My [24] boyfriend [25] of 3 and 1/2 years hasn’t proposed and I’m starting to worry. I just want that promise.

A 24-year-old woman is feeling uncertain and frustrated because her boyfriend of 3.5 years hasn’t proposed, despite their shared plans for the future. Though they’ve discussed marriage and both want to marry eventually, he keeps postponing the proposal due to financial concerns.

She feels hurt, especially as she sees other couples getting engaged and married, and worries about her future, including the desire to have children and the possibility of her parents not getting to experience these milestones. She seeks advice on whether her desire for an engagement ring is unreasonable or if her feelings are justified.

 

‘ My [24] boyfriend [25] of 3 and 1/2 years hasn’t proposed and I’m starting to worry. I just want that promise.’

TL;DR My boyfriend of three and a half years has not proposed yet and I’m starting to worry. He promised me that we would get engaged, just not now due to funds. But I know he has enough money. And it keeps getting pushed back. I just want to know we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together.

So I have been dating my boyfriend of 3 years. We moved in with each other over two years ago. Everything has been going great. We work well together, we’re best friends. We’ve built each other into better people. He told me after one month of dating that he wanted to introduce me to his parents.

This was a big deal because he’s never introduced a girlfriend to his family. Now I’m close with his family as well. I love his family and they love me. My boyfriend said he knew we had a future from the first day we met. So here comes the part that upsets me.

My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage for years. We both agree we want to marry each other. But he still hasn’t proposed. I brought up the issue and he said that we should get married when I graduate college. But I want to at least be engaged. I feel like being engaged is a promise to get married.

So it hurts when I see friends and couples getting married and engaged after not dating for very long. I know it shouldn’t have make me jealous but it does. I just want that promise. I brought up my views on engagement, that we’re not getting married this instance, but that I want that promise.

He told me he promised we’d get married but financially it’s not a good idea at the moment. My boyfriend has already graduated and has had his career with a pretty decent salary for over a year. He said he couldn’t afford a ring now. I’ve been talking to him for months about this and he brings up the money issue.

But I’m pretty sure he can afford a ring. He knows I like simple jewelry. My boyfriend however does pay most bills and our rent for our apartment. I contribute little because I am a full time student with a part time job. I’m just so in love with him and I know he feels the same.

He always showers me with love, little gifts like candy, takes care of me and contributes so much to the relationship. He said that I don’t need a ring right at the moment to know we’d be together forever. He knows I’m jealous of seeing ally friends get married and engaged and he doesn’t like that.

He tells me not to compare our relationship with others. He says that he knows us and he knows we’ll get married. Am I being ridiculous for wanting a ring to absolutely know he’s 100% committed to me and to get married? It just feels like there’s no right time to him. I graduate this coming summer.

I want kids and I want my kids to have grandparents. I never met my grandparents because my parents had me so late. I want so very much for my mom and dad to be grandparents. Since my parents are getting older I feel like they may never have the chance to meet my kids.

I’m also scared that I’ll have difficulties having kids like my mom. I’m even more afraid because I had cervical cancer. My GYN told me after my surgery that I have a high risk of having a premature baby. This all goes deeper than just me being jealous of friends.

And I know I shouldn’t revolve me having kids around my parents but I want to. I am turning 25 this year (I know that’s still young), but my parents are getting up there. I want them to see my wedding. I want to share that experience too. I also just want that tangible promise of a ring.

I’ve gotten hit on by guys and when I explain I have a boyfriend they simply brush it off. But when I see my friends with an engagement ring, people don’t bother. And I was even told that since we’re just boyfriend and girlfriend doesn’t mean much.

To me it means a lot and that’s what my boyfriend keeps telling me. But there’s that lingering feeling of, really? Are you promising your life with me? I’m not sure how to brush off the feeling of why we’re not getting engaged. We don’t have to get married now…I just don’t see why we can’t be engaged.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  He lives with you. He’s told you he’s happy with you. He’s faithful, and is working so the both of you can have a future together. He encourages your goals and he gets along with your family. Other than showing it off to people who you aren’t in a relationship with, what is a ring going to do?

ceasecows208 −  Look at this from your bf’s perspective. He’s promised to marry you, your lives are entwined, you are a part of his family. He wants to wait until finances are better (he’s been gainfully employed for only a year) to propose.

Maybe he wants to be sure he’ll be able to get you the ring and wedding of your dreams. Yet you’re sulking. You are jealous of your friends and want to show off a fancy ring to them all, and to guys who hit on you. Do you even love HIM, or are you just angling for a ring, any ring from any guy?

