My [20] fiance’s [27m] behavior while online gaming is destroying our relationship

A nursing student shared her concerns about her fiancé’s increasingly toxic behavior stemming from his online gaming habits. His obsession has led to verbal outbursts, destructive behavior, and neglect of responsibilities, leaving her feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.

Despite attempts at communication and suggesting couples counseling, her fiancé dismisses her concerns, making her question their future together.

‘ My [20] fiance’s [27m] behavior while online gaming is destroying our relationship?’

So I’ve been with my fiance for 3 nearly 4 years and I’ve always known that he enjoys casually playing video games. I’m not really a ‘gamer’ myself but I haven’t had a problem with it until now.

A few months ago he started playing an online video game that’s a battle royale type game where you have teams and compete against other players. At first he would just play it in the evening after work like any other game for an hour or two and then we’d watch TV or a movie while I did schoolwork.

However, he then began to play it from the time he got home from work at around 4pm until 2 or 3 in the morning. I wasn’t a huge fan of this because it’s a very loud game and he would yell into the headset to communicate with other players which was very distracting as I was doing schoolwork and we live in a small flat so sleeping was difficult.

He has started started acting very differently while playing this particular game, for example he screams and swears at other players on his team if they mess up in the game or if they lose. He will also argue with other players over the messaging system and say really vulgar stuff.

I mentioned being upset once b/c he was saying stuff about rape, using the n-word, etc and he told me to calm down as he was “just joking” and that’s what everyone does.. ​ three-ish weeks ago I came home during a break between classes and he was home during a workday.

He told me his job cut back his hours to only three days a week. Since then he has devoted all of his spare time to gaming. I am in nursing school and also work so I’m gone most of the day, we have one day a week that neither of us work or go to school.

We used to go places or run errands on those days but now if I can even get him out of the house he gets antsy and has to rush home to play so he doesn’t “miss anything”. He also expects me to continue doing a majority of the housework (which I have always done) like cleaning, laundry, and preparing meals.

I told him I can’t realistically go to school, work, and clean and cook. He will call me repeatedly at work or in class begging me to stop off on the way home and get him chips or beer. I’m pretty sure he lives off of crap junkfood because none of the healthy meals I prep seem to get eaten by him.

Junkfood is expensive and since he’s barely working I am trying to shop cheaply so we can pay our rent and other expenses. The final straw for me is the way he reacts when he loses in the game–he has started throwing stuff, screaming, swearing, and lashing out at me

He has broken a lamp, knocked a leg off the coffee table, and broken multiple glasses. He broke his headset and used my amazon account to order a new one. I have tried to talk to him about this and asked him to either find another way to cope or play in an area of the home with less breakable stuff in it and he told me that I don’t understand how it feels to lose an important game.

He accused me of being controlling and a**sive towards him which was very hurtful. He also is in a group chat with the people on his team and I once saw him (i looked over his shoulder while he was chatting, which was s**tty I know this) text in their group instagram chat that I was a “nag” and “always bitching at him”.

Even worse, a lot of the players on his team seem to be teenage boys or girls so I doubt they understand what it’s like to be a in a longterm relationship. I have tried multiple times to tell him that the video game o**ession is too much for me to handle, and yesterday suggested couples counseling.

He has pretty much ignored me every time or promised that he’ll be less aggressive on the game/limit his time. I almost dread going back to our flat bc I know he’ll be gaming all night. I am aware this sounds like a very stupid problem to have, but I feel a bit like I’m living with a teenage boy.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

TheSlowLorax −  He’ll get worse. Do you want to live like that? Also wtf this man was an adult dating a child. That’s your first red flag.

[Reddit User] −  Tell him the truth again, but maybe more sternly. Say something like: “I love you, but you keep choosing that game over me and I’ve had enough of it. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make this stop, but you won’t listen. All you care about is that game.

I understand its fun, but if it makes you so angry and frustrated when you lose, maybe its time to scale back. If you don’t change this behavior, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to live in this environment. It isn’t healthy, and I need more from you and deserve more from you.”

If he doesn’t respond well to that, I’d say it might be time to move on, unfortunately. I’m the same age as him, so this sounds a little ridiculous to me. People approaching 30 definitely need to have a better grip on their priorities than that.

volkaija −  The whole age difference really screams red flag to me and given his behavior I wouldn’t be surprised if he dates younger so he can do stuff like this and present it as normal. It’s really not worth it to take care of him when hes a grown adult.

Id be upfront with him and tell him he needs to be taking more responsibility with himself and pull his own weight in y’alls relationship. If he doesnt? Well then f**k em and take care of yourself and your own future, you’re doing too much already

TheCastleMan −  I used to be similar to this with WoW (minus the very loving GF) when I was in college. I would get very upset when things didn’t go my way. I stopped going to class because I felt that I had to be the best and the only way to be the best was to constantly get new gear and improve my skills.

I lived off vending machine food because I didn’t want to lose time to making food. OP, the way I see it is that he views this game as something immensely meaningful to him. It gives him purpose and he’s determined to be the best.

