My [21M] gf [20F] is in the hospital because my mom [48F] didn’t believe her allergies/dietary restrictions?

A man recounts how his mother dismissed his girlfriend’s severe allergies and dietary restrictions, resulting in a life-threatening allergic reaction during a family dinner. Despite being provided with detailed instructions, the mother’s negligence hospitalized the girlfriend, leaving the man grappling with how to convey the gravity of the situation to his mom. Read the full story below.

‘ My [21M] gf [20F] is in the hospital because my mom [48F] didn’t believe her allergies/dietary restrictions?’

I live with my brother so we occasionally have dinner at my parents to see them and my little sister. I’ve missed a couple dinners and my brother brought up that I must’ve been with Brit, my second gf after my high school gf of 4 years and I broke up. So, Brit has celiac disease along with alot of allergies and dietary restrictions. I know all her allergies, and the PDF of her allergies from her allergist spans about 5 pages. I even have a “what to do” PDF on my phone in case she goes into anaphylaxis. She even has asthma and a deviated septum so she has issues with breathing.

My mom brings up that I’ve been missing dinners and suggests that I bring Brit to dinner one day so she can meet the family and catch up with me. I tell my mom about ALL her allergies, I even made suggestions on what she could cook for her. Basically told her, no to gluten, dairy, all kinds of peanuts, and alot of fruits. No one in my family has any allergies to anything but she said she’ll take care of it for Brit and look up some recipes I suggested.

Eating out and making dinner for Brit is pretty tricky but I’ve assured her that she can enjoy all the food my mom is preparing. We get to my parents place and everyone’s on the patio waiting for us. Brit has a place card next to my mom with a couple of burger buns and fries already in front of it so we assumed they’re gluten free and specially made for her, that my mom didn’t want to get them mixed up with everyone else’s food. Brit had one bite before she looked at me in horror, and asked me to inject her with her epipen.

We’re at the hospital and Brit doesn’t even want me in the room because her symptoms included diarrhea and she’s very self conscious about her hives. My dad texted me apologizing for my mom saying “Sorry, she didn’t realize the fries were cooked in peanut oil before they were packaged. She didn’t know Brit was celiac — you said no gluten, and who has THAT many allergies? Mom thought she was just very high maintenance.”

The last time Brit had an allergic reaction, it gave her such a horrible asthma attack she was hospitalized for 7 days. She’s missing days of work by being in the hospital for observation. How do I let my mom know that this is unacceptable? Brit could’ve died so I’m not taking this s**t lightly. Tl;dr: my mom didn’t believe my gf had so many dietary restrictions, it’s put my gf in the hospital.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Doughchild −  That thing your father texted wasn’t an apology. It’s deflection, blaming Brit for having illnesses. I hope they offer to pay her medical bills.

Cthulia −  i have a theory, based on your dad’s text saying, “mom thought she was just very high maintenance”. Your mom specifically put a place card with brit’s name out; you didn’t mention if she does this normally for dinners or if she had place cards for everyone else.
Your mom placed a portion of food specifically next to brit’s place card, which is a logical assumption that they were “safe” foods just for brit; it wasn’t platters of all the buns & fries for people to grab.

Your mom saying she thought brit was “just high maintenance” + brit’s place card + “safe” food set next to it = your mom set a trap to “catch” brit “lying” about her allergies. Your mom thought your gf was a lying l**r dramallama stealing her son away from her dinners, and wanted to shame her. Don’t let your mom play stupid about this, she deliberately physically harmed your gf on the off-chance that your gf was lying about her allergies.

Moritani −  D**k move. Even if your GF had been lying, your mother specifically requested that she come over and that request was accepted with the stipulation that she get her needs fulfilled. Your GF didn’t show up to a barbecue and start making demands or something. All this required was a little extra prep. And instead of respecting your GF’s wishes, she decided to prove a point that ended up being false. I mean, what was the end goal, here? To smugly say “Hey, did you like that burger? Well, it had gluten in it, you little l**r.” Who treats their child’s SO that way?

