My (23F) boyfriend (30M) is upset with me for acting too masculine and told me to fix it or we can break up?

A Reddit user is grappling with a difficult conversation with her boyfriend, who expressed dissatisfaction with her behavior and personality. He feels that her friends are influencing her to act more “masculine” and is critical of her sense of humor, boldness, and assertiveness. He wants her to be more “dainty” and feminine, even going as far as questioning the relationship.

The user feels conflicted, torn between wanting to keep the relationship strong while staying true to herself. She is unsure whether she should change certain aspects of her behavior for the relationship or continue being herself. To hear more about her struggle and the feedback from others, read the full story below…

‘ My (23F) boyfriend (30M) is upset with me for acting too masculine and told me to fix it or we can break up?’

My boyfriend and I had a serious conversation today, and honestly, it left me feeling awful about myself. He told me that my friends are having a bad influence on me and making me act too masculine. He said that I tell inappropriate jokes that make me seem less dainty or feminine. He criticized the way I speak up and take control in situations, saying that I should just leave it to him to handle.

He even went so far as to say I don’t act like a princess, which is what he wants from me. He’s concerned that I’ve changed and that I’ve become “manly” in both my jokes and my mannerisms, and it’s making him question the entire relationship. He actually said, “We don’t have to be together.

We don’t need to force this.” Those words stung, and I felt a mix of sadness and confusion. I love him, and I want to be with him, but at the same time, I just feel like I’m being myself. I don’t want to feel like I have to perform or change who I am just to meet his expectations.

On the flip side, maybe there is some truth to what he’s saying. I can see how my lewd jokes and boldness could be too much for him, and maybe I could adjust certain things for the sake of our relationship. But the thought of changing so much to fit his idea of who I should be feels wrong. I want to be loved for who I truly am, not for some version of myself I’m trying to mold to fit his desires.

I’m torn. I want to make things work, but I also don’t want to lose the essence of who I am in the process. Should I try to change and see if that helps, or do I stand firm and keep being myself, regardless of his expectations? It’s just really hard to navigate these conflicting feelings right now.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

BowlOfFigs −  He can’t break up with you if you break up with him first. He’s controlling and doesn’t like you. Take a step back and ask yourself why you’re so attached to him.

Fjordgard −  Leave him. Not just are you not compatible, but he is someone who wants you to be “lesser” than him. He doesn’t want a partner – he wants an obedient follower who lets him make the decisions.. This man is not a good man.

EPH613 −  Never change who you are for a man. It’s unsustainable and unhealthy. Better to find a man who loves the real you. You’re worth that.

Thowaway-ending −  My advice would be to paraphrase this into one sentence. “My boyfriend told me that he isn’t in love with who I actually am as a person and wants me to pretend to be someone else to remain in a relationship with him.” You two aren’t compatible and him asking to mask who you are instead of just saying you aren’t compatible is asinine. I’m sorry your relationship just  ended. 

itsme_ashley_ −  Ew girl. I had a boyfriend like this who said my friends were bad influences too, he ended up isolating me from everyone. I know a lot of people are quick to say “leave him” here, but seriously, leave him. **and just an edit to back up my statement of “please leave him”,

I got out of that bad relationship at 18 and 1 year later got into my happy ending with my lover of 8 years who never judges me for who I am. So no, it’s not the end of the world and yes you would be able to find love again.

DetectiveSudden281 −  Age Gap Warning: Not all age gap relationships are inherently exploitative and icky. A grown ass man telling a young woman she needs to be “dainty” or he’s walking screams he’s dating 23 but wishes she was 16.

MbMinx −  S**ew him. Take him up on the break-up. You can find someone who loves your authentic self, and you will be much happier. And there are plenty of guys who aren’t hung up on “femininity”. I’m pretty “masculine” in some ways, and I have never lacked for male companionship. Some men definitely appreciate a woman who’s not a “girly” girl. This guy is not the only one out there. You deserve better.

CuriousPenguinSocks −  He said I don’t act like a princess which he wants me act like. I mean, Princess Leia took charge on the Death Star and rescued herself, Han and Luke. So, taking charge is what a Princess does. Never, ever, ever dull your shine for someone else. Especially a man’s ego. You love him but he doesn’t love you the way you deserve.

He wants you to perform for him, he doesn’t care who you are, but only who you are to him. That’s not what love is at all. That’s control and not a good look. I know it feels a lot now but trust me, breaking up will do your future self so much good.

I dulled my shine for a guy and I regret it every day. It has taken me a very long time to get back to a person I love and want to be. Now I’m married to someone who loves me for me, who has been there for me through a lot of really heavy things. He is a partner and treats me the same. He respects me and that makes me feel so loved.

DrHugh −  He wants you to act like a princess, be dainty, and leave things to him? If you aren’t like that, then you should breakup and give him the opportunity to find someone who acts the way he likes. You are you. You sound fine to me. He is trying to change you to do what he wants; don’t fall for that. Sacrificing yourself for a romance isn’t worthwhile.

Quiet-Hamster6509 −  He wants you to be the meek little woman who is always quiet and let’s him make the decisions. He’s an insecure little man with that “aLpHa” mindset.