My (20f) friend (21f) is going to great lengths to ‘prove’ that my boyfriend (24m) is cheating even though I know he isn’t
A Redditor shared her struggles with a close friend who has become obsessed with proving that her long-distance boyfriend is cheating, despite clear evidence to the contrary.
The constant accusations and intrusive behavior are straining their friendship, leaving her questioning whether to distance herself further. Read the full story below to explore the dilemma.
‘ My (20f) friend (21f) is going to great lengths to ‘prove’ that my boyfriend (24m) is cheating even though I know he isn’t’
So I live with Emily, a person I met a couple of years ago. We became fast friends, admittedly moved in together last year out of convenience, but have stayed true to our friendship, which has definitely strengthened. My boyfriend is Sam, someone I met about a year and a half ago.
We’ve been dating for just over a year, with our relationship transitioning into an LDR about 5 months ago because Sam moved for work.
I never thought that there were any issues between Emily and Sam. In our early stages she was very gracious and seemed to know the perfect balance between socialising with Sam and giving us space.
It was only when Sam moved away that she started making little comments about how ‘funny’ it would be if Sam had a side chick in his new city, or that I was actually a side chick and he’s gone home to his family.
There is no way this is true – Sam has always been honest and open, has always mentioned that he quickly shuts girls down if they try it on with him, and as for the family thing I helped him move into his small 2-room apartment, and not a family home.
I’ve always shut this down very quickly whenever Emily starts on with it, however recently she’s been taking extra steps to try and make me believe that my boyfriend is cheating on me. She told me over dinner the other day that she had proof that Sam had ‘slid into the DMs’ of one of her friends,
and showed me a screenshot of Sam’s ‘secret’ Twitter account hitting on her friend about 9 months ago. This account was not Sam’s username at all, and just in case it had been a secret account, I searched the username and it came up with a profile of a 15 year old boy also called ‘Sam’.
Though I told Emily this, she was insisting that this profile was my Sam, and that he was clearly catfishing using this kid, or that he was Sam’s younger brother (Sam has no younger siblings). Last night she sent me an SOS message saying that there was an emergency,
but after rushing home to see what was happening she said that the ‘emergency’ was that Sam doesn’t have his Facebook relationship on his profile, and that it was obvious he’s trying to appear single.
The reason his relationship isn’t public is because I asked for it not to be, since I don’t believe that my relationship status is everyone’s business – we are ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook, but only privately. Yet again I explained this to Emily, and she still tried to argue that he could still be cheating,
and that I was subconsciously manipulated to keep the status private by him (I really wasn’t). I’ll clarify here that I’ve never said to Emily that I think Sam will cheat on me in his new city because I don’t, simple enough. It may have been that she was jealous or wanted him for herself but she is in a relationship of her own;
her boyfriend of 2 years is over usually 2 – 3 nights a week. I’m definitely going to put her on an information diet regarding my relationship, but should I consider going further?
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
Brendonistall − Your friend is the worlds shittiest detective.
Doughchild − Is there a benefit for her if you’re single? Like do you bring Sam over to your place a lot or are you planning on moving in soon with him away from her? Has she ever been cheated on in a similar situation?
Lock your room and watch your phone. It shouldn’t be, but that’s how she’ll get information if you stop telling her about you and Sam. Do tell her that you’re no longer going to respond to her emergencies and put her on mute when possible. Then you only get upset when you’re no longer busy.
suspecrobot − She sounds a bit unstable and drama-queeny to be honest. This is a case of ‘has crazy theory, tries to get the facts to fit’. It doesn’t really matter what her motive is. Tell her bluntly that you feel she’s trying to ruin your relationship, and that if she doesn’t stop, the friendship will be over.
DragonToothGarden − What sane, reasonable person sends a freakin’ SOS message so you come home RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT to tell you she found the profile of a 15 year old named Sam? There is something very, very wrong here and I don’t mean just a bit of weirdness or jealousy.
It doesn’t even feel like jealousy. It seems like she loves drama, wants to maybe see you hurt/under drama, and the ONLY drama she can create is this boyfriend cheating b**lshit. The obvious problem with that is unstable people who go to such lengths (and she’s just starting and refuses to stop this inanity) is these people don’t improve. They intensify.
If you want to keep living with her, all you can do is say the subject is closed. You don’t care if she sees him f**king some girl right in front of her eyes (because it’ll be a guy that “looks just like him”) the TOPIC IS CLOSED FOR DISCUSSION. Over. Done. Never repeat again.
throwawayply − I have to admit, something about this story strikes me as odd. I can’t quite put my finger on what or why, but it feels a little like there’s a missing piece somewhere in here. Let me start with the roommate sounds way over the top – no arguments there.
Not only do you have to draw a really, really clear boundary – but I think you’re going to have to start evaluating whether you can share a living space with her going forward. I also disagree with any advice you receive that starts with “unless she can show you proof..” or anything like this.
