My (24F) boyfriend (23M) of 1.5 year wants to move in together but I don’t. Am i being unreasonable or is this just incompatibility?
A 24-year-old Reddit user is grappling with her boyfriend’s desire to move in together, despite ongoing issues in their relationship. She has lived independently since she was 17, while her boyfriend has never left his parents’ house. Their relationship has faced challenges like lying, conflicting future goals, and financial instability.
The Redditor is hesitant to move in with him due to their rocky relationship, his financial situation, and her concerns about his lack of independence. She seeks advice on whether her reservations are unreasonable or if this highlights deeper incompatibilities. Read the full story below…
‘ My (24F) boyfriend (23M) of 1.5 year wants to move in together but I don’t. Am i being unreasonable or is this just incompatibility?’
I (24F) have been living on my own since i was 17 and my boyfriend (23M) has never moved out of his parents house. My lease with my current roommate is up in march and she is moving to a different state when it ends. I want to get another roommate, but my boyfriend is mad that i don’t want to live with him.
My relationship with my bf has been pretty rocky. We have been having problems due to his constant lying, people pleasing tendencies, and cyclical behavior or prioritizing me and putting me on the back burner. We have almost broken up several times throughout the course of our relationship, and have gone on a few breaks.
Recently, we had another fight about him lying. I won’t go into specifics, but it involves lying about where he was/people he was with. I am not controlling and have never told my boyfriend that he can’t hang out with people regardless of gender, but a recent situation has made me uncomfortable with him seeing a specific person.
When i confronted him on lying about his presence at an outing, he told me that he didn’t tell me because he thought i would be upset if he told me the truth. He finally admitted that he knew this person would be at the event and purposefully left it out because he was being selfish and didn’t want to upset me.
This lying to “keep me from getting upset” has been a big issue our whole relationship. He won’t tell me when he is upset about something or about things that he’s doing or just the way he is feeling about our relationship. I don’t know what his goals are for our relationship.
I am staunchly child free, and when i first brought it up he seemed okay with it, but then when i brought it up again at about the 1 year mark, he seemed baffled that i meant i NEVER wanted kids, even I made this very clear from the beginning of our relationship. I told him that if this is a deal breaker then he needs to let me know and we will not continue.
He told me that he eventually wants a family of sorts and having kids would be cool, and i told him that if he wants that, I’m not the one for him and gave him some time to think about what he wants. He came back to me a few weeks later saying that he now thinks he doesn’t want to have kids.
I don’t know if i believe him or if he’s just lying again to “not hurt me.” I have tried talking to him about this since, but he seems to think it’s not a big deal as that’s a “future issue” and he doesn’t know what he wants yet.
Another issue that we have had in our relationship is about personal space. I feel that i have a healthy attachment, but he is very avoidantly attached. Whenever he is stressed or o**rwhelmed or upset, he pulls back from our relationship. Sometimes i won’t see him for a week, though we still talk.
He often talks about not having any time to himself or to just be alone, and i told him how this would be an issue if we lived together, as we would not be able to afford more than one bedroom in our area with his finances. He has also several times brought up the idea of having our own rooms, which i do not want.
A room for activities, sure, but i don’t want a partner that i can’t share a bed or room with. I also don’t know what he would do when he wants to “be alone,” as that alone has meant for him to not talk to or be in the presence of at least me.
My boyfriend has never had to share a space with anyone. He has had his own room his whole life and has expressed that he doesn’t think we can fit all of our things in a one bedroom apartment.
I have told him time and time again that that is literally all we would be able to afford, but he seems to think that we can find something bigger despite not looking at the rent prices in the area at all.
I have been apartment searching and my roommate has been incredibly flexible since they would be able to afford rent on their own if i find a good priced place earlier than when our lease ends. Most 2 bedroom apartments are anywhere from 1800-2300 in our area, and it’s just not feasible even if i did take on more of the rent.
He also seems to think that if we do share a room together in a 2 bedroom apartment, that the 2nd bedroom will be exclusively his to with what he pleases. I have told him that this is unfair, as he doesn’t need an office space for work and we both have hobbies.
He doesn’t seem to understand how living with another person and sharing a space with a partner would work, and he often calls moving in together “being roommates.”
It seems silly to focus on semantics, but it rubs me the wrong way and makes me feel like he only wants to move in with me to get out of his parents house (he has expressed his unhappiness still living with his parents) rather than because he wants to live with me as his living partner.
My boyfriend is also unsure of what his next step for his career will be. He is considering going back to school and i want him to be able to focus on that rather than having to possibly pick up a second job to make ends meet.
