My (25M) girlfriend (27F) opened up about her past while drunk, not sure if I should talk about it or ignore it.

A man’s girlfriend, who’s been dealing with anxiety and stress due to relocating to a new country, opened up to him while drunk about her past struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. He’s unsure if he should address it, considering she apologized for sharing it. He wants to reassure her that he’s there for her, but doesn’t want to overstep. Read the full story below.

‘ My (25M) girlfriend (27F) opened up about her past while drunk, not sure if I should talk about it or ignore it.’

A little background: I’ve been dating this foreign girl for a little over 2 months and we’ve had an absolutely wonderful time so far. Quite early on she already opened up that she has quite severe anxiety, but had medication and counseling to control it. Since coming here it’s been really stressful for her with finding a job, a place to live, all the paperwork etc, but on top of that some of her medication is not freely available here, which she has run out of now. Once she has her medical insurance all set up, she’ll be able to get other medication and go to a counselor.

This week she had a couple of drinks and got drunk. She called me after and we talked about some normal things, but after a little while she began opening up a bit more about her past. She said there have been periods where she’s been depressed and at times had s****dal thoughts. I didn’t really know what to say, so I said that I’m real glad she didn’t because otherwise I wouldn’t have met this wonderful woman. She talked about missing her friends etc and I tried to comfort her a little bit.

I’m not sure how to handle this situation. She apologised for saying those things over the phone, which makes me think to just forget about it. But on the other side, I really want her to know that I care a lot about her, that I want to be there for her, that she can talk with me about these things and that it won’t scare me away. Let her know that I’m in it for the long haul. TL;DR: girlfriend opened up about past depression and I need advice how to deal with it.

Check out how the community responded:

reddish4radish −  Imo: You should let her know that you are thankful that she talked to you about her problems. It must have always been in the back of her mind. Tell her that she is a strong person and that you’ll always be there if she needs someone to talk. She might feel bad atm because she deconstructed the image you had about her, at least in part.

Adesteefah −  She doesn’t want to be an emotional burden. Just let her know you are there for her.

UnknownStaleness −  I agree with people’s advice about thanking her. Opening about this stuff shows a person really trusts someone and thinks highly of them so while it’s a lot for you to handle, it’s a weird compliment as well. That said don’t be afraid to set boundaries around discussing stuff like this. My GF and I both have eating disorders (pre-dating meeting each other) and we both firmly refuse to engage in ‘baiting’ type talk with each other like when the other says ‘do you think i’m gaining weight?’ or ‘did you read about this diet?’.

We will ask the other why they are feeling like they are needing that coping strategy right now but refuse to engage in the behaviour. We always try to do it with love as in ‘I will not harm you by helping you self harm’ rather than shame like ‘oh my god, why would you do that?’ We also found that often it was easier to open up when you weren’t face to face so phone calls, texts, walking side by side or lying in bed in the dark made it easier to say vulnerable things such as disclosing feelings or setting boundaries.

And for really really tricky stuff as we got to know each other better and read moods and cues we used certain animal memes and photos as a proxy. It’s a bit like when kids ask if teddy can have their tummy rubbed when they feel worried about asking for their needs to be met directly but surprisingly adaptive to adults. My GF and I store up our chosen animal photos and memes and send them if we don’t have words for stuff yet so the picture of the snake in a jumper says it for you and then becomes a shorthand so you can ask later ‘are you a snake in a sweater kind of day?’

I find everyone with anxiety responds well to boundaries and a lack of uncertainty so instead of her thinking ‘oh s**t what if he hates me now because it’s 7 hours since I talked to him about this’ you can text and say ‘hey, just grabbing breakfast and doing the laundry so probably going to be off text for a bit but if you’d like to talk about stuff from last night, want to chat after dinner?’

That kind of response stops her spiralling which then makes he unable to talk it through later and sets your boundary that you need time to process it. It doesn’t enable but creates the best possible way to come back to stuff for both of you. I always find it super helpful when people don’t leave me hanging or return my vulnerability with sincerity.

Hope that helps. Also if it’s appropriate offer to help her with the practicalities of finding meds and therapy in your country. It’s hard doing that with anxiety anyway but even without anxiety having a native who just knows how the medical system or whatever in new place works really helps.

