My (25 F) coworker (25 F) keeps asking for rides home and I’m starting to regret it

A Redditor shared their struggle with a coworker who frequently asks for rides home but becomes moody and distant when they decline. The situation escalated when the coworker asked for money, making the Redditor feel uncomfortable and unsure how to set boundaries without causing conflict. Read the full story below.

‘ My (25 F) coworker (25 F) keeps asking for rides home and I’m starting to regret it ‘

My (25 F) coworker (25 F) keeps asking for rides home and I’m starting to regret it Hi! I recently started a new job at an adult retail store, I absolutely love my job and my coworkers. It’s the first time in a while where I feel like I blend in very well with the team, everyone has been incredibly kind and welcoming.

One of my coworkers is Nina (fake name), Nina is really nice and very funny. The only downside to Nina is occasionally she has really big mood swings. She just becomes like a deflated or rough version of her self and it’s honestly uncomfortable to be around sometimes.

The mood swings are so bad that I was even warned about it by several coworkers before working with Nina. Nina doesn’t have a car so whenever we’re closing together she’ll ask for a ride. At first I really didn’t mind it at all, I didn’t ask for gas money I considered her a new friend so I didn’t mind doing it out of pocket.

Sometimes she’ll ask to stop at a store on the way home which is kind of annoying but ya know I’m trying to be nice. Last week a few days before pay day Nina asked me for money, she said it was for weed. Which I get it ya know times are tough but I don’t feel comfortable giving money to coworkers and plus it’s almost the holidays. I told her no and just explained I was kinda broke myself.

She seemed to understand but got really quiet, the car ride almost felt a little awkward but we still had casual small talk. I spoke to another coworker about it and was told apparently Nina asks everyone for money, she pays them back but it annoys everyone. She also apparently will try to guilt people into giving her the money, it had gotten to the point where management has had to talk to her.

Last night Nina and I were closing together, she came in a bad mood but seemed to cheer up a bit until the end of the night. She was dead silent the whole 15 minutes to her house and I felt like a s**tty unpaid Uber. It’s not even that she has to be my best buddy the whole time, but she put her headphones in and seemed annoyed if I asked for a reminder with directions.

I’m not sure if I want to continue giving her rides home after that but I’m unsure how to get out of it? I’d still like to be her friend but I just feel a little used. I’m not sure if this is even worth mentioning but she’s slowly started asking for rides later through out the shift. When I first started she’d ask for a ride as soon as she clocked in, she now waits until an hour before closing.

I know Nina wouldn’t be completely fucked without a ride home as her roommate has picked her up/dropped her off at work before. I’m a very big people pleaser who struggles with conflict so any advice is helpful. Adding an edit as I wrote this down in my notes app awhile ago and need to add this.

So I decided to have my partner drop me off at work and pick me up later, it was a passive way to not have to give Nina a ride home. So Nina arrived to work in a very rough mood, she was distant to everyone and even a little rude. Eventually she acknowledged my existence and asked for a ride home.

I explained I didn’t have my car and that my partner was picking me up. She immediately got quiet and just walked away. She went into our backroom and was possibly crying for 20-30 minutes. I eventually went into the backroom to our employee bathroom, the bathroom smelled of weed and perfume so that’s just great.

The whole shift she barely spoke to me and it honestly made me feel so anxious. She ended up getting a ride from the security guard on shift, I said “hey can you text me when you get home? It’s not that I don’t trust the security guard but you never know” to which she replied with “sure.”

I never got the text and I just spent the whole night worried. My partner thinks I did the right thing by telling her no especially if that’s how her attitude is. I’m trying my best to unlearn my people pleasing habits, but I just don’t know If I’m doing the right thing.

TL/DR: my coworker has really bad mood swings and keeps asking for rides home, she asked for money and it made me really uncomfortable. Anytime I say no to her she gets moody and it’s uncomfortable to be around. I don’t want to give her rides anymore but I don’t know how to get out of it.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

BrokenPaw −  When she asks, just say “I’m sorry, I can’t.” You don’t have to explain your reasoning to her or justify it in a way that you think she will accept. You can just say no. If that causes her to get all sandy, that’s on her, not on you.

You are not required to set yourself on fire in order to keep her warm: the fact that she has a need does not make it your responsibility to *fulfill* that need. I’m trying my best to unlearn my people pleasing habits, but I just don’t know If I’m doing the right thing.