I don’t want him to put his career to the side when he can focus on that now and put himself in a better financial position to move out with me in the future. He has told me that the money is his problem to deal with, despite me telling him exactly why it would be our problem, as we will be living together and financial instability would come between us.
So now, i am searching for a roommate. I have told him several times that i don’t think it’s a good time for us to move in together. Partly because of our relationship problems, and partly due to his financial circumstances.
Running the numbers, if we were to move out together he would be left with maybe a few hundred dollars left over after all his bills are paid. I grew up poor and saw the strain that had on my parent’s relationship. I told him that if we’re going to break up, i don’t want it to be because of money.
I also told him flat out that if i have to be the one to pay for everything (date nights, takeout, literally anything extra aside from bills) i am going to resent him. He has also never lived on his own so he has never had to budget and figure out how to live within his means. He likes to buy things and has been very impulsive in the past with purchases and activities.
Still, he says that he doesn’t understand why I’m so worried about the money, saying that it’s “His problem to figure out.” I don’t know how else to tell him that when we live together, his money problems will be my money problems. We have floated the idea in the past about moving in together but i honestly do not feel comfortable moving in with a partner unless i am able to afford the rent on my own without him.
This will be my second time moving since we began our relationship, and he confided in me that he hasn’t “forgiven” me for moving without him the first time and that our relationship isn’t progressing. I’ve tried telling him that living together doesn’t mean i will love him any more than i do now, but he is being so stubborn with this.
At the end of the day, i will be homeless if i don’t move out into a new safe situation where both parties can reliably cover all their bills. he is fortunate enough to have family to still be able to live with, but i do not.
I feel like he isn’t being fair to me and that I’m just protecting myself by having reservations about moving in together especially since our relationship has been pretty rocky. How can i explain to him better why i think it would be a bad idea without hurting him?
Despite everything we have been through, i love him and do think he has the potential to grow and mature. He has been a better partner, but i am still just not comfortable taking that leap with him yet.
I also think that living on your own or with roommates , not a partner, is something that everyone should do to understand just how much work it can be and to learn how to balance finances. Should i tell him that he needs to live on his own before we live together? I just need some ideas.
I don’t want to break up but he told me that he doesn’t know if he can wait and that he feels like our relationship isn’t moving forward without this. How can i tell him that we need to work on rebuilding trust before we take this step? Are we just incompatible or am i just being unreasonable?
These are the responses from Reddit users:
meredithst − Why are you staying with someone why lies to you all the time? Just … move on.
BreqsCousin − You don’t want to move in with him because really you want to break up with him. I came into this thread thinking that you are wise not to take on a man straight from his parents house, because he won’t know how to take care of himself, there’s no chance he’d be an equal partner in the home.
But this man is a l**r. He is bad with money. He doesn’t listen to you and believe you when you tell him what you want. You don’t want to become more enmeshed with him, you want him gone.
Sea_Marble − “My boyfriend lies.” Okay, and how is this not a dealbreaker for you?
cynzthin − You’ll be lease-trapped and unless you have an IUD possibly baby-trapped with this man. You sound too smart for that.
artnodiv − You’re not being unreasonable about not moving in together. You are being unreasonable about continuing to date someone you don’t want to be with and see no future with.
deepspacenineoneone − Just break up, why are you fighting to keep all this misery?
incognitothrowaway1A − Tell him NO. You don’t want to be his new mommy. He needs to get his own place with some guy friends and grow up Edit — be blunt and just say no. Find a new roommate and move her in.
seaforanswers − There aren’t any magic words that will make your boyfriend understand you better. You have already explained your position and concerns to him. It’s not that he’s not understanding them, it’s that he’s disregarding them. He thinks you’re wrong and he’s right. He also thinks it’s fine to fly by the seat of your pants and let future you figure things out. You, understandably, don’t agree.
Move out with a different roommate. If I were you, I would tell your boyfriend that you want to see him live on his own, without his parents, for at least a year and see how he manages before hitching your wagon to that star.
He seems to think that love can overcome all odds and is being naive about the practicalities and realities of a relationship. You are not. I would also advise you not to date someone for who they might become if and maybe. You might realise that sooner rather than later.
Bucky2015 − Hes got issues and moving in with him would be a BAD idea! Some people think things like moving in together/marriage/having kids fixes things when they totally don’t! They magnify existing problems! If this is a deal breaker for him then so be it. I think you could find a better relationship anyway.
classicicedtea − Why are you still together?
Do you think the user’s hesitation is justified given the ongoing relationship challenges and financial concerns, or is she being too cautious about taking the next step? Should her boyfriend consider living on his own before moving in together? How would you approach a similar situation with a partner? Share your thoughts in the comments below!