To say anything like that to her is likely received as a tacit permission to keep looking and digging. You have to make it clear to her you are not interested in her opinions or any “evidence” she finds at all. Period. And I think that’s going to make the living situation tough, which is why I made that point.
That’s me taking this at face value. Here are my less-substantiated thoughts and concerns: 1) Her behavior sounds very much almost like a jilted-lover in a way. Is it possible the roommate and your boyfriend may have had a secret romance or fling?
And her trying to prove he’s an c**ater is her acting out due to his departure and also a bit of revenge? I’m guessing you’re going to say it’s impossible, because that’s been you’re response to almost every other possibility, which leads me to my next thought:
2) your responses to her concerns are a little strange to me, if I’m being honest. Some sound like over justifications, and others just totally dismissing the possibility for a sort of unrelated reason. For example, you position that Sam can’t possibly cheat on you or have another life because you helped him move into a small apartment.
I’m not saying he does have another life, but you moving him into a small apartment doesn’t mean he doesn’t either. Similar to your reasoning that Sam has no siblings means it’s impossible to make a profile saying he’s someone younger than he actually is.
Again, I’m not suggesting either of these are actually true – but there is something a bit off to me about your thought processes for why they aren’t true. I’m also unclear why you rushed home when you got an emergency message from your roommate after she had already displayed what I would consider erratic behavior.
You just immediately rushed home without asking what was wrong first or what the emergency was? Again, just sounds odd. Again – I agree the roommate sounds a little nuts which is why I spent the first part addressing at face value. But some of your flawed over-justifications strike me as odd too which is why I still think something’s missing.
KissedByFire2194 − Is there a possibility that your friend is jealous of your relationship with Sam? I encountered a nearly identical situation with my roommate/close friend last year when my boyfriend proposed. He was in the navy at the time, and on Christmas leave, stayed at our apartment and asked me to marry him.
At first, my friend was quite happy for me. But, a few weeks later, her own boyfriend randomly broke up with her. Around this time, my fiance, who was working on going sober, relapsed and got wasted one night. My friend used my fiance’s relapse as an excuse to try and convince me to break up with him.
She was determined to show me that, because my fiance relapsed, he was an unreliable guy who didn’t deserve me. Realistically, my friend was just bitter that her own relationship had recently ended.
She wanted someone to wallow in her misery with her. I called her out on it and she backed off, which was good because quite honestly she was acting ridiculous and obsessing over MY relationship.
[Reddit User] − First, I’d tell her that what happened last night was by no stretch of the imagination an emergency and you’re going to be pissed if she tries to pull something like that again.
Then you need to shut her down hard each and every time she brings this up. As to her motivations, maybe she just wants you to break up so you can find a local boyfriend that she and her guy can be couple-friends with?
WeirdGrowth − The info diet is a great step, I’d kick it off with a really hard line in the sand boundary that’s communicated clearly with her, something like this: “Emily, I need you to stop commenting on and digging into my relationship with Sam.
I am sure you mean well, but what you’re doing now after I’ve asked you several times to stop is not appropriate, and that ’emergency’ stunt you pulled on x day was not acceptable at all. If I hear another word from you about this, I will start believing you are NOT my friend and do not have my best interests at heart.
I do not want to discuss this further.” If she tries to bring it up or say’s one word about your relationship or Sam, shut it down bluntly “Emily, no. I already told you I will not discuss this with you”, if she doesn’t shut it down immediately, leave the room. Keep repeating that till she gets it.
If she keeps pushing it, you should pull back your friendship completely and be coolly polite but no more. You may even need to look for a new housing situation.
That “emergency” stunt really was a step beyond any kind of normal involvement, her behavior is drama-stirring and kind of creepy to be honest. Well beyond a normally concerned friend, and I would be really suspicious of her motives.
throwawaychickenpoo − I had a friend like this. This story is eerily similar to mine. The final straw was when I was hanging at my boyfriends house after his weekend trip to a city across the state was cancelled. She texted me and told me her “friend” was in that city and she saw my boyfriend with another girl at a casino…
got this text from her while I was sitting with him in his living room. These people are psychotic and as you can imagine, I dropped her like a hot stone. I would suggest you do the same before her o**ession with you or your boyfriend turns dangerous.
[Reddit User] − You need to tell your “friend” (let’s face it she’s not really your friend here) to mind her own damn business. This is YOUR relationship. She needs to stop sticking her nose in places where it doesn’t need to be and if she can’t,
you need to let her know that you will be cordial and polite since you are living together, but you are no longer friends and start looking for another place to live. If she asks about you and Sam or your relationship, tell her that you’re not talking to her about this.
Keep saying no. Try to bring up another subject. A true friend wouldn’t go to this length trying to prove that something that clearly isn’t happening. This should have stopped the first time you shut her down.
Do you think the Redditor should confront her friend about her behavior or take steps to distance herself entirely? How would you handle a friendship that feels increasingly invasive and toxic? Share your thoughts and advice below!
For those who want to read the sequel: