My (21M) girlfriends (21F) wants to remain friends with her abusive ex boyfriend (28M) after he repeatedly told her he still loved her?

A Reddit user, 21M, is facing relationship tension with his girlfriend, 21F, due to her ongoing friendship with her abusive ex-boyfriend (28M). Despite her ex repeatedly confessing his love for her and trying to rekindle their relationship, the girlfriend insists on remaining friends with him.

The boyfriend feels uncomfortable with this, especially considering the history of abuse, and is torn between trusting her and his deep discomfort with the situation. The issue has led to frequent arguments and is straining their otherwise healthy relationship.

‘ My (21M) girlfriends (21F) wants to remain friends with her abusive ex boyfriend (28M) after he repeatedly told her he still loved her?’

My (21M) girlfriend (21F) of 6 months has been friends with her ex boyfriend (28) since we have been together. We are all at University. Me and my girlfriend live with each other and 4 other people. We work great in pretty much every aspect of our lives other than when there is any situation that involves him.

We usually have great communication, but whenever it comes to this we always argue and things get heated. 2 months ago he told her when drunk on a night out that he still loved her and wanted her back. They went and spoke while I went home. She later arrived home in tears and I knew she had been with him.

When she fell asleep I made the awful mistake of looking at her phone because of this. It’s something I regret deeply as she lost a lot of trust in me. The next day he asked her to forget about last night as he was drunk. After speaking with her Mum my girlfriend decided not to mention it to me as he was drunk (I’m fine with this decision).

Two weeks later on a night out he said it again and tried to convince her to come back with him to his house after a night out. She of course turned him down. After that she decided to tell me about it. I was very uncomfortable with the situation. He then text her asking if he could talk to her about it all so they met up for coffee (with my knowledge).

During this conversation he told her how sorry he was for everything that happened in their relationship and how much he wanted her back and things would be different. He said if she didn’t choose him then they couldn’t be friends any more. He then gave her a lovely necklace. When she came home she was incredibly upset by the situation and was in tears for a very long time.

I choose not to prow or ask any questions about what he said or did but just cuddle and comfort her. She later called up her mum to talk it through and then after that she told me what happened. I tried to be as understanding as I could that night as I knew she was upset by it.

The next day we spoke about it, she still wanted them to be able to be friends but I was very against it as it made me very uncomfortable. I never trusted his intentions in being friends with her in the past so I most certainly didn’t now if he wanted to become friends. We then went on Christmas break.

During this time he messaged her a couple of times and they spoke briefly and he didn’t bring up his feelings. Then suddenly did and asked to meet up. Later after she had told him no and was trying to avoid the conversation, he got mad at her. They didn’t speak much after that other than the occasional message.

During this time he removed her and added her back multiple times on social media. The day we arrived back to University he messaged her and asked if he could come and chat. I was home so she was comfortable saying yes. He then poured out his love again and of course she said no (I was able to hear the conversation with her knowledge).

He walked off and they haven’t spoken since till today. They are both in rowing club together so they have to see each other sometimes and would be seeing each other tomorrow for a race. He messaged her asking to meet up and she went. He said he wanted to be able to be friends and hang out and asked if they could start by going to the library together and just hanging out.

She said yes to this. This makes me extremely uncomfortable and caused a big argument between us. She says I don’t trust her, but I really don’t trust him. In their relationship he sometimes wouldn’t take no for an answer and would occasionally force himself on her.

I don’t understand why she would want to be friends with him and I just can’t trust him and I will always be uncomfortable if she’s with him. And she says although she understands, she still wants to be friends with him as she is never going to reciprocate his feelings and will never accept his advances but they have been good friends for a long time and she doesn’t want to throw it away.

It hurts when she says that I don’t trust her, and I can see how it can seem that way, and I think this stems from me looking at her phone two months back, but I just can’t stand him and feel disgusted whenever he says something like he has been doing.

She feels because he only wants to go to the library now that it’s not something I should stress out about and I’m overreacting to the possibility of them hanging out again. She said if he does make it clear he isn’t okay to be friends again then she will stop hanging out with him.

I love this girl with all my heart and know I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her, but I just can’t stand her being with him and it’s the only thing we ever argue about.
We are both going to reading the answers to this post so would greatly appreciate some advice on the situation.. ​

 

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

xoxoLizzyoxox −  If she cant ditch a dude who is manipulating her and trying to win her back then she does not respect herself, you or your relationship. You shouldnt be arguing with her, you should be leaving her. She keeps allowing this dude to straight up disrespect you and still wants to be friends when he tried to get her back to his house….they werent gonna be going there to bake cookies.

