My (25F) mother (50sF) wants to “help” plan my wedding so she can “live vicariously through me.” How do I handle this?

A Reddit user (25F) is dealing with tension over her mother (50sF) wanting to plan her wedding, and the user feeling pressure to include her in every decision. The user and her partner initially wanted to elope but settled on a small wedding with a budget of under $3,000.

After venting to her mom about wedding planning, the user agreed to let her help find a venue, but when the user found a great park for the wedding herself, her mom became upset. The user is unsure if she did something wrong by moving forward with her own plans and doesn’t want to hurt her mother’s feelings while still staying true to her preferences.

‘ My (25F) mother (50sF) wants to “help” plan my wedding so she can “live vicariously through me.” How do I handle this?’

My partner (28M) and I want to be married, but we don’t care much for the idea of having a wedding. We wanted to elope, but my mom has been telling me since I was sixteen (and had never even had a boyfriend) that she wanted to see me get married and she would basically never forgive me if I eloped.

I do like the idea of my family being there to celebrate with us, but I hate the idea of spending money we don’t have on this huge party just so that our relationship can change in nothing but name and legal benefits. And for various reasons, it doesn’t make sense for us to wait until we can afford a wedding to get married.

We wanted to keep it small, preferably under $3,000 (which is honestly more than I’d like to spend, but we have to be realistic). We had planned on having it in my in-laws’ backyard but even that was more money and effort than I was willing to put forth. I was stressed and feeling like I was out of options, so one day, I vented to my mom.

She seemed really excited about the idea of helping me plan a wedding. It was kind of a red flag when she said, “My mom didn’t help me plan my wedding. Let me live vicariously through you.” But still, I agreed. She seemed really excited to help me find a venue.

I was not excited, because I have not been excited about one single step in the wedding process and I just want it to be over. (Maybe it’s supposed to be fun if you have money? IDK.) About a week later, I found out that this really great park in our city (that my partner LOVES) does weddings for an extremely small fee.

I emailed the event coordinator and found out that the date we want is available. I told my mom, and her reaction was, “So I guess you don’t need my help finding a place, then?” And every time I talk about it, she says the same thing. She has always talked about how s**tty it is to guilt trip someone, but I feel like that’s exactly what she’s trying to do.

I honestly can’t tell whether or not I’ve done something wrong? Like, I’m not sure if I implied that I would only get married in a place she helped me find? I don’t feel like trying to take action on my own wedding is that great of an offense, but I can tell she’s upset. I want to make her feel better, but at the same time, I don’t want to change our plans again just so that she can feel involved. Am I in the wrong? If I am, what should I do to make it better?

Check out how the community responded:

Doughchild −  “So I guess you don’t need my help finding a place, then?” “That’s right, not needed.” Keep confirming that you’re set with that. If this doesn’t work, perhaps have a conversation about what she exactly wanted from her mother and what she actually wants to offer you. Support is not the same as planning for others.

Is your mother married, btw? She can marry the same guy again if she is and plan her own wedding with her wishes. Vow renewals are pretty popular.

DFahnz −  Whose wedding is this?

BalancetheMirror −  Maybe it’s supposed to be fun if you have money? IDK. Wedding planning sucks regardless, IMO. I would ignore her being hurt over nothing (that park sounds great), and give her *errands*. She can find your wedding shoes or veil or garter or whatever things you can send her looking for.

Maybe like, “My veil must have amethysts sewn in and heirloom lace.”?? That’ll work for a few weeks a least. The “living vicariously” through you could be trying to bond or it could be overbearing. Hoping for the former. Have your lovely park wedding. Enjoy yourselves! That is actually the point.

imtchogirl −  Offer a compromise- the most common one is dress shopping. Or make a list of tasks and pick some (that you don’t care about) for her to do. Chair rental, food, getting permits, drinks, things like that.

Gnork −  Do you remember that episode of Friends when Phoebe is put in charge of ice? It was a total non-task but she needed one to feel important and included. Give her a task! Put her in charge of something smallish and commit yourself to being happy with the results. If you think her taste is questionable put her in charge of something that isn’t going to be photographed much, like the gift table.

Laquila −  So her mom didn’t let her plan her wedding, which seems she didn’t like, and even still resents. Yet she is wanting to do the same to you? What type of wedding does she envision anyway? You’ve stated a simple, inexpensive wedding. If she’s not on the same page, then it’s easy: she does not get to plan your wedding. Because it is YOUR wedding, not hers.

heavyblossoms −  we wanted to elope. Why did this post go any further than this line right here?

[Reddit User] −  It sounds like there is some personal history your mom is going through. I do not think her reaction is meant for you if she is normally a decent, level-headed woman.
If this is abnormal behavior, a conversation on how you feel is needed.

Specifically: financial constraints, your actual desires for the wedding (explain what you actually wanted and your compromising limit on how big it is), and specific ways she can help if you want her help (it sounds like you are fine with her helping).

The goal with this conversation is to bridge her back into the reality that this is your wedding, these are the actual ways to help, and these are the constraints. If this is very abnormal behavior, I would also ask why she is behaving that way. Include specific actions she has done in this format: “I feel emotion when you do her action.

I would prefer [how you want her to act]. Can we please discuss how we can achieve [desired reaction]?” Do not use this if this normal behavior. It will likely not help. If this is normal behavior, you might be out of luck. Do your wedding your way and don’t worry because if this is her normal, she will more than likely be upset no matter what you do.

I would also be inclined to just elope if I were in your shoes if this is normal. She will probably just make planning and the wedding worse. Since you already seem unsure about the cost and stressed about planning, her behavior will make the wedding definitely not worth it.

Mullberries −  We wanted to keep it small, preferably under $3,000 (which is honestly more than I’d like to spend, but we have to be realistic). There are some really amazing places in the US that do all inclusive elopement ceremonies for less that that price. My dude and I have been talking about a wedding and we decided that it’d be absolutely best if we eloped because my family is fricking awful.

MissKUMAbear −  I’ve been reading through your comments here as well a bit. Are you sure you don’t want to elope? I only ask because that is what my fiance and I are going to do and it’s about 80% because my mom is exactly like this and it is exhausting. Remember whatever you decide it’s your and your fiance’s day, not your moms. She had the opportunity to stand up to her mom and didn’t take it. Don’t let yourself fall into that trap.