My (25F) boyfriend (27M) wants a clean house but refuses to clean?

A woman (25F) is struggling in her relationship with her boyfriend (27M) after moving in together. Initially, they agreed on a balance of cleaning responsibilities, but after living together, her boyfriend has become critical of her for minor cleaning mistakes while refusing to clean up after himself.

He holds her to high cleaning standards but won’t maintain a schedule or contribute to the upkeep of their home. The tension surrounding household chores is starting to strain their relationship, and she feels overwhelmed and confused about how to resolve the issue. Read the full story below.

‘ My (25F) boyfriend (27M) wants a clean house but refuses to clean?’

Just typing out the title to this post has me feeling like a basket case, but here goes. When I first met my boyfriend, it was immediately apparent that he is disorganized and messy. He was clearly very comfortable/unembarrassed by this, and I’m relatively easygoing regarding clutter and piles of things like books and mail stacking up, so I didn’t see this as a negative. He was so sweet and caring, and we really connected on everything.

In a weird way, it feels comforting to me when I walk into someone’s home and see little messes. It’s like I can see the trace of how they’ve gone about their day/week, and it feels very human.

Maybe that’s strange, but whatever. I, personally, have a weekly maintenance cleaning schedule I stick to (i.e. clean bathrooms on Thursday, do laundry on Tuesdays, etc) and I try to spend 15-20 minutes at the beginning or end of each day ensuring things are back in their place, dishes are done, etc. This is a simple system that works for me.

We had so many discussions about this prior to moving in together, so I thought we were on the same page: do your best to clean up after yourself; we’re in this together as partners and can help each other out as needed; a house should look lived in, and it’s okay if things get a little messy and out of hand from time to time.

Also, I like doing the laundry, so I agreed to take on that responsibility 100%. We agreed we’d delegate specific chores if necessary. Then something weird happened when we actually moved in together. Suddenly, he has this very high standard for cleaning that he isn’t willing to hold himself to like, at all.

The house is a wreck, and I’ve rapidly learned that if I don’t clean it, it won’t get cleaned. The kitchen counters are so full of junk that I can’t even put down a cutting board. The couch is sometimes so cluttered with junk that I can’t even sit down. It’s bad and frankly, it’s overwhelming.

This is a mess far beyond what I ever witnessed at his house before we moved in together. The worst part is that he gets upset with me for things like leaving an empty soda can out of the counter overnight, forgetting to clean a pot when I’m doing the dishes, or forgetting the little plastic razor blade cap in the shower.

Meanwhile, these little things are like blips in the sea of filth and destruction he’s always setting off across the house. He says I “lack initiative” and I’m not just seeing what needs to be done and doing it, but the truth is, if I did everything that needed to be done, I’d be running around like a maid all day (on top of my full time job) to clean up messes I’m not making.

I can be supportive and pick things up here and there, which is what we agreed to do for each other when things get out of whack, but this is truly extreme. When I try to explain this to him (and ask why he isn’t just seeing and doing what needs to be done), he says I’m being defensive and not taking responsibility.

I’ve tried to come up with a list of chores we can be responsible for individually but he refuses to maintain a schedule of any kind. I’m at the end of my rope and I feel like some terrible trick has been played on me. Did I set myself up for failure somehow?

Does anything I’ve described come across as failure on my part to communicate effectively? I love this man so much and if it weren’t for the household issue we’d have a great relationship. I’m just feeling pretty defeated and confused and would love to hear some additional perspectives.

TL;DR: My boyfriend isn’t willing to clean at all and it is destroying our relationship.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

LafayetteJefferson −  Oh no. Nonononono. This little boy wouldn’t keep his own space clean without you but expects you to be his maid now? And he shames you and treats you badly when you expect him to act like a basic ADULT? OH HELL NO. Break up immediately. Do not help him pack his stuff.

