My (24M) fiancé (24F) insists that we take care of her autistic younger brother. (21M) (5yrs)?

A Reddit user shared a significant conflict with their fiancé regarding her younger brother, who has low-functioning autism and requires full-time care. The fiancé insists that her brother live with them indefinitely once the user finishes medical school, alongside any future children they plan to have.

While the user cares for the brother and recognizes the family bond, they feel unprepared and unwilling to take on such a permanent caregiving role, believing that her parents are better equipped to provide the necessary support. The situation has caused repeated emotional arguments, leaving the user uncertain about how to proceed.

‘ My (24M) fiancé (24F) insists that we take care of her autistic younger brother. (21M) (5yrs)’

My fiancé and I have talked about this a few times, and it always ends with her angry and crying. I love her so much but I cannot get past this point. Here’s the issue: She has a younger brother I’ve known about since we’ve dated in college. He’s a very low functioning autistic, to the extent that he will need full-time supervision and care for the rest of his adult life.

He’s a sweetheart and a great kid, and he and my fiancé are about as close as siblings can get. We want kids, but whenever we get on the topic she brings up her brother and talks about how “you won’t even notice he’s there” and that “he can really take care of himself, he just needs some supervision is all.”

I’ve taken a lot of time to consider it, and as much as I like her brother, I’m not marrying her for her family. She wants us to take care of him alongside our children, to live with us as soon as I’m done with Med school until presumably we die. I’ve told her I love her brother, but I don’t want him to live with us and our kids, if we choose to have them.

Her parents are two wonderful people, and I feel they are much more equipped to take care of him like they have the last 21 years. My position is that he will be happier and better taken care of with his parents, and that it is their responsibility to do so. As far as I’m aware they’re planning on doing this anyway, but every time my fiancé and I have this conversation it ends with tears.

See what others had to share with OP:

starship17 −  My friend has 2 autistic siblings who require full-time care, and their parents are older. She got married a couple years ago. One thing she made clear to her husband from when they started dating was that she was going to take over caring for her siblings one day. He decided he was okay with that and married her knowing that was their plan.

This really is something that needs to be worked out before marriage though, and it’s not really an area where you two can compromise. Taking care of a disabled person is hard work, and you’ll resent her if you get forced into it, but she’ll resent you if she has to put her brother in a care home. This might be a situation where your goals are just not compatible, and it is a deal breaker.

Oldexperianced −  This is a deal breaker. The only way you can go forward with this relationship and your planned marriage is if you are 100% OK with you and your fiancé being lifetime guardians and care givers for the brother. This isn’t something that you can change her mind on without a lifetime of resentment.

Even if parents continue to care for the boy they will get too old to do so someday and this subject is certain to resurface in the future. I feel sorry for you as you have a very serious decision to make. Think of the life you want and choose wisely.

[Reddit User] −  I’m sorry to tell you, but this sounds like an incompatibility and may mean the end of your relationship…

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MLeek −  Your fiancé needs to have this conversation with her parents. She needs to know what their plans are, and what arrangements/plans are in place for her brother should her parents not be able to care for him. Depending on your relationship dynamic, perhaps you could also be part of this conversation.

It might be helpful for you to hear it directly from her parents, and not through her as a translator. But this is a conversation that needs to happen. It’s actually way overdue. She shouldn’t be feeling this pressure or framing this fantasy without a very clear conversation with her parents.

Trolltollhouse −  This is not going to change. It will just divide your relationship further. You could compromise and let him live with you but you will resent him and eventually her. You might not ever say anything but your children and the brother will pick up on it. You don’t HAVE to do anything.

[Reddit User] −  You’re free to leave if you don’t want to care for him. You might just be incompatible. Nobody is “wrong” here. She’s not wrong to want to care for him. You’re not wrong to say no. She’s either being dishonest, though, or extremely naive to claim you “won’t even notice” he’s there.

If this is what she truly wants, it just means that marriage should not be in the cards for you two. She needs to use that as a learning experience though and be clear about that from the get-go with anyone she dates in the future (not tell someone this as they plan a life together). This is something she should have told you LONG before you got engaged.

I would just tell her: “I am not equipped to care for him. This is not something I can do or want to do. If this is something you insist on doing, then I respect that but it means we won’t be together.” It’s not an ultimatum. It’s just the truth.

Green7000 −  We all have deal breakers. This is clearly one for her. Decide if this is one for you. If it is that’s fine. If you think you can live with taking care of her brother with all the money, restrictions, etc. that it will require than do that.

Don’t marry each other with both of you thinking the other person will change their mind in the future.. ​ Sometimes people love each other but they have deal breakers about money, children, religion, etc. That’s fine, so long as everyone is on the same page.

dragondude101 −  You’d seriously bet better off ending this relationship if you don’t want the brother. She’ll just resent you, and or force it upon you when her parents die. I don’t blame you either

[Reddit User] −  I’ve taken a lot of time to consider it, and as much as I like her brother, I’m not marrying her for her family. Yeah…so you may not be marrying her for her family, but her family is a part of the deal. At some point her parents will pass, and unless he dies before them, responsibility for caring for him will pass on to the two of you. That’s basically inevitable.

That she wants him to move in well before that eventuality is something that you can try and convince her is unwise and unnecessary. You’ve received some solid advice on how to approach that topic. But at some level, they’re a package deal. Her relationship with her brother will impact where you can move and a host of other decisions down the line. You need to be ok with that.