My (26f) husband (28m) is frustrated with me because he thinks I’m not feeding our babies adequately because I had to switch to formula.

A Reddit user, a new mother to twin girls, is struggling with her husband’s frustration over her decision to switch to formula feeding. Despite trying to breastfeed, the babies were not feeding well, leading her doctor to recommend formula.

However, her husband disagrees and refuses to help with the night feeds. The user is feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, seeking a compromise with her husband to share the responsibility more equally. Read the original story below:

‘ My (26f) husband (28m) is frustrated with me because he thinks I’m not feeding our babies adequately because I had to switch to formula.’

My husband and I got married about a year ago and have been together for six years. I became pregnant quite quickly, and I gave birth to twin girls about four weeks ago. Thankfully neither of them needed to stay in the hospital for longer than normal, which is rare for twins and I am so happy they’re healthy.

They were born naturally so I don’t have the surgical wound or anything which has made things easier, although the whole thing was not a great experience. But once they were born, everything had seemed to be okay. Except they just wouldn’t breastfeed. I’ve tried, I really have.

I’ve talked to all my doctors, I’ve done everything they said but it just doesn’t work and it hurts as well. They both hate it, and I don’t think I’m even producing enough for both of them because when they will feed, they get really hungry and cry soon afterwards.

I’ve tried absolutely everything to make it work but it just doesn’t and they’ll either refuse or not have enough. I told my husband I can’t do this anymore, and he said that I should talk to my doctors but it’s probably a phase. And once they’re hungry enough, they’ll feed because that’s what they’d been doing.

Also that it’s far healthier for them to be b**ast fed and that we shouldn’t just switch because they’re being picky. He does look after the babies with me and it’s fairly evenly split throughout the day, but I’ve been getting up every night to try and feed them when they’re hungry but it’s just not working.

Eventually I told my doctor I was doing everything I could but they just wouldn’t feed. They checked both of the babies for things that may be affecting this, but there was nothing. So she said just to move to formula,

and that I’ve done the best I could do and it was better at this point to use formula instead because then they’ll be getting enough and not be waking up so often in the night. I told my husband what the doctor said and that we need to switch because the babies going hungry so often could have lasting effects on them in the future and I don’t want to affect their development.

He disagreed, but the babies were starting to cry again and still not wanting to feed, so I called my doctor about everything I would need, what I would need to do. I went and got those things and they actually fed, and slept much better in the night. One of them was still a little fussy but once she had some she was so much better and drank the whole thing.

It was such a relief that I could finally sleep for a bit and they’ve been far happier for the last couple of days once I switched to formula. But I wasn’t feeling well so I asked my husband if he could feed them one night so I could sleep for the night. He still has parental leave, so he doesn’t have work or anything that would be affected by that.

But he said that I chose to go against him without a proper conversation or agreement and so I should be responsible for feeding them still. It upsets me that he holds something like this over me when I tried the best I could to have them breastfeed. They just won’t, and I’ve tried everything.

It doesn’t make any sense forcing them to go hungry when they will have formula, and they’re both much happier now. I was talking to my mother, as she’s going to be coming with my father to see the babies soon and I was telling her that I was really tired.

She said she can help me once she comes to see them with the babies and their feeds at night but I’m already so tired and sore and I wish my husband could help me now. But he said it’s a waste of money and that I should be feeding them like a normal person and that’s what I’m naturally supposed to do.

It makes me feel awful because I’ve tried so hard to do that, but I just can’t. They’re his babies too and it would help so much if he could feed them at night sometimes, even just once a week. I know other women have gone through much worse and what I’m dealing with is not that stressful but it really is a lot,

and I just wish I could have a night’s sleep for once instead of having to be awake so much and I know I’m lucky but it’s really hard and it’s becoming a bit too much. I don’t know how to find any kind of compromise with him when it comes to the feeds at night and it’s making it difficult.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Suspicious_Egg_1516 −  OB nurse here. Your husband is being unreasonable, controlling, and m**ipulative. He is punishing you for making a decision that actually *is* yours to unilaterally make because breastfeeding is YOUR BODY. His input is secondary on this.

They aren’t his breasts, his nipples being sucked on, or his mammary glands not producing enough (VERY common with twins!). Formula isn’t a toxic substance that poisons babies. It is a vital alternative in situations like yours.

The biggest concern here is that your husband, rather than support you in what is obviously a difficult but necessary decision, is using the situation as an opportunity to escape shared parenting duties AND blame you! Is he a humongous a**hole in other areas of your marriage or life?

Because I’m finding it hard to believe that someone this awful is a saint in other aspects. Please consider downloading a free PDF of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and reading it while you’re giving bottles to the babies. Your husband is either temporarily insane or an emotional abuser.