[Reddit User] −  Walk away, dude, walk away. She’s still WAAAAyyyy too enmeshed with him. She’s a hot mess, and she’s not ready to date ANYONE yet, and she’s not improving at all.

ConfusedArtDesigner −  Dude, she is still super enmeshed in the abuse cycle with this dude. Just read through his actions all over again. He isn’t just telling her he loves her, he is 1) ignoring her desires, 2) love bombing and then shutting down contact when she doesn’t do what he wishes, 3) aggressively pursuing her despite her being in another relationship.

I know it sucks to hear this, but you can’t help her. You need to break up with her, for your own sake. She needs to refuse to speak to him anymore, regardless of them being in the row club or whatever. She is still being abused by him and doesn’t seem to realize it. He has tried several tactics to worm his way back into her life and will continue until he finds on that works.

Honestly, it’s only a matter of time until he either convinces/emotionally coerces her to sleep with him or outright rapes her (based on your telling of him). EDITED TO ADD: Hey folks, I think something needs to be made clear here. She is a victim of abuse and is stuck in the abuse cycle.

The emotional toll that this is taking on her does not in any way mean that she is sleeping with her ex, is coming back in tears because they just fucked, or anything else like that. She’s a victim, let’s not paint her as a willing cheater.

slasher372 −  You both have red flags, she still wants to hang out with an abusive loser ex while dating someone else, and you are talking about marrying her after dating for 6 months while she is obviously not ready for a relationship. You are 21, chill out, don’t rush things, you need to mature before thinking about marriage.

leahsimsxo −  This is weird. He still has some power over her in my opinion. He is easily manipulating her, and honestly I do not think she’s 100% over the relationship. The fact that she’s met with him so many time…even though he was abusive; it doesn’t make sense. My abusive ex tried all of this, would always beg for me to let him explain himself, I said no every time once I was really over him and the relationship.

I would never be friends with my abusive ex the way your gf is. It seems like you’ve tried to talk to her about it before but idk, I personally wouldn’t just let this go. It’s not healthy or normal IF the relationship was really abusive

Edit: extra info: I think you should leave her. You’re only hurting yourself staying with her. She’s not ready for this kind of relationship. She probably started dating you (not intentionally) as a rebound. I’m sorry for you, but this isn’t healthy or normal in a relationship

waternymph77 −  I cannot at all understand why anyone would want to remain friends with an abusive ex. This seems completely crazy for your gf to want that relationship. If they have to see each other rowing, polite nonchalance should be sufficient. I don’t think she is over him, or she wouldn’t cry so much about it either.

Davan195 −  The timing is wrong dude, you need to walk away, she shouldn’t be invested in anyone but you if you are together.

girlwithdog_79 −  How long for and when were they together? The age difference seems a bit predatory, why does a nearly 30y.o want to hang around with 21y.os? What are his redeeming qualities that make her want to be his friend? He abuses and s**ually assaults women?

I think your girlfriend needs to see a therapist and while she is still holding on so tightly to her past abusive relationship (that is what she is doing) she shouldn’t be in another relationship, it isn’t fair on you.

Vitruvian_man21 −  It’s very concerning that she is making it a priority to stay friends with this guy even if it means causing problems between you and her. She also has gone and met with him multiple times at his request in order to “work it out,” there is nothing to work out this guy obviously has issues.

I wouldn’t want her hanging out with her EX boyfriend either, especially with him constantly professing his love, but even without that it’s weird. It’s not about trusting her, it’s about keeping her away from an obviously mentally unstable man. Your relationship needs to be prioritized in this situation, especially since it seems like the only major problem here.

Making you happy should be prioritized over being friends with her Ex boyfriend, who, once you leave university she will forget about anyways. Being friends with this guy should not be important to her (it’s your Ex boyfriend for christ sakes) cut him off, block his number etc. and move on.

[Reddit User] −  She lost trust in you, after she went to see him?………. Stay with her man. You two idiots deserve each other.

Do you think the girlfriend’s desire to maintain a friendship with her abusive ex is a dealbreaker, or is she justified in wanting to stay friends despite the past? How should the boyfriend approach this situation without feeling distrustful or insecure? Share your thoughts below and join the discussion!