My [24F] best friend [27F] replaced me as godmother to her baby with no explanation. How do I talk to her about it?

A Redditor (24F) shared her heartache after her best friend (27F) unexpectedly replaced her as the godmother to her baby. Despite years of close friendship and being asked initially to take on this meaningful role, the friend chose someone else without explanation. Now, the Redditor is grappling with whether to address her feelings or let it go. Read the full story below for more:

‘ My [24F] best friend [27F] replaced me as godmother to her baby with no explanation. How do I talk to her about it?’

One of my best friends lives in a different country. We met years ago online and have talked almost daily to what is approaching a decade. We have both flown back and forth once or twice a year to see the other and hang out, and we’ve always been their for each other’s big moments.

She found out last year that she is expecting her first child, and it was amazing news for us all, I was so happy for her to start the family I know she’s always wanted with her husband [31M]. She came to visit a few months into her pregnancy and asked me to be the baby’s godmother – I was over the moon.

While we live an 8 hour plane ride from each other, I do have a job that gives me decent vacation allowance and deals with certain airlines that makes visiting manageable. I knew that I could be there for her, and told her that whenever she was ready for someone outside of the family to be there, I would make the trip.

Last month, she had her baby shower, and I only found out when I saw on Instagram a mutual friend [28F] who lives in the same city as me, had surprised her at the shower. I hadn’t been invited. I was a little hurt, and surprised, but it was the busiest month of the year for the company I work for, and I knew she knew that, so I figured that could be the reason, sent my gift by airmail and said congratulations.

However now she’s reached out to me, and told me that she has asked another friend (the same person who went to the baby shower) to be the baby’s godmother, and that she only wants her child to have one. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.

I was heartbroken, and felt a bit betrayed, for 6 months I have been excited to take on the role – my own godmother lives in New Zealand, and has done for most of my life, so I knew it could work.m, knew how to stay in contact and be a part of the child’s life while living in another country. But now she’s taken back her offer, and chosen someone else.

I wouldn’t be so upset if she had chosen someone who lived closer, but she has replaced me with someone who lives in the same city as me, so it’s not a distance thing. We have been friends for years, I have been there with updates, support and love her whole pregnancy, and at no point was there any clue she had changed her mind… until the baby shower a few weeks ago.

I don’t know if I should confront her, tell her I’m hurt, or just accept her decision, it’s her baby, and I would never want to force her into a decision she wasn’t happy with. I just don’t know what to do or say to her now. I want to let her know I’m sad that I’m missing out, but I don’t want to sound like I’m whining, and I want to know why she changed her mind, but I’m scared the answer will just upset me. What should I do?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

[Reddit User] −  I’d reach out and mention that you didn’t receive an invitation to the baby shower. She may have thought you were invited and ignored the invitation.

[Reddit User] −  Are you sure you weren’t invited to the baby shower? If invitations went out through mail then it could have gotten lost somehow. I’m wondering if she took your not being at the baby shower as a sign that you either weren’t interested or wouldn’t be able to keep up with the commitment.

EarlGreyhair −  Just to be clear, is she actually going to baptise her child? I know a lot of people who intend to raise their kids in a secular manner still nominate people to be godparents as a means of connecting them to their child. If she is intending to baptise her child in an actual church, could it be that she changed her mind because the friend is more involved in the intended church than you?

Emeryl1391 −  I see nothing wrong in asking her why she changed her mind. If you don’t know how to approach the topic, you can always start with asking whether you have inadvertently done something that has led her to change the decision.

It seems absurd, but apologising in case I had done something wrong before asking for clarifications on a relationship has often helped me to set a softer tone to the whole thing. As in “I’m not demanding an explanation, but I want to know if I hurt you because I care”.

Also, I’ve seen some comments on here saying to let it be because she’s pregnant. Acknowledged that I don’t know anything about pregnancies and that the best I can do is empathising with how stressful they must be, I call b**lshit on that one. A person being pregnant doesn’t entitle them to act in a way that hurts others, nor keeps them from being good human beings. You two are friends.

