My (24F) husband (24M) got angry because I wouldn’t drive him because I wanted to go to bed early.

A Reddit user shared her frustration after declining to drive her husband to his mom’s house because she wanted to go to bed early. Despite her exhaustion and early work schedule, her husband got upset, accusing her of being entitled, and left angrily. With communication struggles and lingering resentment in their relationship, she’s now wondering how to address the issue and move forward. Read her story below and share your advice.

‘ My (24F) husband (24M) got angry because I wouldn’t drive him because I wanted to go to bed early.’

My husband and I have been together for three years. Tonight he asked me if I could drive him to his mom; he doesn’t have a driving license and it’s a bit rainy outside. He does have a bike and it takes a little less than ten minutes to bike to her house. Usually I wouldn’t mind driving him (on average I drive him somewhere a few times a month), but tonight I want to go to bed early as I’ve been away all weekend and haven’t had much sleep the past two nights. I also have to be at work at 8:30 AM tomorrow.

When I asked my husband until when he planned to stay there he said 10 or 11 PM. I plan to go to bed before 10, so I kindly declined and told him I want to go to bed early tonight, he got annoyed. He told me I never go to bed before 11 PM anyway, even when I say I will go to bed early.

I do admit that I struggle with going to bed on time, and have told him I was going to bed a couple of times but ended up staying up longer than I said I would, which annoyed him (he does have autism, which could explain this). When I told him I really would go to bed early this time, he told me he doesn’t believe me and said that I would better be in bed by the time he comes home, which sounded quite threatening to me (he has never laid a hand on me).

At this point I got really frustrated and told him I am in no way obligated to drive him and that he shouldn’t behave so entitled, to which he said I am the one behaving entitled (???). I didn’t know how to fix the situation at this point and told him to just leave. He said he was already leaving and proceeded to leave without saying another word. I am now home alone and wondering what I should say to him when he comes back home.

I just want us to resolve this situation as adults, although I do feel like he should step up and apologise. Our relationship has had some ups and downs in the past few months and that is also my fault (I struggle to communicate and can come off as passive aggressive).

I have been working on this and always apologise when my husband tells me I come off as passive aggressive, but I feel like my husband keeps holding things from the past over my head. To me that seems like he resents me. I love him but situations like this make question our relationship. What should I say when he comes home and how can we improve our relationship?

TL;DR My (24F) husband (24M) of 3 years got angry when I declined to drive him to his mom’s house (he doesn’t have a driver’s license) because I want to go to bed early. He thinks I’m not going to bed early at all. How can we resolve this situation and improve our relationship?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

AnOutrageousCloud −  Why doesn’t he drive? 

Laquila −  Since he doesn’t have a license, he can’t expect you to be his on-demand chauffeur. Especially on a work night. Why was it so important for him to go to his mother’s, that he expects you to disrupt your evening and end up going to bed later than you need? You guys don’t have much money, so making sure your source of income is prioritized is important, not visiting mommy. If it was that important, then getting a bit wet riding there on his bike is what he has to do. His response was real jerky.

wordsmythy −  What’s an example or two of you being passive aggressive? To me, holding past transgressions against you is passive aggressive. So now he’s upset with you and you’re upset, which means you probably won’t be able to go to sleep early as planned. And to him saying “you’d better be in bed when I get home” or something like that, I would say “or what?”

He asked you for a favor, and you declined, as is your right as a free human being, giving him a valid reason. He tried to invalidate that reason and pitch a hissy fit. This is not your fault. I’m curious about the incident of the past few months that have caused tension. mostly because you say it’s your fault. Sounds like you take all the blame in this relationship.

As for driving lessons, are they required to apply for a drivers license? Could someone in his family or friend (preferably not you, as teaching someone to drive might get tense) teach him?

lileina −  Why does he need to go to his mom’s house so late at night and with zero notice? Sorry I’ve just never heard of going for such a late visit, unless there’s context missing here and it was an emergency or she really needed help.

duckvimes_ −  Why doesn’t your husband have a driver’s license?

SugarGlitterkiss −  If it takes under 10 minutes, he’s not unwell, the weather doesn’t s**k, and it’s not dangerous, he can bike to visit someone. But also, if my husband rarely asks for a ride, he doesn’t have a license because *we* have decided we can’t afford it yet, I am not unwell, it’s not an unsafe drive, and I can still get a full 8 hours sleep, I’m going to drive 5 minutes each way for him.

gingerlorax −  I don’t have a license and rely on my husband to drive us where we need to go (the grocery store, etc), but if it was someplace that just I was going I would never assume, and if he didn’t feel like it I would immediately understand and find another solution. Anything else is treating your partner like your personal chauffeur and is disrespectful and taking advantage- which is what your bf is doing. Why couldn’t he ask his mom for a ride or take a taxi or uber?

anoeba −  So you’re staying up then?

PetraTheQuestioner −  I don’t drive and am autistic, and I have never felt like I was entitled to have someone drive me anywhere. If I have to rely on someone for a lift, they are doing me a favour, and I will do whatever I need to accommodate them, or I will find my own way. 

not_falling_down −  a 10 minute bike ride would be something like a five minute Uber or Lyft ride. (if those is available where you are).