Elfich47 −  Move out. He wants a clean house but isn’t willing to do the work. And you are straight forward: “I’m moving out because you aren’t willing to carry your own weight”

floridorito −   if it weren’t for the household issue we’d have a great relationship. You mean the out-of-control issue that you deal with every single day?

nnylam −  M**ipulative people often say one thing and do the opposite, in attempts to control you – just throwing that out there. They also believe they’re above the rules and have insane double standards that don’t make sense. This behaviour will often show up when you move in together because they feel like it’s now harder for you to get away from them. Please break up with this guy.

StarryCloudRat −  Did your house look like this when you lived alone? If not, then this is not your problem to fix. Move out.

incognitothrowaway1A −  Move out. He can hire a cleaning lady. You are NOT his maid, not his mommy. Edit. He’s SO M**IPULATIVE. Move out

annakarenina66 −  it has. the house is worst now because he’s doing nothing at all. he clearly did some cleaning previously and has decided it’s now all your job. on top of that he won’t even put things in the bin because it’s Your Job. it’s likely sexism and your relationship is doomed if he can’t even discuss it.

you need to be blunt. bf you’ve bait and switched on me by being capable of cleaning previously and now refusing too. I’m not your parent or your slave and am no longer going to clean your crap until you start helping. if you refuse then I’ll be moving out (as soon as tenancy allows).

all his stuff you d**p in a box in the corner. together..plates, clothes, rubbish, tissues, letters. the lot. clean the kitchen and make dinner for you only and wash up after. if he uses and doesn’t wash pans add them to his box. learn to make one pot dishes and just use one pot.

if you have two bedrooms move into one. don’t have s** with him. if he’s this gross that’s not attractive. tell him so – you’re really turned off by someone so disgusting. remember you love the idea of him, who he falsey portrayed – not the him he has turned into now he has relaxed. this is the real him.

metalmorian −  Ah, you made the classic mistake of taking a man at his word that he’s interested in having and being a *partner* instead of a dependent. (This is sarcasm, OP didn’t make a mistake). He won’t clean, but expects a clean place. This OBVIOUSLY means he sees it as YOUR role to clean. There’s nothing you can do about that.

You can spend the rest of your life cleaning after him and be grateful for the opportunity to do so, or you can spend the rest of your life fighting to get him to care that you are tired of cleaning up after him, but the standard for this relationship is that you do the cleaning and he does the relaxing.

You either accept this and buy into the mindwashing that goes into making a life like this tolerable (you’re weak, you’re worth less, it’s a woman’s place, it’s a woman’s duty, the sins of Eve mean women must suffer through their lives, etc) or you get used to him promising he will change, then changing for two weeks to two months, until slowly, day by day, inch by inch, getting back to this place where you do all the domestic work and all he has to do is go to work.

With him, this will always be an issue because he sees his time at home as free time for him and your time at home as work time – for you. And that won’t change, because it’s too good for him – he has no responsibilities while being waited on hand and foot. Who doesn’t want that?

CafeteriaMonitor −  I’m at the end of my rope and I feel like some terrible trick has been played on me. Did I set myself up for failure somehow? Does anything I’ve described come across as failure on my part to communicate effectively? I love this man so much and if it weren’t for the household issue we’d have a great relationship.

I hear a lot of you searching for reasons that *you* could be the problem, when it’s very clear that he is very much the one who is creating this mess, and then g**lighting you about why the house isn’t cleaner and saying you lack initiative and need to take responsibility.

He is a s**t partner with double standards about the effort that should be put into your lives together, and I promise that if he’s that type of person, it’s not just the cleanliness that’s going to be the problem in the long run. You need to run away far and fast from this relationship.

Elegant-Hearing362 −  He’s okay with what he does but gets mad for things out of place by you. That’s what it is. He also is taking 0 accountability for cleaning.. I wouldn’t want to live with him

Maintaining a home and sharing responsibilities is crucial for any partnership, but how do you navigate differing expectations? Have you encountered a similar situation where one partner’s lack of initiative was causing major tension? Share your thoughts below!