Here there’s something going on that needs clarification, if just for the sake of understanding which type of friendship yours is. You’ve every right to politely ask her what’s up. It’s not like you’re going to insult her and her whole family. So as worthless as my two cents are, don’t normalise the “oh she’s pregnant, it’s understandable” as an excuse for behaviours you find hurtful and don’t understand.

You’re hurt by her behaviour now, and there are two possibilities: either she wanted to hurt you, or she didn’t want to. If she wanted to, you’ll notice by how she replies. If she didn’t want to, you bet she will be willing to talk to you about this and explain her reasoning.

imaguestage −  So, from the post and your comments I think I know what might be going on here. You both have really bad communication. I’m seeing nowhere in the OP or the comments that you actually talked about what went down with the shower. You say her mother was making the preparations for the shower and was being vague about the timing of it.

You should have been like “Nancy, I need exact dates to book off.” or you could have called your best friend and been like “Hey, when is your shower exactly, your mom isn’t being specific.” because you knew the shower was coming up.

I think your biggest problem here is you are very passive. It’s been a month and as far as I can tell from what you’ve said, you still haven’t said to your best friend/mother of child you want to be godmother to “Hey, what the heck happened to my invite to your baby shower? Was it lost in the mail? Did you just not want me there? What’s going on?”

It’s also the same thing with her changing up the godmother. She tells you that she’s giving the job to the other woman and you didn’t go “Why? Is there something I’ve done, Best Friend? Are we okay?” Here’s how I see what you Best Friend is thinking, provided your best friend isn’t pulling some sort of m**ipulative freeze out on you and she doesn’t know her mother didn’t send you an invitation:

She is pregnant and her best friend didn’t come to her shower and didn’t tell her personally why she wouldn’t be attending her shower. All she did was airmail a gift and say congratulations. This is the woman I asked to be my child’s godmother but she doesn’t seem to have that much interest if she couldn’t even tell me that she wasn’t coming to my shower.

Then we have Other Friend who is from the same city and she put in the effort to come to my party. That’s amazing…hmm…maybe she would be a better godmother since she seems to be actually interested. So I think the first thing you do when you talk to your friend would be to explain why you didn’t attend the shower and perhaps apologize for waiting a month to explain your absence.

Then you can discuss the godmother issue but I have a feeling that once you explain why you were a no show at the shower and why you never explained to her earlier why you were a no show, the godmother stuff might resolve itself.

Skippylu −  Last month, she had her baby shower, and I only found out when I saw on Instagram a mutual friend \[28F\] who lives in the same city as me, had surprised her at the shower. I hadn’t been invited. Just you ask her about this?. ​

moosetopenguin −  I would definitely feel hurt as well and cannot blame you for being upset. First, I would ask about the baby shower and mention that you did not receive an invite. Her response will be telling because if it was an honest mistake and you were supposed to receive an invite,

her reaction will tell you because then, it is possible, that she was hurt you did not come and chose your other friend. I’m curious, though, how did she react when she received your gift? Did she say anything about being sorry you missed her shower or she wished you were there?

spookyxskepticism −  Yes, this is your friend’s child and of course your friend and her husband get to decide who the godparents will be. That said, she also needs to understand that when she didn’t invite you to the baby shower and backpedaled on making you godmother, there are social consequences to that. It’s just really mean behavior and if she values your friendship, I think she owes you an explanation.

virtualsmilingbikes −  My feeling is that you must have done something, or at least be perceived to have done something. Not responding to an invitation to the baby shower would be the most obvious I guess, and I think you should ask because if you were deliberately not invited you probably aren’t friends anymore.

You have to know in order to get past this, but that means accepting the possibility that you won’t like the answer. Are you close to her mother? Could you maybe ask her if you’ve done something to cause a rift? Say that you were surprised to find out about the baby shower after the event,

and even more surprised that you were no longer considered godparent material, and are imagining all manner of ridiculous things and you’d like the truth so you can come to terms with it. You are allowed to feel hurt, because this is a hurtful situation, but it may be the result of a misunderstanding.

Samara1010 −  Yikes. It seems like such a s**tty thing to ask, “Will you be the godmother” and then later say “Never mind, we got someone else.”

This situation underscores the complexities of friendship and unmet expectations. How should she navigate this conversation with her friend to express her feelings while respecting the friend’s decision? Share your thoughts below.