Have you ever been on a commercial flight and actually listened to the pre-flight safety speech they give? In it, they tell you that if the oxygen masks deploy, you must put on your own mask first, before helping anyone else with theirs. That’s because if you don’t, you might pass out from lack of oxygen, and then not only will you not be able to help anyone else, but someone else will have to help *you*.

Many of us have been raised with the idea that our own needs are not as important as the needs of others, and that putting our own needs first is “selfish” and therefore *wrong*.. And it just isn’t so. Put on your own mask and see that your *own* needs are fulfilled, by creating and then enforcing the boundaries that *you* need.

No-State-4297 −  Idk how many jobs you’ve had but, Your coworkers are not your friends. Life lesson #367

classicicedtea −  You did the right thing but you’ll probably have to make it clear the rides home are a thing of the past. 

bankpaper −  I might sound a lil rude here but you telling to lyk when she got home was not necessary… you’re being “nice” at your own expense. She clearly doesn’t respect you – she’s not your responsibility. It’s interfering with your emotional health and personal life. She’s exploiting you.

Saying “no” and ending people pleasing behavior takes practice OP. I understand it’s not easy. U can start now. If it helps, you need to understand that boundaries exist for your peace of mind and your safety. Do it for you.

ShelfLifeInc −  I **recently** started a new job at an adult retail store, I said “hey can you text me when you get home?”… I never got the text and **I** **just spent the whole night worried.** WHY are you so invested in someone you only recently met? Were you worrying that something bad had happened to her, or were you worried that her lack of text was a sign she was mad at you? Either way, STOP.

Nina is a user. She uses her mood swings and emotions to get what she wants out of people, whether it’s free rides, money for drugs or just attention. She’s hassling you because you’re the new girl and are clearly an easy target. I’d still like to be her friend

**So Nina arrived to work in a very rough mood, she was distant to everyone and even a little rude. Eventually she acknowledged my existence and asked for a ride home.** I explained I didn’t have my car and that my partner was picking me up. **She immediately got quiet** and just walked away. She went into our backroom and was possibly crying for 20-30 minutes.

**The whole shift she barely spoke to me** and it honestly made me feel so anxious. Why is *this* someone you want to be your friend? Seriously ask yourself that.

Also, was there evidence that Nina was actually crying? Or did she just decide to skiv off work to smoke weed, and *you* convinced yourself “Nina’s probably crying and it’s all my fault and I’m a terrible person”? Sane people do not cry because their new coworker can’t give them a ride home. Your people-pleasing anxiety is pretty extreme (I say this as a reformed people-pleaser). Have you seen a therapist about it?

Cold_Brew_Enthusiast −  It’s great that you understand you’re a people-pleaser and this causes you to have a very hard time standing up for yourself. However, you can’t just “unlearn” people pleasing habits. You need to figure out WHY you people-please. There’s usually a root cause, often trauma with a family member.

For example, did you have to act happy and give into everything your mom or dad wanted to keep the peace in your house growing up? Usually understanding the reason for your behaviors will give you the foundation for change. Meanwhile, as far as this specific problem… your co-worker is a user and she’s emotionally manipulating you with her mood swings.

You don’t owe her anything. She sees that when she gets angry and grumpy, you give in to her… so stop playing into her manipulation. Just say, “Sorry, I can’t give you a ride!” And that’s IT. No explanations are required, you don’t need to justify your choices to her.

Especially since you’ve tried very hard to be kind and look out for her (that was very nice of you to tell her to text you to make sure she was safe), and she threw it back in your face because you didn’t do what she wanted. Don’t do anything for this manipulator again.

justdrowsin −  Just gonna let you know one thing. She will never be appreciative. There is absolutely positively nothing you could possibly ever give her where she will walk away saying ““wow OP was really nice to me, I thank her.” She is resentful that you are helping her. She thinks of you negatively.

When you finally end this, she will hate you. There is nothing you can do to change this.. Just stop helping her now. The longer this goes and the more you help her, the more she will hate you when this is over.

Roadgoddess −  No is a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain to her real reasons why you can just say no I’m not available to drive you tonight and leave it at that. You need to stop this now or you are going to have a very difficult time getting out of this.

46andready −  Act like somebody with a backbone and politely tell her that you are unable to drive her home. Don’t give any explanation or apology.

jamesovertail −  Times see tough. Asks for weed money. Lol

How would you handle setting boundaries with someone who takes advantage of your kindness? Do you think the Redditor made the right choice by starting to decline rides? Share your thoughts and advice below!