My [25M] wife [25F] made it a point not to thank me in front of her friends, I’m a bit upset

A 25-year-old husband shared his feelings of hurt after his wife dismissed the idea of thanking him for completing household chores in front of her friends. While he understands that contributing to household responsibilities is a shared duty,

he felt unappreciated and singled out when his wife used the situation to make a broader point about gender roles. Despite discussing it with her, she maintained her stance, leaving him unsure of how to move forward. For the full story and to join the conversation, read below.

‘ My [25M] wife [25F] made it a point not to thank me in front of her friends, I’m a bit upset’

Yesterday I went to the store and got our groceries for the week, one of my usual chores. Wife had some friends over. As I was bringing in the food and putting everything up, one of them remarked how nice it was that I was taking care of that. I smiled and continued.

I expected my wife to say “yeah he’s great isn’t he?” or something similar to what I say about her every day, and move on. Instead, she said “he lives here too, it’s just as much his responsibility to be sure we have food to eat.” Alright, very true. I voice my agreement. She continues. “Him taking in a few bags of groceries doesn’t mean he’s anything special.”…ok, again fair enough.

Not a particularly loving or kind choice of words though. I don’t say anything back. That still isn’t the end. As I finish everything up she goes on a two or three-minute monologue about how men need to step up around the house more, that they shouldn’t be applauded for doing basic household tasks, we (women) should demand more etc. etc.

Once again, a valid point in many situations but that’s where I got a bit irritated. First of all, my wife saying all of this in front of me as I’m doing stuff, with the catalyst of the conversation being one of her friends admiring me for doing that stuff, implicates me as part of that problem. Which is b**lshit, I do every bit as much work around our home as she does.

Probably a bit more honestly (also no kids fyi). If she wanted to talk about this – again, very valid observations in general – she should’ve detached it from me as an individual. ie “yeah he does so much around here, but so many other men don’t” Secondly, it just felt weird and a bit hurtful that she would take this opportunity to give a sermon instead of just complimenting her husband.

At least in front of him. Most of the things we do around the house are day-to-day stuff that needs to get done for everyone, not personal favors. Yet this doesn’t stop me from thanking and appreciating her for everything that she does, on a daily basis. Because we’re not co-workers; we’re spouses that should love, support and build up each other.

Hell even some people at work say thank you on occasion for doing your job. After her friends left I talked with her about these issues, she entirely disagrees. Repeating the same point about how I “don’t deserve” gratitude for this and that. Again, not the best attitude to have towards a spouse and a marriage imo. What should I do from here? May seem like a small issue but it really did sting a little.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

[Reddit User] −  I can’t remember where but I once heard someone say that the worst thing you can do in a relationship was to punish people (making them feel bad like she did would count) for good behaviour.

Kanly23 −  That’s a sure fire way to make someone feel completely unappreciated. I’m sure you just want to run right back out now and knock out some more chores.

the-willow-witch −  I mean some of her points are true, mainly in that people tend to go overboard in saying how amazing a dude is if he sweeps the floor once. So I see where she’s coming from. HOWEVER. My husband and I both agree with those points and we still thank each other every time the other does something around the house. Even if it’s expected.

Like, I don’t work (SAHP and student) so I do most of the household chores. But even so, my husband will thank me every time he notices I’ve done something and vice versa. “I noticed you took the trash cans down to the street, thanks love.” “Thank you for doing laundry last night.” “Thanks for making dinner.” Etc etc.

I agree that if she wanted to make those points she should have clarified that a) you’re not one of those guys and b) she’s appreciative of you. Just because you rightly share household responsibilities doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a thank you or some appreciation.

MyWiddleSmushFace −  I thank my girlfriend every time she does a chore and she thanks me every time I do one. Whether we are supposed to or not, whether we are doing our fair share or not, we say thank you when somebody does something for us. Similarly, this is a value I teach my daughter. It goes for everyone: Kindness deserves thankfulness. “Thanks for holding the door” “Thanks for thinking of me.” “Thanks for calling, it was great to hear from you.”

manualLurking −  Again, not the best attitude to have towards a spouse and a marriage imo. I think most would agree with you. Its not a small issue and its ok to feel that way. If its something you feel you can look past then that’s fine but if you have even the slightest concern that it will cause resentment then you should try having the conversation again.

syd-malicious −  Gonna throw this out there just for some variety, since all the other comments seem to be up in arms against your wife. I think the correct interpretation really depends on what was happening before you came in the room, including the general dynamic of the relationship with these friends.

There certainly could have been an implied gender commentary coming from the friend who made the initial comment, in which case your wife could have simply been trying to rebut the gender commentary, without meaning to devalue your (non-gendered) contribution to the relationship. After all, her actual statements are valid, as you acknowledged.

I am VERY appreciative of my husband and all that he does for me, but I am not extra appreciative of his contributions just because he is a man doing things that many women are expected to do, and to be honest I am sometimes cautious about praising him in front of other people if I think they will interpret it in a gendered way because I don’t want to reinforce a stereotype that I think hurts a lot of other women,

even though I acknowledge that it isn’t much of a factor in my life. In private, I thank him for every little thing because I AM grateful, but in front of other people there is a layer of expectation that can make the praise seem cheap or even toxic. I’d be happy to provide some of my own examples if it might help you see another perspective. Edit: Thank you for the silver, anonymous stranger!

travelbug898 −  Personally, I agree with your POV and tbh, your wife’s POV sounds really cold and callous. First question is tho: do you feel supported in your marriage by your wife? Words =/= actions and your wife’s actions may actually meet your needs, even if her words are pretty s**tty here.

abitoftheineffable −  Does she think the work around the house isn’t equitable?

whenisleep −  It does sound like she was trying to make a point. My mind immediately jumped to one of her friends having trouble in her own relationship, eg friend being expected to do all the chores because it’s women’s work.

And that this was your wife’s way of saying that you doing the shopping and chipping in is the bare minimum and that friend should expect more from her partner. But your wifes reaction afterwards doesn’t match. So I don’t know. Best you can do is sit her down, tell her how you felt and talk it out a bit.. Best of luck.

Gavroche15 −  I thank my wife for little things she does all the time. Feed the dog, make dinner, pick up toothpaste, and basically everything else she does that I remotely benefit from. She does the same for me. I thought this was normally. To be kind and grateful to your spouse. What your wife did… wow. I would have been so pissed off. Not at the lack of a thank you, but at the self righteous attitude.

Do you think gratitude for everyday contributions is important in a marriage, or should shared responsibilities go without acknowledgment? How would you approach balancing fairness and appreciation in a partnership? Share your insights and advice below!