LogieBearWebber −  Sorry, she didn’t realize the fries were cooked in peanut oil before they were packaged.. Fair enough, easy mistake to make She didn’t know Brit was celiac — you said no gluten, and who has THAT many allergies? Mom thought she was just very high maintenance.. Wait, what?

Why is your dad taking it upon himself to apologise for your mum’s arrogance and stupidity? Be assertive with her: “Because you thought you knew more about my gf’s allergies than she did, she’s spent 7 days off work in observation. What are you going to do to compensate her for her hospital bills and lost wages?”

FeelingFascination −  You tell her absolutely straight. That’s serious bad behaviour on her part. You look her dead in the eye and say “I told you her restrictions. There’s one of two options. Either you thought it was acceptable to try and poison her, or you didn’t care enough to listen to what I said to you. Neither of them is okay, neither of them is fine. Both of them mean my girlfriend ended up in hospital.”

Now, plenty of people here will try and defend your mum. But speaking as someone who will die if someone puts peanuts in their food, I am more than happy to say that this is really really important. I will happily bring food to gatherings that have peanuts + shellfish because I understand my allergies are hard to cater for – but I will not accept deliberate and intentional efforts to harm me.

There’s two ways here. Either your mother makes a full, compete and unprompted apology to your girlfriend for doubting her word, or she tries to double down and insist that nothing was wrong. That will influence you – a genuine mistake can be over looked, but a sanctimonious and s**tty attitude can’t be.

ETA: I understand that some people can’t be as blunt with their parents as I propose up above. So here is an alternate prompt. “Mom, I know you didn’t mean any harm but you characterizing my girlfriend as high maintainence for having allergies hurt her and me. In future, can you clarify with her if there’s any problems?” If she cuts up rough over that, then I’d be wary as s**t – if I’d accidentally harmed someone, I’d be falling over with apologies.

lifeofjoyciel −  Your mom is paying the hospital bills right? As well for the missed wages?

InfiniteCobwebs −  The freaking packaging will list if peanuts even were used elsewhere in the manufacturing facility. Your mom disregarded your talk and decided she knew best. Your dad’s non-apology was horrible too. You need to address both separately.

“Mom, your lack of trust and selfish disregard of what I told you almost killed another person. I am deeply disappointed in you and am angry that your thoughtlessness harmed the person I love. You damaged her body, caused her to lose wages and incur medical expenses because of your negligent behavior. I expect you to personally apologize to Brit with no excuses of how you thought she was just being high maintenance or justifications for your behavior. I do not know if I can forgive you for your actions and I will be taking some time away from you and dad to help Brit heal from your a**ault. The only contact I expect from you right now is witnessing your sincere apology to Brit.”

You need to be there if an apology happens to shut it down and escort your parents away if they try to shift responsibility onto someone or something else.

Cosmologicality −  A severe peanut allergy is nothing to f**k around with. I have a peanut allergy that was pretty severe as a kid. When I say I can’t eat peanut products of any kind I’m not telling you about my f**king fad diet. I could literally die if you feed me peanuts. Your mom was astoundingly irresponsible and owes your gf a massive apology. Your dad’s non-apology text was also complete b**lshit.

Lockraemono −  Mom, I made it clear during our discussion Brit’s dietary needs, and the reasons for them. I put my trust in you, confident that you would take her health seriously when you welcomed her into your home. I have learned now that my trust and confidence were misplaced.

Please understand that you not only risked Brit’s life, you have cost her a great deal of money in medical bills and lost wages due to her hospital stay. This is not, as dad put it, “high maintenance,” but in fact the realities of life-threatening illness. I implore you to read up on her conditions, such as Celiac, wherein gluten not only causes an immediate allergic reaction, but can also cause permanent, irreparable damage to her body.

I expect that you will give Brit a sincere apology. It’s important that you apologize to her, and not me, as she is the one whose life was endangered. Please do not expect me at future dinners, as I will be pursuing extra hours at work to help cover her medical expenses, as they were caused due to my misplaced trust.. Love, OP.

[Reddit User] −  Omg poor Brit! She must really like you. Yes she was f**king serious about her f**king allergies and it wasn’t a joke. Don’t bring your gfs home for dinner anymore.