My (26m) family just discovered my fiance of 5 years (27f) is MTF. All hell broke loose

A Reddit user shared a heartbreaking story about their family discovering that their fiancée of five years is a transgender woman (MTF). During a family gathering, a casual conversation about children led to the revelation, and now several family members are expressing discomfort, even asking that the fiancée not attend future events or interact with their children. The Redditor is seeking advice on how to address this prejudice and support their partner. Read on for the full story.

‘ My (26m) family just discovered my fiance of 5 years (27f) is MTF. All hell broke loose’

I want to make this as quick as possible. My girlfriend, Annie, is MtF. She started transitioning early on in our relationship, but honestly, not that much changed. It was a year before she met my family due to timing, location, etc. They all loved her though. We eventually moved closer and she spends a lot of time with my family, especially my brother and his kids and me.

About two weeks ago, hanging out at a backyard BBQ with my family, some of her friends, etc, the subject of kids comes up. Annie and I are not having kids, as we’re not interested. But someone came up with the whole “Oh you’ll love them when their your own” stuff and Annie just smiled and said, very politely, “Oh, I can’t have children. And I’m not interested.” So the nosy nelly pressed, asking why not, why doesn’t she try IVF, etc. Annie just said, “Well, I don’t have the parts, for one.” Nosy Nelly, confused, asked what she meant.

Let me preface this next part by saying that we never purposely kept that she was MtF away from the family. It just never came up, and it’s not like it’s their business. Annie said, “Oh, I was born with male genitalia and all that, that’s all.” Nosy Nelly thought she was joking, but eventually caught on. Her entire demeanor changed. She got up and moved, she started whispering with other people. But no one had the audacity to say anything to us.

Two days later, a message on Facebook:. Nosy Nelly: Hi. I’m sorry to inform you that I’m no longer comfortable with having Annie babysit the kids anymore. I’d also like it if you could please keep me informed if she is attending any mor BBQs or events. I don’t feel she’s a good influence to have around my children.

I was shocked to get this and didn’t know how to respond. As the day went on, a few more messages like that came in. I haven’t told Annie yet, because I want a chance to fix this or do something before she finds out.. Any suggestions? Tl;dr: Family discovered my long term gf, now fiance, is MtF. Some of them are starting to say they don’t want her around their children or at family get togethers. What do I do?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

[Reddit User] −  “Your loss.” Block and unfriend. And go to any event she is invited to, without checking with nosy assholes. You’ll need to tell Annie very soon. Ask her if she would like to contact them or do anything. Otherwise, your family, your problem, you run the interference between them and her. Good luck.

Spectrum2081 −  You can’t fix this. Talk to Annie and make sure she knows you will stand by her, then respond to the messages as follows.. “Dear Nosy Nellie, I have no idea why you no longer feel comfortable with Annie being around the kids. We have babysat, interacted, genuinely loved and cared for my niblings. Has Annie said or done something to offend you?

Because it seems like the only objection you have toward my fiancée is the status of the genitalia with which she was born. If that is the case I cannot remotely understand why the kids would be interested or affected by what’s under Annie’s skirt any more than what’s under yours.

I love Annie very much. She is the best woman I have ever met, her status at birth notwithstanding. And you or anyone else who makes me choose between them and Annie won’t like the outcome. So no. I won’t be informing you of whether Annie will be present at any family functions ahead of time as if she’s a s** offender. Any person who doesn’t welcome my fiancée can go ahead and strike me off the guest list as well. As for the kids, they are in no danger from Annie. The only bad influences they have in their lives are from small, close-minded ignorant people like you.”

kryren −  I’d tell Annie about the messages and then ask “How do you want me to handle this?” Your SO might want you to cut ties or she might want you to try and work it out. She is the one being slighted so let he decide how to handle it, you just need to be willing to stand up for her and work with her on handling it.

coyote_of_the_month −  These family members sound like horrible, hateful people. Tell them they’re no longer welcome at your family events.

