.

I would say, the first thing I would do would be getting the help of a stroke specialist to make sure you’re getting cared for. Husband is getting supportive care to minimize the effects of his posture on his joints : physical therapy to stretch the muscles he doesn’t use, and he’s going to get botox soon. If you can, swimming is probably one of the best things you can do. Cerebral palsy itself is not going to get worse as it is not a progressive disease but the joints might be painful as time passes.

Honestly caretaker burnout is a real thing but I’m not sure this is the scenario here. I’m guessing you were born with it, and from what you’re describing you sound absolutely functional and not relying on her for anything as of now. I had some disability related anxieties before marrying husband and maybe I’m naive but it seems like the worst case scenarios for the future were just that, worst case scenarios. I’d rather spend my time now with somebody I love.

It’s not because you have a disability that you aren’t capable of being a great, valued life partner. I would be cautious of anyone who would make you feel like you are less than…

RainbowWaters −  Heya, I’m normally not a quote loving type of lady, but I read this one last month, and it really stuck with me: “You’ll never have to negotiate your way into a heart that wants you there.”

If she feels like breaking up, break up. Try to investigate why you want her so badly, is it because she is truly an awesome person, or is there a part of you that is afraid to never be in such a relationship again? And try to be critical on both reasons too! Are they really true?
I truly believe you are deserving of a partner that chooses you 100% No doubts, no “I love you, but…”s She is not and will never be the only girl that will want to be with you and provide emotional support. That’s a girls thing.

Her breaking up with you also does not mean you are worth any less, it says something about her, not you. So good luck. I hope you will keep on taking care of yourself, and realize you deserve the best. X

Igor_Wakhevitch −  Would it be possible, or worthwhile, visiting a Dr/specialist with her who can explain better your disability and what is/is-not likely to happen as you get older? It sounds like a lot of this is coming from her Mother who is almost certainly ignorant and has no idea what she’s talking about yet is influencing your daughter with worst case scenarios.

0biterdicta −  Specialists are great and all, but I would also look for support groups for people with cerebral palsy (and maybe see if there is one for partners of people with cerebral palsy). Specialists can give you an opinion based on the literature but other people with your condition can give you actual lived experience, and that may be even more valuable.

PolyPuppy −  It’s a bit of a cliché that men find their sole source of emotional support in their partner. You’re experiencing why that’s a bad idea: you’re terrified to lose her, you put her on a pedestal, you seem to think she’s the only one capable of giving you that support.
It’s one thing to be an introvert, it’s quite another to be “terrified of meeting people”, as you mention in the comments. I’m an introvert myself, but I’ve got plenty of friends whom I can rely on for all kinds of support, and I actually like to go out and meet people. Is it possible there’s some social anxiety there?

You’re thinking about ways you can manage your disability in the future in a medical sense, and it’s great to be informed, but imo it’s equally important that you widen your support network in other ways. It’s a lot to put on just one person and it’s going to be tough to maintain a balanced relationship if one party always bends over backwards to prevent losing the other.

I’m speaking from experience – I used to date someone who was incredibly c**ngy, because apparently I was the first person he felt he could really be himself around. He claimed he’d been to therapy but that it “didn’t work”, then proceeded to treat me as a therapist! It was exhausting. Try not to be like that.

aoanebslsosj −  Hi, fellow disabled person here who has been through their fair share of relationships. So trust me when I say that there are plenty of people who see your disability and love you anyway. And I say see your disability and love you anyway because it is a big part of your life and it should matter to you and to your partner. You are still so young, there’s a lot of people you haven’t even met yet who will love you platonically and romantically, if you allow them in. As for your situation, it’s complex to answer so I’ll do my best to be succinct.

There’s a lot more to consider other than developing/maintaining independence as a disabled person. I always say everyone has their s**t. Anyone you get into a relationship with has some kind of baggage whether it’s health related or not. The sooner you (and maybe your girlfriend) accept that a caring role is part of all relationships, the better. Everyone needs help sometimes whether it’s because of a disability or just because life is hard.

A good starting conversation might be about why she is so concerned about the potential decline in your healthy right now and the potential of taking on a heavier load of caring. And more important than that, what can both of you do to keep a balance in your relationship. For example, you are a software developer, you said job wise you’re fine. Long term, should your health decline, would you be able to hire a personal/care assistant to remove that pressure of requiring care from your girlfriend? Or are there other areas of the relationship you could take on larger responsibilities to “even it out”?

Relationships are difficult to navigate on a good day, but the added complexities of a disability are not things that people necessarily consider when getting into a relationship. You said you met in April and got together in May. Having done that same really fast turnaround from meeting someone to being in a relationship, it’s really hard to know someone well and to know the intricacies of a disability and what it entails.

Also, a lot of research says it takes 2-3 years in a relationship to really know someone, and I imagine it’s the same with someone’s disability and how that is going to affect life and the future.

There are a lot of questions you need to ask yourself as well, and it’s really hard to look at your own situation through an objective lender and take a pragmatic approach, but sometimes it’s necessary. Why are you clinging to this relationship? Fear of never being loved again? That only happens if you allow it to. Where do you stand on loving and accepting yourself fully? How does the future look if you remain in this relationship?

Consider how it would look if your health/independence declines. Would you be happy to be with someone who is so focused on your disability and potential long term health issues? Would you be happy to be with someone who may resent you for needing care?

Maybe a therapist or local support group for other people with cerebral palsy would be a good place to start. I think the support group would be the best place to start, make some friends, hear from people in similar situations, hear from their friends, families and partners about how they’ve worked through issues. There may be some online resources if you search hard enough but I know myself that disability and relationships are a hard topic to find information on.

A starting point might be a local hospital, they may have resources or specialists that can help. I wish you luck on the journey of figuring this out, it can be a lot to unpack, so I hope any of this resonates or helps.

crazzynez −  Maybe I’m a little callous, but if someone is threatening to leave then you let them go. There are other fish in the sea. You sound kinda desperate to make her stay, that kind of imbalance in a relationship can never be healthy in my eyes. Also why don’t you have your license at 26, and why is your gf trying to leave you over a limp? Sounds like you have a lot of things to work on, focus on yourself and not someone else. You should be working on building yourself up, not worrying about someone who doesn’t see your worth.

BlueFennecGoesCampin −  I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. You should let her go if she wants to go. Being a carer is… draining, in not ways than one. Because this is a you thing, you NEED to be 150+% proactive in your care. You can’t coast this. You have to think if this will impact you 10, 20,, whatever years down the line. If you have kids, to you wan them to be your carers? Do you want your partner to be your carer?

I know you’re worried about her right now, but I’ll counter that you need to worry about yourself instead. Take steps now, be f**king proactive in your healthcare, right now, to make sure you are comfortable in the future. And that hopefully that your (future) partner will also be comfortable.