But he’s constantly threatened because there are a lot of better players out there so he has to always be trying to get better. He’s thinking that when he’s not online he’s falling behind. He’ll tell you that he’ll play less, or that he’ll act less aggressively because I think he wants to but he’s so wrapped up in that world that he simply can’t.

I say this because this is EXACTLY how I felt. The only way I was able to close that chapter of my life was to quit cold turkey. I had a little help (what I like to call divine intervention) in that my laptop broke such that I had to mail it to the manufacturer to get fixed for a few weeks.

I had dropped out of college at this point and was living with my parents at the time. I could’ve installed it onto their computer but I knew that I had to stop. I wanted to stop for so long but simply couldn’t. I needed a outside push and the broken computer was the key. It was when I realized my rock bottom

I think couple’s therapy is definitely a good start and I hope that he truly understands what his gaming is doing to you. If he doesn’t then it’s time to go OP, as sad as that sounds. Maybe that will help him realize what the consequences of his actions (or inactions) really are

hobsrulz −  He accused you of abuse. That’s emotional abuse 101. Those violent outbursts will be directed at you. It also sounds like there’s a lack of remorse and a lack of reciprocity and consideration. It doesn’t look promising

[Reddit User] −  This isn’t right. It sounds like he treats you like you’re his mom and are supposed to take care of him even though hes older. It’s also likely he has anger issues that could become physical later in the relationship if he breaks stuff and yells over losing in a game that really doesnt mean anything (I do play games and have a long time but this isn’t right for a 27 year old, maybe a 9 year old or young teen but definitely not an adult).

Also, I’m around his age and sometimes play online and at that age you know what words are right to say or not, even if its ‘just a joke’. Either he knows that r**ist and vulgar terms are wrong but just says them to act like his teammates or just doesnt care.

He may say he’ll act better but 9 times out of 10 he wont. I would say to get out of this relationship. You’re young and can still find someone much better because this will surely lead to abuse doen the line

[Reddit User] −  Leave him. You can do so much better than this l**er.

TwilightMountain −  This isnt a stupid problem. My ex and I started dating in January 2017 and I played video games. In April 2017 I convinced her to finally play with me and we did for an entire week. She got hooked, and ever since then has gotten really into gaming.

It didnt become a problem until around June 2018, she started playing with people she promised not to talk or play with some people that flirted with her (she allowed it and even entertained the people by making s**ual jokes with them).

I get for most people it wouldnt be a big deal, but we were long distance so it was like the same level as me if that makes sense. She would unblock them and spend the whole day and night with them because we were arguing.

Sometimes she would promise she’d not talk to them then hide it, make secret accounts to talk to them or would unblock them and promise not to talk to them again then go to great lengths to hide that she was still in contact with them.

Video games consumed her life, from the moment she woke up til she got bored 12 hours later she would get pissed at the game and take it out on me, verbally, psychologically and emotionally abuse me.

She wouldnt read my long heartfelt goodmorning messages and got mad that I sent them cause she didnt want to have any responsibilities when she woke up, and didnt want to talk to or be around anyone when she woke up.

I guess that didnt apply to her friends on the game though. It will get worse. It sounds like you’re his mother, taking care of him and dealing with his childish outbursts. I say leave him. He sounds irresponsible and dangerous.

dogsshouldrundaworld −  Please get out. He was a c**ep to begin with for going after such a younger *girl* (at the time). He still hadn’t grown up. You can do better. Give yourself the chance, you’re still so young. He’ll only get worse.

finessemyguest −  Girl, I went through the same thing with my then boyfriend, hes now my husband. He was addicted to diablo 3. It was right when we were transitioning into living together. He would play when he got off work and would play well into the evening. He would wake up at 6 or 7 am and play until 11 or 12 at night.

Day in and day out. He would invite a friend over and I would be the one that ended up having to entertain them while he played on his computer. After a year of this, I told him I cant keep doing this. People would say to me, “you should be thankful that he isnt out drinking at the bar.” But he might as well should be.

Hed put his headphones on and be able to tune out anything that was happening in the house. He couldnt hear me, I’d have to get up and wave my hand in front of his face or tap him on the shoulder. I didnt nag him or give him ultimatums at first. I tried compromising.

I offered, “why dont you play for a couple of hours and then get off around 6 or 7 (he would get off of work around 230/3pm) to hang out with me. And you can play all day saturday and some of Sunday as long as I get some time with you.” He just couldnt do it. He would agree and then just smash through the game for hours on end.

We finally went to couples counseling and he finally understood and stopped playing diablo 3. It was the only game that he just couldnt limit his play time. We almost broke up over it. What’s the point of having a relationship when you cant even enjoy that person.

They’re so consumed in the video game, they might as well not even be there. I hope that your boyfriend understands the severity of his actions and what could happen between you 2.

I think its important to say that I never told my husband he couldnt play at all, I just wanted him to use some discretion. He now plays a reasonable amount and hangs out with me. In fact, I probably play more video games than him at this point.