Ts_Omgitslauren −  Damn. I love it when people find out and completely disregard all previous encounters and experiences with a trans-woman.
I bet they also ask you if your gay now right?

mx_reddit −  Okay so I’m gonna recommend a slightly different suggestion from everyone else. Before I do let me say of course that what nosy Nellie did was totally unacceptable and you have every right to completely cut her out of your life. However, this might be an opportunity for promoting openness and understanding. I would give her one chance, and send an email explaining how much you love each other, how wonderful your fiancé is, and how hurtful her comments were.

Sometimes a little unreciprocated understanding and love is all it takes to help someone lose their hate. Sometimes not. If not, then yeah, tell her to f**k off and that you don’t want any immoral degenerates like her around your new family.

ra_thr_away −  I’m not sure we have enough information to really say. How close are you with your family (i.e. how often are these gatherings)? How many people are at these gatherings and how many objected? Who hosts them? How close are you otherwise with Nosy Nelly? In general, just be upfront with Nelly.

For example, my instinct is just to say “I’m sorry if you are uncomfortable around my girlfriend. But I don’t feel that it is reasonable for you to expect me to give you notice of when we will be attending family events.” Then just see what happens. (I would let Annie know immediately though. She is probably used to prejudice and may have some advice and preferences on how to deal with the situation.) Best case she just gives you guys the cold shoulder for a while and then things just blow over after the shock wears off.

However, you sort of imply that you had several other people make comments. If the host of the parties is likely to be a problem, or there is enough people objecting that it would be a hostile environment for Annie to participate, then you might have to draw a line in the sand about it. Make it clear that you find their comments bigoted and that if they want to exclude your girlfriend that they are excluding you as well. Again, consulting with Annie earlier rather than later is probably best here.

RhoBautRawk −  Holy s**t. Nosy Nelly’s behavior isn’t justified at all. Your girlfriend hasn’t done anything to make NN question her I fluence over the kids she’s babysitting. NN is a huge prude. The right thing to do would be to reach out to NN, because it sounds like she’s only acting this way because she doesn’t understand your girlfriend or what she has went through. Offer to visit with NN to answer questions she might have, to get her to see that there isn’t anything wrong with your girlfriend.

Though you could go down the road of ignoring her, maybe sending her a message back explaining why you’re going to ignore her. “I don’t want to be around someone who is willingly being ignorant to something that isn’t your business anyway.”

dallasdarling −  This is my advice for dealing with bigots: be better than they are. Continue to act loving and kind, be patient, and assert for yourself without being confrontational. They may never catch on that they are the ones in the wrong, but you will know that your lashing out did nothing to exacerbate it. I think, rather than assuming you know why your gf’s MTF status upsets them, you should just ask them. Say, “I don’t understand, in what way is she a bad influence on your kids?”

See of you can get them to talk about it. Do they think its contagious? Send them some studies. Do they think is just unnatural? Send them some studies. Do they have a religious objection? Seek out some LGBT-Affirming religious resources / verses / blogs (I can help with that). Do they equate it with something they would consider deviant s**ual behavior (like fetishized cross dressing)? Send them some medical information about gender dysphoria.

Do they think someone who is GSM is more likely to be a s** offender? Send them some data. Or do they just feel betrayed and lied to? If so, maybe express some sympathy and explain that it was a private matter that you all had not planned on discussing with others.

Find out what is the root of her prejudice (and that of the others in your family) with an open heart before addressing them. Escalating to confrontation will not improve the situation, but kind, patient responses armed with clinical data and delivered with love can prevent this from tearing a real rift between you all and your family.

nwpeters −  “You should safely assume that Annie will be attending any event I am invited to. So rather than have us notify you of our intent to attend, I recommend you speak to the host of any gathering to determine whether I have been invited, as we are not inclined to police ourselves in the fashion you suggest.”