My [19F] pregnant SIL [26F] is cold and short with me, but kind to everyone else

A Reddit user (19F) shared their frustration with their pregnant sister-in-law (26F), who has been cold and short with them despite being friendly with everyone else. The user recently visited her parents for the holidays and was excited to spend time with her sister-in-law, but encountered awkwardness and hostility instead.

Despite trying to engage in conversation and offer help, the sister-in-law consistently gave short, dismissive responses, and even seemed to ignore the user at dinner. The user wonders how to navigate the tension and if they should bring it up with their sister.

‘ My [19F] pregnant SIL [26F] is cold and short with me, but kind to everyone else’

My sister is a lesbian, and married her wife a year ago. They receive financial support from my parents (they’re wealthy, and generous), have good jobs, and as such, have decided to have a baby. Currently, her wife is about six months pregnant, and the two of them are visiting for holidays. I’m in college, so I don’t see them very often (yes, my parents give me financial support as well- everything is fair and square),

but I’m really excited for their baby. My sister and her wife had been dating since their senior year of college, and were friends since childhood before that. I’m 7 years younger, so I was kind of left out of the loop. I never knew my sister’s wife until they got married, and even then, I was swamped with my first year of college, so I didn’t really ever get to know her.

I was really excited though for this trip, since we’d get some one-on-one time together! Our parents live about two hours away from my sister and her wife, and I flew in from across the country. We’re all staying with our parents, who are not yet retired. My flight got in yesterday late at night, so I slept in. My parents went to work, my sister went to go do some shopping.

My sister-in-law stayed in with me, but I didn’t realize she was around until she came downstairs while I was making lunch. She’s pretty obviously pregnant, and I haven’t seen her since her wedding- so I was really excited to see her. She was not. I said hi, and went to hug her, and she backed away. I apologized, and she just kinda looked at me weird, and went looking through the fridge.

I tried to make small talk with her, so I asked when she was due. She gave me a really weird look, like I’d asked what her cup size was, and then just said March and kept making her food. I said I was really excited to have a niece or nephew, then asked if she wanted a boy or girl. She sighed really loudly, said she didn’t care, and moved on.

My sister had mentioned that her wife had PTSD due to a previous pregnancy, so I worried that might’ve been it. I tried to shift the subject, and asked how her work was. She set her knife down really loudly, stared at me for thirty seconds, then said “fine” and went into the dining room without saying anything else. Throughout the day, I kept just trying to interact with her.

Offered to get her a drink while I was in the room, she just muttered no, asked what she was watching, “you wouldn’t know it” (it was the *Simpsons*), said I was really glad she was spending the holidays with us, a very begrudging “yeah.” Really, I thought this must just be how she is. Then, my parents and sister came home, and she was super cheery and nice to them.

My dad was asking if they had names picked out, and she just wouldn’t stop chattering on. My sister said she wanted a family name, and her wife insisted on a unique name. My mom pointed out that my name (Anais) isn’t very common, but it’s also a family name (same as my grandmother), and they should consider it.

I said I wouldn’t mind having a niece with my same name, and my sister was really enthusiastic about it. Her wife gave me a death glare. I just ended up getting the silent treatment! At dinner, I asked if she would pass the potatoes, and she didn’t listen. I repeated myself, she ignored me, and then my sister told her I had asked for her to pass the potatoes.

Suddenly, she was all bubbly and giggling “guess I didn’t hear!” What do I do? Should I tell my sister? Directly challenge her? I have very positive relationships with my parents and my sister, and I want to be really involved with my niece/nephew, so I really don’t want to go 100% no contact or anything. How can I try to resolve or at least get over this?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  Whaaaat the actual f**k. I would talk about this privately with your parents and your sister. Because honestly, it sounds like there is a big underlying issue. Had you ever met her before? Even just briefly?

[Reddit User] −  Your situation actually pissed me off while reading this. Omg. I’d have a conversation with your sister and parents in private. Not sure how your family dynamics work, but I really think you should have a talk about this with the most appropriate person to go to. This is **not** okay.

Megaparsecular −  “Sister, you noticed that strange moment at dinner with the silence from your wife when I addressed her. I was hoping it was a one-off but she’s actually been pointedly cold and short with me since arriving. It’s important to me to be part of your life and part of your support system. I love you a lot so I’m asking if you know of any reason why I’m feeling very dismissed by her behavior.”

That’s what I’d say. She was pointedly, publicly rude to you. If she’s rude to you again, before or after you address it with your sister, call her on it kindly. “Is there an issue here I’m unaware of?” Ask it gently but with confidence. This is your home and your family, and you dont deserve her treatment, pregnant or not. If she denies it, “I’m glad to hear that. I’d hate for any issues in our family seeing as we all love you”. She’s being a b**t.

electric_monk −  just ask your sister privately ‘have i done anything to offend your wife? shes kindof short with me, but thought it might just be because she tired with the pregnancy. im trying not being sensitive here, because i really want to spend more time with you both. i just want to know if theres anything ive done wrong’

Inevitablename −  You’ll never know unless you reach out to your sister, but here’s an uncomfortable possibility: just because she is your sister’s wife doesn’t mean she will ever be nice to you, or kind to you, or sisterly with you. Which is a crying shame because you sound quite nice and like you’ve been trying, so absent some backstory where you drop kicked her dog off a balcony, who knows why she’s like this to you?

All you can do is be polite and kind to her at all times. But it is very clear she doesn’t want to be close with you. You are entitled to her being polite to you, though, so for that reason alone, if you are close with your sister, just ask her in person if there’s any reason you may have offended or hurt her wife. It may not fix anything but it should put her on notice for things like passing you the frigging potatoes. How petty of her.

strawberryblonde20 −  So you said that the longest time you spent with her was camping (from a previous comment) and the wedding. Could you elaborate on the wedding? Did you interact with her at all? Were you in your sister’s bridal party? But I agree with other commenters, you’ve just gotta talk to your sister and/or parents to see what can change to make this better for the rest of your stay.

eshtive353 −  Talk to your sister and ask if your SIL has any issues with you. That being said, you can’t force her to like you. All you should expect is that she stays civil with you when you two have to see each other.

asymmetrical_sally −  The only thing that I can think of is that maybe SIL got used to the family dynamic while you’re away across the country, and your presence is a harsh reminder that she’s not a “real” daughter, and you are. It could be jealousy coupled with pregnancy hormones, like somehow you’re challenging her place in the family.

Anyway, I’d ask your sister first. “Have I done something to offend Patricia? It really seems that she’s upset with me about something, but I really can’t figure out why.” And if your sister doesn’t know or won’t say, you can gingerly ask your SIL herself.

ussass −  Maybe you should just directly ask SIL when you two are alone. “SIL, I don’t mean any trouble, but have I done something to upset you? If so, I apologize” and go from there

Should the user confront their sister-in-law directly or speak with their sister about the tension? How would you handle a situation where you feel excluded and misjudged by a family member, especially during a special time like the holidays? Share your advice and experiences below.