My [26F] fiance’s [28M] ex-wife [28F] has cancer. He’s moved in with her and postponed our wedding.

A Redditor shares her conflicting feelings after her fiancé, Max, moved in with his ex-wife, Caroline, to support her during her stage 4 breast cancer treatment. Max has postponed their wedding until February, and the Redditor is struggling with feelings of anger, guilt, and resentment.

While she sympathizes with Caroline’s illness, the situation has left her feeling emotionally torn and unsure of how to proceed. Read the original story below to learn more about how these complex emotions unfolded.

‘ My [26F] fiance’s [28M] ex-wife [28F] has cancer. He’s moved in with her and postponed our wedding.?’

“Max” and I dated for two years and have been engaged for 9 months, with the wedding date set for early January. We have a healthy, honest relationship, and I’ve never had any reason to doubt him. He and “Caroline” were high school sweethearts who married very young (They were both twenty-two, right out of college).

They divorced after two years. Max told me that they got married too quickly and didn’t realise how different their relationship would be in the “real world,” i.e. when they were both working full-time jobs and struggling to pay the rent. They split up on good terms, but didn’t keep in touch.

He remained in our home city, while she pursued a modelling career and began travelling extensively. Three months ago, Caroline contacted Max over Facebook out of the blue, saying she was in town and wanted to meet for coffee. He agreed. Over coffee, she told him that she had recently been diagnosed with stage 4 b**ast cancer.

Her odds of survival were low, but she was determined to fight it through surgery and chemo. She said that all she wanted was for Max to be by her side throughout her treatment. Caroline’s parents died shortly after she married Max. She has no siblings and the rest of her family lives overseas.

She described Max as the closest thing to family she has left. I absolutely sympathise with Caroline. The next day Max had her over to our apartment and she was completely lovely, clearly trying very hard to be optimistic even in the face of her life potentially ending before she turns 30.

I feel terrible for her and for the situation that she’s in, and I fully supported Max being there for her. Her first surgery was later that month. Max flew across the country (we live on the east coast, she’s on the west) and checked into a hotel a few minutes from her apartment.

He’s a writer, so working from his laptop is no issue. We spoke on the phone or on Skype almost every day for the two weeks he was over there. Caroline had her surgery at the beginning of June. Unfortunately, it was not entirely successful. Her doctors moved to the next method, chemo.

Max came home after her surgery to tell me this. He explained that Caroline’s treatment plan was set to begin in July and end in late January. It would be an incredibly difficult time period for her, and she wanted him with her at all times.

We can’t afford to pay for a hotel until January, so he moved into her apartment, sleeping on her sofa. He’s been there for the past month and we continue to Skype, though only a couple times a week now.

When we spoke yesterday, Max gently told me that based on Caroline’s condition, he wouldn’t feel right leaving her so close to the end of her treatment. He’d like for us to postpone the wedding until February, at the very least, so that he can stay with her until her treatment is over.

I’m so conflicted. I feel awful for resenting Caroline at all – she has cancer! She’s suffering immensely. But the resentment is still there. I resent her for needing Max constantly holding her hand, as though she has absolutely no friends of her own. I resent Max, too, for agreeing to this situation.

We won’t be seeing each other in person for months now, on top of our wedding being postponed. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel. Right now I’m just full of anger and guilt, and I don’t know how to explain it to anyone else in my life.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

VeggiesGoddamnit −  I feel horribly crass saying this, but I can’t imagine them living together, as former lovers, near the possible end of her life, and them not sleeping together at some point. Admittedly, she’ll be in an awful physical state, but it’s such an emotionally-charged situation that it’s highly likely.

It might be a good idea to schedule a couple sessions with an experienced relationship and grief counselor because it’s an unusual problem, and if handled inappropriately it could end your relationship. EDIT: changed ‘marriage’ to ‘relationship’

RememberKoomValley −  He’s intending on living with his ex until _February?_. And you are to do what? Just wait? No, your resentment and discomfort is not wrong. I feel intense sympathy for her, for your partner, absolutely. D**th is a terrifying cold thing.

But he’s supposed to be with you. It was not her right to ask him to be with her as a husband is through this horror.. (Did she ask you?)
My fear is…okay, so February comes, her chemo’s done, now she’s weak and miserable from chemo.

Is he going to leave her then, feeling like that? He should not have asked you over Skype. He should have been there in person. When is the next time you are supposed to see him?

[Reddit User] −  I think all of you painting Caroline as if she did something wrong are stupid. Max deserves 100% of the blame. Caroline is allowed to ask whoever she wants whatever she wants to ask them.