[Reddit User] −  So you are the only one responsible for two entire newborns all night long?? And he’s on leave from work? And your body is still recovering from growing and birthing two entire babies?? I have to wonder if you weren’t producing because you’re incredibly exhausted and stressed. How much sleep could you possibly be getting, a couple hours per night at best?

sportdickingsgoods −  Your husband is absolutely terrible. He’s being a s**tty parent and an a**mination of a partner. You have nothing to feel guilty or upset about, and your feelings are totally valid – you should not diminish them by saying other women have it worse. Fed is best, and you’re doing what you have to do to help your babies thrive.

He’s clearly done no research into the complexities of breastfeeding or the effects of feeding on their development. I don’t know anything about where your parents live, but if I were you, I would honestly take the children and go stay with them while you recover. Your husband doesn’t give a s**t about supporting your recovery from carrying and birthing his children,

and he doesn’t care much for his children either if he’s not concerned about their growth or wanting the feeding time to bond with them. At the end of the day, he is not thinking about you, so you need to think about you. Think through what will best get you through this critical time with your newborns, and then do what you need to do. He can get over himself.

floppybunny86 −  “But he said that I chose *to go against him* without a proper conversation or agreement and so I should be responsible for feeding them still”. I am furious just reading this for you! Your husband is being a controlling, condescending, m**ipulative & a**sive AH. WTAF is wrong with him?

FED is best. If that means b**ast fed or bottle fed, it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that your babies are FED. Your husband is way out of line here. Time for him to educate himself. How close are you with your parents? Is it an option to tell them what’s happening, and ask if you can stay there for a few days so you can get some help? If you can, do it.

I’d also point blank ask your husband why he wants to starve his daughters? Why is he so against them getting fed? Why does he want to torture them? Because that’s what the outcome here is by insisting on breastfed. Breastfeeding isn’t an option – you aren’t producing enough milk, and your girls aren’t latching & eating. So what are the alternatives?

dog_nurse_5683 −  1. If your husband has decided that his kids are to be breastfed, he’s welcome to try. The only person he can tell to breastfeed is himself, since the only body he has control over is his. If you decide you can’t breastfed for ANY reason, then you are correct. No one has control over your breasts, except you.

2. Your husband is a bad father. His kids need to eat. The bottle is the best way to achieve this. He’s a parent and it’s his responsibility to feed his kids and he’s failing. 3. Your husband is a bad partner. You need support. How would he feel if he were in recovery and instead of supporting him in healing, you were trying to control him and making his life worse?

4. He’s a bad person. You and your doctor are saying this is what is best for you and the babies, but he is so arrogant he knows better? He’s an expert?
Maybe it’s the stress of being a new parent, but I truly hope he straightens up and grovels to you for his bad, bad f*ck ups here.

I really hope you let him read this thread and see how little people think of him and his demands. He needs to man/adult up and start being a better parent, husband and human being.

shyshyone21 −  It kind of sounds like he wants them to breastfeed so he has a reason to be lazy and not have to feed them

OkIntroduction389 −  Woah! Your husband is being an ass. First and foremost, fed is best! With my and my husband’s first I tried so hard to b**ast feed but I just couldn’t produce and baby could not latch. He was so supportive to switch to formula.

I’m pregnant with our second now and already decided that unless milk is just falling out, I’m not even going to try to b**ast feed this go round. Your husband needs to be supporting your kids getting fed in the best way that works for them and you. I’m so sorry he’s got his head up his ass.

Fluffybunz746 −  Leave him. Sincerely, a mother of twins.

NYCStoryteller −  Does he want a divorce? Men who want babies need to be prepared to be involved fathers.. 1. Fed is best.. 2. You need sleep, too.
3. Here’s how nighttime works, especially with twins: YOU BOTH GET UP. You’re either feeding or changing diapers, or prepping bottles.

AgonistPhD −  I keep typing and erasing, because I cannot express strongly enough how arrogant, how audaciously controlling, how utterly l**thsome, your husband is. This f**king guy thinks he knows better than you about your body’s milk production, knows better than pediatricians about the best way to keep babies fed and healthy,

and somehow knows better than child development experts in that he’s trying to *discipline actual infants* by starving them unless they b**ast feed like he thinks they should. Seriously, I loathe this man, and he’s rapidly working his way toward you feeling the same. Is he aware of how o**ous he is? Someone should tell him.

It can be tough to balance both your partner’s expectations and your own well-being, especially when it comes to parenting decisions. How do you think couples can find a way to compromise on situations like this? How do you share responsibilities, particularly when one partner is hesitant to let go of a particular approach? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/CXtze