And you aren’t even done with school yet. You don’t contribute financially to the partnership with him. Maybe he wonders if you’ll even want to get a job and contribute at all, since you are so eager to get married and have babies right away. Can you not see how this might appear to him??

You need to seriously slow your damn roll. You are 24. You are nowhere near being unable to have children (what if you’re infertile, and you rush this marriage for no reason?). You are nowhere near an old maid.

Your parents, unless they had you in their 40s or are in terrible health, are nowhere near never seeing their grandkids (and they can get hit by a bus any day, that’s no way to make life decisions).

You have a man who loves and is committed to you, despite your anxious, jealous whining for an engagement he’s already promised you is coming. You are going to f**k this up if you don’t get your head straight.

buckeyegal923 −  Take a deep breath and calm down. Your boyfriend supports you financially right now. That’s a pretty big commitment to someone. But, I guess it doesn’t mean anything to you because it’s not sparkly and shiny.

He’s already given you the timeline of “after you graduate” to get married and you originally agreed that would be acceptable. That’s coming up soon. But now it’s no longer acceptable to you – you are the one trying to change the previously agreed-upon arrangement.

Your options here are to wait until the time you two have already agreed upon, continue badgering him and see how well that goes for you, or move on because you absolutely can’t wait a second longer.

methuser69 −  It’s weird to me that an engagement ring would mean something that him saying the words “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” does not. Like, if I said that, it *would* mean I was 100% committed and if my partner didn’t trust me enough to believe me 100%, I’d consider it a serious problem.

Waiting until you both are actually living adult lives and working before doing adult things like getting engaged seems quite reasonable to me, even if you have friends who aren’t so reasonable.

It sounds like you care a lot about what other people think and you’re letting it affect you negatively, you have to figure out a way to curb that because it should not affect you nor your relationship, it hardly has any effect on you at all.

falcothebird −  If you love him and he loves you like you say, there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. In reality, a ring, an engagement, a marriage… They’re all things that don’t actually mean anything real. The love can be real, and it’s the most important thing here.

People commonly get married or engaged sometimes without true love for their partner. People have been conditioned to think this is the proper and only way to show love for someone, but it’s all made up, regardless of how long the institution of marriage has existed for.

Maybe it’s not the top of his priorities right now. Maybe he doesn’t see it as the one true way to promise to spend his life with you, but absolutely has the intent to. I don’t think you’re being ridiculous for wanting these things, but I think you’re putting too much stock in the importance of them.

Just talk to him about your concerns, maybe you’ll find out that he’s on the cusp of selecting a ring, or maybe you’ll find out something different. Just don’t focus on the fact that you need a ring, or that he has enough money to buy a ring or to afford a wedding. That all comes off as very petty (to me).

beentheredonethatx2 −  You need to remember that your time table is not his time table. 3 years is not a lot of time, especially since you haven’t settled into the ‘adult’ routine yet (having been in school for the entirety of the relationship). You are justified having your feelings but a constant pushing here could certainly be detrimental to the relationship.

methuser69 −  The kids thing is separate – do you think you should wait for engagement to talk about when you want kids? Is he on board with your timeline for that? If you haven’t asked, that’s a pretty good reason not to get engaged – you don’t even know if he wants kids when you do.

If you have and discussed it, what does the relative time when you get married have to do with it? Kids are a much bigger commitment than marriage so agreeing on that should feel like a similar commitment.

SugarKyle −  The ring doesn’t mean anything. If the commitment is there it is there. If it is not there, no amount of rigs or even signed documents will make it happen. Your boyfriend sounds utterly committed to you.

GL4389 −  Am I being ridiculous for wanting a ring to absolutely know he’s 100% committed to me and to get married? You are fantasizing too much about the ring. There are plenty of people who give rings to their partners, get married & still cheat. So, you cannot measure his commitment based on a ring.

You shoud rather look at the contribution he is making to your life, your career, & overall relationship. You haven’t mentioned your background/culture but your view of a relationship seems conservative.

You want your bf to propose so that you 2 can marry & then have children; who shoud be able to play with their grandparents & so on. There is nothing wrong with that. Except you cannot force it on your partner.

Your partner’s view of your relationship is seems to be more modern/practical. He wants you to graduate before you settle down. He may want to be financially more stable or in at a good position career wise as well before starting a family.

Now, you can mess up this relationship for a ring or You can look at the bigger picture & be happy that you have found a man who loves you so much & trust him for the future.