Max is allowed to say “no, ex-wife, I won’t leave my wife-to-be for you, not now, not ever”, and not face any judgement, because what an absurd thing that is to do. OP, I don’t know how you can possibly recover from this one.

You are not selfish to leave this relationship. You are not selfish to tell him he comes home right now or it’s over. You’re not selfish to resent him or her for what they’ve put on you, but you should make sure you understand that HE is 100% to blame for this.

He, at every moment along this path, should’ve taken a look around and realized he was engaged to you, not her, and it is not his fault that she has no one closer than him. Also, he’s literally living with his ex-wife.

Can you imagine any circumstance where a guy leaves his fiancee to live with his ex-wife and they aren’t, at the very least, cuddling and extremely emotionally intimate? I’d be done with him, if I was you, what an obscenely selfish man.

Kyle-Overstreet −  He basically just told you that given the choice he’d rather be with his ex, till d**th do them part.

FlyLesbianSeagull −  Her request that he pick up his life and live with her indefinitely is extremely unreasonable. She will likely die, but what if she hangs on for years of painful treatment? Will he be expected to be there through all that? Will you be expected to just wait it out and not start your married life?

And I know you say she sees him as family, but she’s not treating him well at all if she’s asking him to completely derail his future to provide her with a better present. Yes, she has cancer and that’s awful. But that does not give her license to hijack your husband.

Her expectations are outrageous, but your husband is the real problem. Not only has he abandoned you physically, but he hardly ever contacts you. He gives Caroline 24/7 attention but can’t be bothered to skype with you every day? Dude….

strange_people −  They did not keep in contact. That she is demanding him to be there for her is utterly selfish. She had a good life, traveled a lot. I am sure she made good friends. I don’t think he is closer to her than her relatives. It is not his duty to be tbere for her. If even the relatives cannot come to visit her, why should he?

Also, postponing the wedding would not be an option for me. There is no reason that he has to spend all that tine before the wedding with her. If she were important, they would have stayed in touch.

I lost a friend through cancer – but not once was she this demanding at any time. You should set clear boundaries with your future husband.. Edit: Siblings – relatives

Throwawayway6789 −  He’s honestly acting like he’s still married to her. Please be careful and anticipate him maybe turning around and telling you he’s fallen in love with her again. Also prepare yourself to deal with a heavily broken fiance once she passes.

He’s getting too involved in this, good terms or no. Even if she is sick, they no longer have wedding vows. They’re divorced. Yet, he’s still up keeping his “in sickness and in health” portion of the vow. That’s incredibly unfair to you.

It’s incredibly rude and inconsiderate of her to just call upon your fiance to take of her because she’s sick. I understand she has no one, but she’s disrupting your future with your fiance.

antiqua_lumina −  How much evidence do you have that her terminal cancer is legitimate? I’ve known a couple of mentally unhealthy people who have faked or exaggerated ailments for sympathy before.

Could the ex be doing the same? The fact that she went to your fiance for support instead of a close friend or extended family member is a red flag that there may be some attention-seeking behavior going on here.

twinkiesmom1 −  She should be the one to move to where you and fiancé live if she wants his support as a friend.

mrrpaderp −  I hope you actually see this comment but… I seriously question this story. Stage IV cancer is incurable (which is distinct from “treatable”) so the first step in treatment is almost never surgery. The body is just too weak to handle it; it actually decreases your overall chance of survival.

The focus with stage IV cancer is extending life as long as you can maintain quality of life. So step one in the process is chemo or hormone therapy to shrink the (metastasized) tumors and see if surgery might – MIGHT – be an option. The line that “unfortunately surgery didn’t work” really rings false.

Of course surgery didn’t work. Surgery would never work in stage IV because the definition of stage IV is that it’s metastasized into other organs such that it can’t be removed surgically without removing too much tissue.

That’s aside from the fact that less than 5% of all first time diagnoses of b**ast cancer in the U.S. are at stage IV, so if she’s getting a regular pap (which includes a b**ast exam) it’s highly unlikely that she just woke up one day and discovered she had stage IV b**ast cancer.

Basically, unless you’ve left out a lot of details, this story is almost certainly a load of crap. Talk to your fiancé and see if he’s being had, or if he’s just using this so called cancer as a way to get back with his ex without seeming like a bad guy.

This story highlights the challenge of balancing empathy for someone in pain with the reality of feeling neglected and hurt. It’s a complex emotional journey, and it’s natural to feel conflicted in such a situation.

Have you ever been in a relationship where a partner’s previous relationship caused strain? How did you navigate feelings of resentment and guilt? Share your thoughts on how to manage such a delicate emotional situation below.

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/eGapu