Often a lot of living in a new country is translating the culture more than the language per se. I live in the UK and have played guide for many American friends who are baffled by the NHS or why British people queue so much even though we all speak the same verbal language. It really helps having someone show you instead of get knocked back or stuck.

Vaches −  Hi OP! I’m basically in the same boat, but roles reversed! I started dating someone 2 months ago, and I’ve drunkenly told him things that I regretted the next day. I’ve apologized a dozen times over, but he reassured me that I can’t scare him away with my mental illnesses. Heck, we can relate on some levels, since we share ADHD. I still feel really guilty, but I absolutely feel like I can trust him even more.

Well, I’m in the throes of a depressive episode, and I’m currently in hospital. I fully, entirely, definitely expected my boyfriend to get freaked out and break things off or at least back away. That’s a helluva way to kick off a relationship. But he blew me out of the water by telling me he’s thankful I’m getting help, he still loves me, he wants to sneak his cats into my room, he misses me, AND he visited and gave me a foot massage. I recently got privileges to leave the unit, and he said he’ll take me on a date. When I said, “I can’t leave the hospital…” he replied, “Then it will be a hospital date!”

You have no idea how much all of this means to me. Just like your girlfriend, I’ve let myself be vulnerable around him, and he responded with kindness that melted my heart. Vulnerability is very scary, and taking the time to say, “I know opening up is hard, I feel honoured that you let me in, and I will always listen” can make a world of difference.

In my opinion, let her know how you feel so she doesn’t agonize over it and try to push that vulnerability away from you. If there are parts of what she told you that make you concerned – talk about that, too. There is nothing quite as relieving as knowing that someone you care about WANTS to know about and support you through your illness, not just tolerate it as a side effect.

ueeediot −  Here’s the most important thing I have ever learned about being a boyfriend/husband.. You do not have to fix everything. Sometimes, you just need to listen and understand and support. In this case, the knowledge of what she has told you needs to be held in confidence and paid attention to in the future.

princessofbenfica −  Hi OP! In my experience as someone diagnosed with Generalized Ansiety Disorder and Clinical Depression, talking about how you feel can be even fisicaly hurtful because, on my moments of insecurity, you don’t want to be a burden on those who are important to you.

In your case, you are a important new person on her new fase, see how worthy you are? I would be terrified to lose you or scare you away because how problematic I am but also I would hate myself if I don’t tell you about it. That’s a brand new and delicate moment of her life, I clearly can see that she’s problably stressed and insecure with all this changes at the same time while she tries to stablish her new treatment on this new location.

All you can do for her is to be patient and compreensive, talk to her about feelings always (not only hers) because you’ll open as safe place of conversation for both of you to be honest without gilty and shame.. Good luck!

flowerboy2627 −  She’s apologizing because she’s probably feeling insecure about telling you that sensitive information because she isn’t sure if you see her differently/ treat her differently. I think it would be good if you told her that you are thankful for her telling you that sensitive information and that if she ever would like to discuss it with you you’re here for her. ( I’ve been the “gf “ in a situation similar).

[Reddit User] −  It’s good that she opened up to you. Even if you can’t relate, just let her know that you care and you’re there for her. You should definitely talk to her about it, it will have been building up for a long time. I only moved about 125 miles across North england and I miss my old town (sort of), family, mates. I’m acutely aware of how old my mum is getting and how little time we have. I’m not a sociable person and so I ended up feeling a bit isolated and alone generally for the first couple of years, and you are missing the support of old friends and family.

StateofWA −  As men we often feel that it’s our job to fix things, but this isn’t something you can fix. Only time can heal this wound, if at all. She wants someone who will listen and not judge her. You don’t have to understand why she feels the way she does, either. Some things in life are inexplicable, and our emotions are often the definition of that word.

LeeLeeKelly −  Just be there for her, man. You can’t fix her, and she may never completely heal. Depression sucks, but it sucks worse feeling alone with it. As long as she’s seeking shelter in the warmth of your embrace, be that for her. If either of you are religious, do what’s appropriate there as well. Just don’t think she’s too broken to be worth your time.