My (23F) boyfriend’s (23M) lack of self confidence might be affecting my attraction to him… help
A woman reflects on her relationship with her boyfriend of six months and the impact of his low self-confidence on their dynamic. While she acknowledges his emotional intelligence and talents.
His frequent self-doubt and dismissiveness of her compliments are starting to affect her attraction. She wonders how to help him improve without letting it impact her feelings for him. Read her story below.
‘ My (23F) boyfriend’s (23M) lack of self confidence might be affecting my attraction to him… help’
My boyfriend’s self confidence is legitimately lower than the depths of the earth. We’ve been together for a little over six months and I’m noticing that it’s having an affect on my attraction to him. He is an extremely smart person, very talented in his hobbies and professional pursuits, and emotionally intelligent.
However, he gets in a depressed mood once or twice a week, always feeling like he’s not good enough. I used to fill him up with compliments, to which he’d just deny them, so I stopped doing that and just now resort to the “I’m sorry, do you need anything?”
If I call him handsome, he says “no I’m not” if I call him sexy, he says “no I’m not/I’m fat” if I call him smart or talented, it’s always about him not being good enough “yet” …. As you can see it’s definitely a mood k**ler.
I know we all get down in the dumps sometimes and that’s ok, but the frequency of it is, selfishly, starting to really annoy me. I have directly told him that he needs to work on his self confidence, but I don’t see an improvement.
I know he is diagnosed depressive and I know it’s a disease. How should I go about this? I don’t want my feelings to get worse to a point of no return. I do see a future with him.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
TheLiquidStranger − Next time you call him sexy do it while you climb on his lap as he sits on the couch or something. Actions speak louder than words and showing him your intention is maybe wanting a piece could jostle his confidence in that moment.
L0veConnects − These are his core beliefs. When you compliment him, it goes against everything he feels about himself. This is deeply rooted and he needs compassion – not annoyance. It isnt your job to fix this in him either. We don’t know what we don’t know, and he doesn’t know why he feels this way.
Yet. Encourage him to seek counselling from a therapist that understands adverse childhood experiences (this is where our core beliefs come from). You cant order or shame someone into loving themselves.
That method will always implode because the brain doesnt work like that. He doesn’t believe he deserves you, so his brain will do things to make that apparent. Its not our job to fix or push, as partners, its our job to love and support and if you cant do that, leave him alone.
LON13_ − That’s completely understandable, it’s hard to be around someone who tends to bring the mood down to miserable, let alone sleeping with that someone. So the I’m not good enough… yet, is a trap that a lot of people (especially those with depression) fall into.
I fell into it very bad during a depressive time in my life and it stopped me from trying to accomplish normal life milestones or just generally living my life because I wasn’t good enough yet or I didn’t deserve it.
It’s a load of bull that your brain lies to you about when your depressed. (And unfortunately society has a tendency to reinforce that toxic message.)
I would suggest not only giving him a lot of compliments but also pushing back hard on any negative self talk he gives you when you compliment him. As in “Hey!! that’s my man your talking about! You better apologise to him right now!” or “Excuse you?
I think I know what I find sexy… And it’s you. You shy sexy devil.” Depression is so full of negative self talk that a bit of aggressive positivity can sometimes help. Your boyfriend also needs to manage his depression so that it doesn’t eat him alive. He really should see a therapist or go to a doctor.
However, if that’s not possible there are a lot of good books out there that could possibly help him get out of the depressive fog. “Laziness Does Not Exist” by Devon Price is a great book that helped me through a dark time.
Lastly all you can do is be supportive and try your best. If after a while you find he hasn’t done anything to manage his condition you should reevaluate the relationship. As the saying goes you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. Good luck.
It’s tough to witness someone you care about struggle with low self-esteem, especially when it starts to affect your relationship. How can she help her boyfriend build his self-worth while also preserving her own emotional connection? Have you experienced something similar? Share your thoughts in the comments below!