My (23F) boyfriend (25M) and his family are angry because I wouldn’t shave my head for his sister who has cancer.

A young woman shared her dilemma after refusing to shave her head in solidarity with her boyfriend’s sister, who is battling cancer. As a professional model, her long auburn hair is essential to her career, and she explained that shaving it would jeopardize her livelihood.

Despite offering alternative ways to show support, her boyfriend and his family accused her of being vain and selfish. Now, her relationship is strained as her boyfriend questions their future together. To explore the complexities of this situation and its emotional fallout, read the full story below…

‘ My (23F) boyfriend (25M) and his family are angry because I wouldn’t shave my head for his sister who has cancer.’

I’ve been with Matthew for 3 years now, and we have a perfect relationship. I know everyone says that, but it really is true. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I’ve only met his family a few times because they live pretty far away and my boyfriend had a huge falling out with his father a couple of years ago.

They’ve since patched things up, but it’s still not the same as it was. Matthew is not particularly close to his sister because she’s 12 years younger than him and he doesn’t see her that often. Of course he still loves and adores her, but they’re not a very close family.

Jessica has cancer and as a result has lost all of her hair. Matthew was devastated, obviously, and has been going to visit her more often. I have only seen her a few times since, because of work commitments. I have been down twice alone (without Matthew) to visit her in hospital.

She’s a lovely young girl and I’m devastated for her and their family. Jessica is home at the moment and Matthew’s mum called last Friday and asked if we could go over there. Upon arrival Matthew’s mum whipped out a pair of scissors and shavers and said that the whole family was shaving their heads for Jessica.

My job is modelling. I have very thick, natural auburn hair that reaches my waist. It’s one of the reasons that I’m fairly successful. It’s one of the reasons I can afford to pay the bills. I couldn’t model without my hair. So I respectfully and politely declined, telling them that it would be detrimental to my career.

I don’t have two jobs, I don’t have a back-up, this is my job. It’s my money maker. If I couldn’t model, I don’t know what I would do. Matthew immediately got angry, insisting that this is more important, and while I agree that sentimentally and emotionally this is far more important, I cannot afford to lose my hair.

I have to think logically about this otherwise I won’t have a roof over my head. Matthew’s mum was very upset, and proceeded to tell Jessica that I wouldn’t shave my hair because I am vain. I apologised to Jessica and explained my reasoning, and I went home.

I have barely spoken to Matthew since it happened as he says he ‘needs space to consider if he wants to be in this relationship.’ I told him that I would do anything other than shave my head.

I’ll do a charity run, I’ll raise tons of money, whatever I can possibly do, instead of shaving my head, but he won’t listen. All he says is ‘how can you put your looks and vanity over my cancer ridden sister’.. Did I do the wrong thing?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

_slagathor_ −  …What is wrong with these people? All he says is ‘how can you put your looks and vanity over my cancer ridden sister’ No. You are putting your career first.

Moreover, how dare he use his kid sisters trauma as a way to guilt trip you. You sound incredibly supportive of this little girl already- not everyone would go see her in the hospital without their SO.

Helenarth −  I think something that needs to be said here is that even if your job didn’t depend on your hair – is that it’s still *your hair* and it’s completely understandable that you don’t want to shave it, for any reason.

Yeah, shaving your head is a nice gesture, but there are plenty of other ways to be supportive without making a massive change to your personal appearance that will take years and years to reverse, as your hair is so long.

It’s not vain to be happy with the way you look and not to want to change it… Especially when the reason for changing it is “emotional support”, which can be achieved in many other ways.

zenlittleplatypus −  A person can be supportive in more ways than just shaving their head. If they’re truly angry simply because you wouldn’t do this, they’re in the wrong.

craaackle −  You don’t sound horrible from the title. You sound like a woman who knows her boundaries. I would take a long, hard look at his family. From my own experience with an a**sive family I’m seeing several red flags:

Upon arrival Matthew’s mum whipped out a pair of scissors and shavers and said that the whole family was shaving their heads for Jessica. You’re not your own person to them. If they saw you as your own person, they would’ve made it clear on the phone and asked if you wanted to join in.. My job is modelling.

They don’t care what you do and how you make your way through life. Matthew immediately got angry, insisting that this is more important, and while I agree that sentimentally and emotionally this is far more important No, this is not more important in ANY WAY. I bet you it wasn’t even his sister’s idea.

This is just an attention grab likely spurred by the parents. proceeded to tell Jessica that I wouldn’t shave my hair because I am vain. Guilting and shaming you into doing something you don’t/can’t/shouldn’t want to do.

This is likely not the first time any of these issues have come. I would honestly dip before the red flags started getting redder and more a**sive. ETA: With your boyfriend’s reaction I would bet $100 that they’ve been trying to poison him towards you and this was a test that you “failed”.

myexpertthrowaway −  F**k this entire family. Your BF is a tool.

autumnx −  Shaving your head for someone who has cancer is a personal decision. Honestly, I would only do it if my daughter had cancer and it would make her feel more confident. Your SO is allowed to request space and feel however it is he wants, but don’t feel bad for one second.

I think your SO and his family are *really* being out of line. Just remember that they are going through a lot of emotions with this cancer diagnosis and hopefully it’s just a matter of not being able to think straight. Otherwise, I would not want to ever be apart of this family. This should not be a demand.

[Reddit User] −  That doesn’t sound awful – it sounds reasonable and normal. I totally disagree that “sentimentally and emotionally this is far more important” than your job. Shaving your head is a sign of solidarity, but it will do absolutely nothing to change the outcome for his sister so it makes no sense at all to give up your livelihood for it.

It’s not like Matthew’s family is going to step in and financially support you until you can work again. I think you also should recognize that no reasonable person would expect you to have a role in this struggle. You’re the brother’s girlfriend of 3 years – not part of the family, and not morally obligated to be involved at all.

(Even if you were married into the family it wouldn’t make you obligated to make major sacrifices for his sister.) I’m sure you’d find that if you had cancer and wanted the sister to shave her head, Matthew and his family would have no problem appreciating that they are not obligated to help you.

Don’t even consider doing this OP, and beware of Matthew and his family – normal people don’t think like this.

Danielle_Spring −  It sounds like they didn’t understand the full consequences for your career. Did you make this clear? Maybe try to point out how important this is for you to be successful. Personally I believe it should also be acceptable to not shave your head because you just don’t want to.

It should be a personal decision and I doubt it would make the sister feel better if she would know you got pressured into it.

flyjash −  This is unmeasurably m**ipulative by your boyfriend and his family, personally I would be outraged that they’d try and guilt you like that.. On a side note, If I couldn’t model, I don’t know what I would do. you made a point that you’ve got no back up to your modelling work, this is worrying.

I don’t want to be a pessimist but everybody needs a back up plan, especially in fields as competitive as modelling. You could be out of work in a few years, it’s probably best for you to get a back up plan or a side job going to fall back on for the later years of your life.