My (23f) boyfriend (24m) wants to move in with me. I want him to live alone first.
A Redditor (23F) is in a relationship with her boyfriend (24M), who has lived with his parents all his life. His mother takes care of all the household chores, and he has no life skills, including not knowing how to cook or do basic tasks like frying an egg.
When he suggested moving in together, she hesitated, stating that he should first live alone and learn to take care of himself before they move forward. This led to a huge argument, with him feeling insulted and their friends siding with him.
She loves him but does not want to do all the chores herself, and is wondering if there’s a compromise to resolve the situation. Read the original story below.
‘ My (23f) boyfriend (24m) wants to move in with me. I want him to live alone first.’
My boyfriend and I have been together 10 months. He lives with his parents (50s M+F) and younger brothers (10, 16, 18), no sisters. Before current events he was over my place basically every night. A couple nights ago he said that he wants to move in with me, if I’m up for it.
I’ve been to his place more than once, and I’ve seen how their dynamic works. His mother does everything for all 5 men in that house. Cooking, cleaning, the works. Basically all they have to do is put their laundry away after she washes/dries/irons/folds it.
The reason the parents aren’t forcing them to contribute is that this was the parent’s agreement. He works, she’s a stay at home, so she raises the kids/runs the household and he pays for everything, with one of the clauses being that as she’s doing everything there’s no need to involve the boys.
As a result, my boyfriend cannot do anything. I don’t know how much of this is actual cluelessness and how much is him trying to get out of stuff, but he has told me, completely sincere (and I checked this with his mother), that he can’t even fry an egg.
Which is why, when my boyfriend suggested moving in together, I said I wanted him to live alone first. His plan was basically to go straight from his mother’s house to my flat. I told him my hesitation, which is that he can’t do chores. He then offered to pay more rent (75%) in exchange for me doing all the chores. I said no.
I don’t want to be his mother, or his maid, I want to be his girlfriend. Then I told him I wanted him to live alone. Go from his mothers house to his own place, figure out how to do all the things he’s never done for himself, learn some basic life skills, and then revisit us living together.
This has caused a HUGE argument, biggest we’ve ever had. He’s taken me saying he has no life skills as an insult, which it kind of was to be fair, and has basically said that clearly I don’t want to live with him at all as I’ve pushed the moving in time back and have only said we’d “revisit” after a few months of him living alone,
and I did say “revisit” because I wanted to make sure he actually knew what he was doing and wouldn’t immediately switch back to offering more rent for no chores. This was all a couple nights ago and he’s just stopped talking to me.
He’s at his mum’s, he’s online, he’s talking to mutual friends who have said he is responding, he just won’t answer any of my calls/texts. He’s told our friends what happened and they’re all on his side, saying I was really mean/cruel.
I love him, and I do want to live with him eventually, I just don’t want to live with him if I’m doing everything, and the one thing I don’t want is him paying extra for me to do all the housework. Is there some sort of compromise, or some option I’m not seeing? What can I do to fix this?
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
gangster-napper − You don’t need to fix anything. Your boyfriend needs to learn to take care of himself, not just expect you to be Mommy With Benefits. If he’s insulted that you said he had no life skills, he should go get some. How is he not wildly embarrassed to be 24 and not do his own laundry, anyway?
Scary_Omelette − It’s only been 10 months. I’ve had a water bottle in my room longer than that
RhoBautRawk − OP I have made this mistake twice in my life so far: Do NOT move in with a partner just because it’s convenient. I’ve done that twice and came to realize eventually I’m not actually in love with them. You move in with someone when you’re absolutely sure you love them.
When you know everything about them. When you have good communication. If you move in with a partner because it’s convenient, especially when you’re young, you can feel trapped if the relationship starts to end. You’re locked in a lease, stuck sharing a bed with someone you might not like/love, you grow to resent them.
Or maybe you do actually love them, I can’t speak for you two, but I definitely wouldn’t be able to even respect someone that couldn’t do their own damn laundry.
Another reason not to move in with your bf is yes he definitely needs to grow the f**k up. He needs to learn life skills like you said, AND the fact he blew up on you for pointing that out shows he needs to mature a ton before he moves in with a girlfriend.
es20490446e − How could I say this? Frying an egg and putting the clothing inside the washing machine, not rocket science.
asaiiusa − You are too old to be dealing with this. If he can’t have a grown up conversation and take criticism what’s the point. He ran to friends and family instead of talking to you. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.
This means if you leave for a week for something important or even some alone time a vacation whatever he would have to go back to his parents house because he doesn’t know how to be an adult.
So if you have kids with this guy and you want to have a weekend with your friends you can’t. Nope nope nope, it’s either he learns and grows up or he can stay a child with his parents.
everynameistaken000 − He’s a child. He’s sulking. You are absolutely right you know, he’d have been useless and him sulking shows it.
My advice is stop trying to get in touch with him. Even his friends calling you mean is childish.
When I was a kid, my mum was ‘mean’ when she made me clean my room / wouldn’t let me have cake for breakfast / made me do my homework.
laarg − No one ever showed me how to fix a toilet but mine broke during a pandemic so I f**king YouTubed that s**t.
Cryptosmith70 − I just read the whole thing lol. He’s a chip off the old block. You stand your ground. Good for you. There’s no argument here. If he can’t accept the olive branch you’re offering then d**p him. The fact is even if after living alone for some time does not guarantee he’ll be any different. He’s had 24 years of practice!
[Reddit User] − Hes a child and youve been dating for a blink of an eye. Do not move in with him, even if he wasn’t a man child. My god girl, you can do better
Cryptosmith70 − Short answer…stick to your guns. Especially if you already see red flags. Find a better boyfriend (that cleans up after himself)
Do you think the Redditor’s request for her boyfriend to live alone and learn basic life skills before moving in together is fair, or should she have been more understanding of his situation? How can she approach the situation in a way that brings both their needs and concerns into balance? Share your thoughts below!