My (26F) husband (26M) cut his family off because they didn’t want us to get married. His grandfather (80/90sM) is sick, and he’s still refusing to speak to them.

A woman seeks advice on helping her husband navigate a complex family estrangement. After his family opposed their marriage, he cut ties with them, even ignoring apologies. Now, his beloved grandfather is gravely ill, and despite receiving proof, he refuses to believe them or reconnect. Read her story below.

‘ My (26F) husband (26M) cut his family off because they didn’t want us to get married. His grandfather (80/90sM) is sick, and he’s still refusing to speak to them.’

My husband and I met in college. His family were nice whilst we were dating but did a 180 when they found out my husband was planning to propose. They tried to convince him not to and threatened to disinherit him/financially cut him off (they never went through with the latter) if he did. He’d warned me that his family were elitist when we met, so I wasn’t that shocked by their reaction. In the end, he proposed and cut them off completely.

They tried apologising before our wedding, but my husband refused to talk to them and wouldn’t invite them. Fast forward to now we’ve been married for over two years and his sister reached out to me over Facebook. She said she’d been trying to contact my husband for a week, but he wouldn’t respond to her or any of their family and she didn’t want to deliver the news in a message.

She asked me to ask him to call her. I mentioned it to my husband, and he said he wasn’t going to do it, and that this was another one of their games to try and get him to contact them. I relayed the message to my SIL, and she ended up telling me that their grandfather was very sick, and he was desperate to see my husband again. Their family is worried he isn’t going to make it.

I tried to tell my husband this but he’s adamant that they’re lying despite his sister having sent me pictures as proof (he refuses to look at them). His parents have both called me to apologise for how they behaved again and are begging me to convince my husband to see reason.

My husband’s grandfather is the person he was closest to and I know if he passes away without them making up, my husband won’t be able to live with himself. I know he’s still hurt by how his family reacted, but I think he’s letting that cloud his judgement. How do I make him see that they’re not lying when he’s in so much denial?

TL;DR – My husband’s family were unhappy about him proposing to me and tried to force him not to. He ended up cutting them off and he’s continued to stay NC despite them apologising and reaching out several times over the years. Now his grandfather is sick, and he thinks they’re lying despite sending us proof and is adamant about continuing to ignore them.

Check out how the community responded:

stabbitytuesday −  You can’t force your husband to get back in touch with his family, and if you try it’s likely to cause problems between the two of you as well. You can say, once, “I know you’re still hurt by the way they treated you and us, but I worry that you’re going to regret it if you don’t see your grandfather before he passes away and I don’t want to see you hurt even more by this.

I totally support whatever you decide to do, but this is the evidence that he’s sick, and I believe your sister when she says that he probably doesn’t have much time left. Please think about it, and let me know if you need to talk.” Then leave him alone. He knows his family better than you, it’s possible that they really are using this crisis to try to bring him back in, where the control tactics and manipulation will start again. Trust your husband to know what he needs.

unsafeideas −  It is likely that them trying to stop marriage was the last straw in larger history of controlling behavior. You treat it is singular exceptional event, by but he likely see it as part of larger pattern. I think it is not just about him feeling hurt. Cutting parents off is hard emotionally. Even if those parents are narcistic or abusive. He might be refusing to trust then now for that reason – contact might re-open emotional can of worms. If they are the kind of people who could plausibly lie about this, if he is not paranoid, contact is risky.
How much do you two talk about his childhood? Maybe it would be worth asking him about.

freethis −  His insistence in maintaining NC makes me think that his issues go far beyond threats of disowning or disinheritance. Maybe they were abusive when he was younger and he hasn’t been able to discuss it with you yet, maybe they said unforgivable things about you and he never told you to spare your feelings. As much as I agree with you, I think the most important thing here is to support your husband regardless of what he decides.

CrimsonGalaxy −  Do NOT go behind his back and contact them. Don’t badger him into reconnecting with them. He went no contact for a good reason. He can make the choice to communicate with them or not. They only came to you because he won’t answer them.
I sincerely doubt they’ve changed their views or behavior. They want to weasel their way back into his life, and try to control him.

What you heard about them not wanting him to marry you? Probably not even the tip of the iceberg. There was probably plenty of behind- the-scenes shittiness you didn’t get to hear about. In any case, please don’t force your husband to contact them, and don’t contact them. Let him decide how he wants to approach this.

DiTrastevere −  I mentioned it to my husband, and he said he wasn’t going to do it, and that this was another one of their games to try and get him to contact them. This is not the kind of thing a person says after *one* transgression. I get the strong feeling that your husband has been putting up with b**lshit from his family for a very, very long time. Their objections to your marriage were just the final straw.

Your husband knows his relationship with his grandfather better than you do. As hard as it may be, I think you need to back off and let him handle his family how he sees fit. He’s not unaware of his previous closeness to his grandfather. He’s *choosing* to stay away anyway. If you think your husband is a fundamentally reasonable person, then trust him to know how to handle his family – even if it makes you uncomfortable. He may make different choices than you would under the same circumstances, but that doesn’t make him wrong.

jigglejigglegiggle −  I’m sorry but I think you are handling this wrong. My husband is also no contact with his family and my number one policy is that I am in his corner. I support him no matter what he decides. That means that anytime his family reach out to me I tell him and ask him how he would like me to proceed. If he wants me to ignore it, I do, no questions asked. If he wants me to respond, I do, no questions asked.

It is okay to tell him what his sister said and talk to him about concerns you have about him being hurt, but beyond that your roll is to support his decision. You should 100% tell his family that and then proceed however he wants you to. If his parents or sister reach out to you again tell them ” this is husbands decision to make and I completely support him no matter what he decides. Please stop contacting me.” They are using you to try to manipulate him and that it not okay and will also destroy your marriage long term.

My husbands family does not even try to contact me anymore because they know that they cannot go through me to get contact to him. He knows more about his family then you do, and you need to trust his judgement on this. You may have a great relationship with your family, but that is not the case for everyone and you cannot force it to be.

Edit: Thank you for the the gold kind redditor! I’m really blown away this comment resonated with so many people. Big hugs to those of you who have had to cut off or go low contact with family. It is always hard, but stick to your boundaries. It is okay to put your own mental health first!

[Reddit User] −  It’s his family. He grew up with them. It’s extremely unlikely that there was just one thing that made him go NC. He doesn’t want to see them. Please don’t push it.

[Reddit User] −  Don’t get involved. I cut off my Grandparents and my wife tried a few times with the whole “they are your family” crap and saying I’ll feel guilty. Guess what? When they died I didn’t feel anything, not guilt or happiness. Nothing, because I didn’t like them.

relmamanick −  Don’t insert yourself into your husband’s relationship with his family. Don’t keep being a messenger, don’t push him to do things one way or another. It is his relationship with his family, it is not your job to manage it. Instead encourage your husband to talk about his feelings and be supportive however he feels.

WizurdKellz −  He must have had issues with his family before you even came along. Otherwise he would have accepted their apology before the wedding. Or talked to them at any point in your marriage. He must not care about pop-pop that much or he would go and check on him, even if he thought it could be a lie. In any case, I’d let it go. Can’t force him to do anything. And after the way they treated you, they shouldn’t feel so comfortable trying to go through you to get to him.