My (23f) bf (24m) is driving me crazy with how rude he is at night because he’s a light sleeper and I’m not
A 23-year-old woman is frustrated with her boyfriend of over a year, with whom she has lived for six months, due to his extreme sensitivity to noise at night. As a light sleeper, he frequently complains about her minor noises, such as yawning or clearing her throat, even when she tries to be as quiet as possible.
The dynamic has led to fights, especially as she struggles with insomnia caused by medication. Despite her efforts to accommodate his needs, his demands feel selfish and make her question their compatibility for the future, especially regarding bigger life events like marriage or having children.
‘ My (23f) bf (24m) is driving me crazy with how rude he is at night because he’s a light sleeper and I’m not’
My bf and I have been together over a year and living together about 6 months. He’s an EXTREMELY light sleeper. We never used to have problems but I’m now on medicine that causes me to have more insomnia so it’s harder for me to fall asleep. Lately, we’ve gotten into fights because he’s being absolutely unrealistic about any noise in general.
I can’t clear my throat quietly, sneeze or even yawn without him grumbling, groaning, or yelling at me at how “loud” I’m being. When I say yawn, I don’t mean some exaggerated TV yawn, but literally the sound of me silently taking in and expelling air from my mouth 3-4x over the course of 2 hours sets him off.
Sneezing is very rare and it’s also quiet but if I have to make any noise, I do it as silently as possible, but it’s not enough for him. When I was extremely sick with the cold, he made ME sleep on the couch because I was having a tough time sleeping without being able to actually blow my nose to breathe.
But, when he caught it a week later, I gladly let him sleep in the bed and helped take care of him when he woke up in the night because he wasn’t feeling well. I’ve argued with him multiple times that it’s unfair for him to expect absolute silence and be mad over the AIR he hears from a YAWN but he just shuts me down and tells me to be quiet because I’ve disturbed him from being “right on the edge of sleep.”
I understand that when you’re half asleep you’re particularly grumpy, we’ve all been there, but it winds me all the way up that I already constantly have to cater to the way he needs tons of space (meaning I have to sleep pencil straight all night or on the side not facing him if I want to move my legs at all) and then this sound thing.
I’ve had previous bf’s who were heavy sleepers that snored, made lots of noise and honestly that bothered me less than constantly having to be alert to his needs. He says that ear plugs don’t work and he only likes to hear the fan so white noise is out of the question.
I don’t want to go downstairs because then I’ll just stay up and I don’t want to keep taking melatonin every night but I’m this close to not renewing our lease together next year if things don’t change.
It also makes me feel like if we got married and had kids he’d just expect me to be up all the time dealing with the baby so he can sleep or complaining about his sleep or if one of us was to have a chronic sickness that we’d have to sleep in different bedrooms because of how selfish he is. What should I do?
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
CrimsonSilverRose − There are plenty of people in the comments suggesting separate bedrooms, which is fine if you want to stay together, but this guy. 1) gets actively angry at you for doing literally anything on what I assume is a nightly basis, 2) kicks YOU out of bed when you’re sick and need sleep even more than usual and 3) appears to show no consideration for your feelings or willingness to compromise in any way.
If you want to stay with this guy by all means get separate bedrooms, plenty of successful couples swear by it. However, you do not deserve to be talked to this way or treated this way, whether it’s about sleep or anything else. I would recommend thinking about if this is the only time he ignores your feelings, speaks rudely, or belittles you. It might be worth reconsidering the whole relationship.
[Reddit User] − He’s a bad partner. Not because it’s difficult to sleep with, because he completely refuses to compromise with you. What else does he completely refuse to compromise about? What is it like negotiating with him generally? We move through the different stages of a relationship basically trying to find somebody that we can form a long-term relationship with.
Each stage of the relationship from the initial attraction, through to putting IKEA furniture together, or putting up a tent in the rain, teaches us something about the compatibility of that partner. So it’s not about your sleeping patterns, it’s about the broader compatibility within a relationship where he is not prepared to negotiate a compromise on something which affects both of you.
You’ve reached a point in the relationship where, unless he is prepared to change, you can go no further, because you simply don’t have a functional partnership with someone who’s not prepared to negotiate, compromise, or change. And if you can’t do this about something as straightforward as sleep, then you are quite right – you cannot have children with him. I can’t begin to imagine negotiating night feeds with someone like this.
neje − Why isn’t **he** the one on sleeping meds?
orangekitti − I’m a light sleeper and my partner snores really badly. Like so badly, that when we shared a hotel room with friends, they couldn’t sleep soundly and asked me how I deal with it. What we’ve agreed on, is that I can lightly shake him, ask him to turn over, or even turn him on his side myself if he’s not being responsive. It doesn’t affect his sleep quality and it stops the snoring long enough for me to fall asleep.
However, I don’t get to yell at him for yawning, sneezing, or making noise. That’s absurd. And on the rare occasions he’s just too loud, I get up and move somewhere else. I don’t kick him out of bed. I think you either need to come to an agreement with your partner about what constitutes “too much noise”, what actions can be taken, etc. or get separate rooms.
Right now he’s being too selfish and frankly dramatic over normal human noises. And in my opinion, unless there’s extreme circumstances the partner with the problem with noise should get up and move, not force their partner to sleep on the couch. EDIT: also I would think twice before having kids with this guy if you don’t want to be stuck doing more than your fair share of childcare. Doesn’t sound like he’d be fair there either.
Fayebie17 − DO NOT RENEW THE LEASE
TexFiend − Definitely don’t renew the lease. I’m sure that out there somewhere in the world is a woman who is able and happy to stay completely still and silent at all times so as not to disturb his majesty’s sleep. But this mythical woman is not you. I’m not saying he’s necessarily a bad person.. I’m just saying he’s:. – a really s**tty boyfriend. – not the right guy for you. – not the right guy for 99.99% of women on the planet
turingtested − What has he tried to help his sleep? Earplugs, black out curtains, abstaining from caffeine, staying on a strict sleep schedule etc? It sounds to me like the only effort he puts forth is telling you to modify your behavior.
PM_meyourchickens − I can relate to him a bit, the tiniest noises at night drive me crazy, sometimes even my own breathing. However, that is MY problem, not my partner’s, and if my partner is being too loud, I’m the one moving to the couch.
Ladyughsalot1 − He’s extremely selfish and if he’s unwilling to take real actions to resolve this, he doesn’t really get to share a bed with his partner. He’s refusing to budge and holding you nearly hostage; sleeping pencil straight, don’t move your legs, don’t sneeze or breathe too loudly? But *earplugs are out of the question for him???!!?!!??*
He doesn’t get to dictate this, and he appear to believe he does, strongly. Partnerships are based on compromise and cooperation, and he’s showing you how selfish he can be. Why is your comfort worth less?? Even if sick, or on new meds? I think you may believe this lack of empathy is acceptable because it’s only when it comes to sleep…but this is a pretty big pattern.
He needs to research and invest in solutions for this, and you need to start living like a normal person in your own home. Look past the behaviors together and understand what the key motivator is; that’s your problem. The problem is, he believes he is entitled to his most ideal, perfect state of comfort, at your expense, with little care for your right to move or breathe freely.
makoe7 − I would have a sincere talk about fairness, like see if he’s able to meet you in the middle or compromise when you’re sick. If not, you may just be one of those couples that has separate rooms. I know tons of people who have been married for a very long time and have separate rooms cause one snores or something
When minor issues create major friction, it often points to deeper challenges in communication and compromise. How would you handle a situation where a partner’s personal habits clash with your well-being? Share your perspective below!