my (14m) family is falling apart

A 14-year-old boy is struggling with a family situation where his dad’s mental health has spiraled since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. His brother has developed a drinking problem, and their parents’ relationship has deteriorated. His father’s behavior is unpredictable, and his mother is emotionally and financially overwhelmed, leaving the teen feeling extremely stressed and unable to focus.

‘ my (14m) family is falling apart’

Up until about March 2020, my family was fine, my parents were divorced on very good terms (had been for 9 years) But right as the covid restriction began, my dad pretty much began losing it. In turn, this really screwed up my 18 year old brother, who turned to drinking. This is how things were for a while, until about august, when my brother got a dui. Wrecking a car my dad had just bought him. And my dad isn’t rich by any means. He’s unemployed, with virtually no money. At this point my dad went virtually insane.

Then, my dog, and cat died. Not exactly helping. Then, in december my dad finally decided to go to an impatient facility, he came out two weeks later, feeling good. For about a week. He went back a month later. Same deal, felt good a week, went back. And now we’re here. He came out, same thing.

But now, he’s totally estranged. He told my mom “I loathe you, f**k you.” and won’t give her back the $6000 he owes her. So my mom is also financially fucked up now. My brother is in constant conflict with my mom, and my mom is crying almost everyday. I just don’t know what to do, I’m mind bogglingly stressed everyday and can’t focus on anything. Tl;dr: family coming apart, dad resents mom for no reason, 18 yo brother picking up drinking.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

purplepluppy −  The best way to support your family is to support yourself. It sounds selfish, but if you spiral with your family, you won’t be able to do anything to help at all. You are under so much pressure, but you are not alone. You can get through this. What can you do to take care of yourself? Would staying with friends or other family help you feel safer? Are you open to speaking with a therapist? Would finding a support group where you can speak with people in similar situations help?

Even starting just by opening up to a teacher you trust or a school counselor who can help you find the resources you need could be an excellent first step. But please do what you need to do to keep yourself safe and sane. We love you so much.

Gold_Composer7556 −  About the only advice I can give is don’t drink, smoke, toke, or do drugs. Don’t even do it once. Addiction sneaks up on you. You don’t even realize it until it’s too late, and then you’re stuck with it even if you quit and go sober. It really screws up your life. The reason I’m giving you this advice is because you seem to be at the perfect point in your life for addiction to strike. I can’t give advice to fix what’s going on in your life, but I can give advice on how to avoid what has screwed up my life.

forelisabethonly −  It’s normal to want to help your family. It’s normal to feel guilty that you can’t help them now because you are 14yo. Spend as much time on sleep overs with relatives and friends as possible. Try to go to summer camp this summer, either as a camper or counselor. Be around as many healthy ppl as possible as much as possible. Join after school activities. Join a homework club. Babysit. Go to the mall. Talk to your youth pastor if you are involved in that world. In short, take care of yourself everyday. Really focus on yourself and your well-being. You will get through this. You will be okay. Take it one day at a time.

alkynesoflove −  This is not your fault. You are amazing just for looking for ways to fix this. Do you have any friends that you can talk to or grandparents that you can stay with? I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. Try to focus on hobbies and other ways to deal with the stress you are dealing with. Maybe join some clubs at school or a sport if you can. Try to talk with your brother about how you are feeling if you feel like you can trust him.

Mountain-Buddy-6881 −  i feel like I should be mad at the wholesome award but that actually gave me a good laugh lmfao.

gobsmacked247 −  You are 14. None of this should be on your shoulders. You didn’t make your brother drink and drive and you certainly didn’t turn your dad into an addict. Your mom is struggling as well and when both parents are not being very parental, life can s**k. Just don’t own it. Do you have relatives around that you can lean on/live with?

[Reddit User] −  Oh honey I’m so sorry I can’t give you advice. Where are you located? Maybe update that and people can be more specific with resources.

sqitten −  You need to focus on yourself. You can’t help your family. But are your needs being met? If not, are there ways you can get help for yourself?

ThePizzaGirl −  I’m so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. As others have already mentioned, their issues are not your issues. Try and focus on making sure you have what you need to be okay and try and leave their problems to them.

Your father and brother both need to work some stuff out themselves it sounds like, no one will be able to help either of them until they are ready to receive help. So don’t take their problems on your shoulders. Let them know you love them and care about their wellbeing, but they shouldn’t try and push their problems onto you. You’re too young for that. You don’t need to feel responsible for them and their life choices.

Your mom is obviously dealing with a lot, I assume she works to try and make ends meet and your dad refusing to pay her back what he owes adds extra stress. From what he said to her it sounds like he might hold something against her, maybe from their divorce or before, but that’s also for him to work out. It’s now your mom’s job to focus on providing for herself, you, and your brother, until your brother decides to move out and provide for himself.

From what you’ve written, it sounds like you and your brother live with your mom. If that’s accurate, and you are on good terms with her, my suggestion would be to maybe talk to her and see if there are small things you could do to help her out. It doesn’t have to be big things, you’re only 14 and you’re not expected to become the man of the house.

Find small things around the house you could do to help take some stress off of her so she can focus on providing for you. Clean up around the house or make a meal or two a week. You don’t need to go out and find a job. Again, you’re only 14, your job is to focus on your schooling and get good grades to be able to graduate and set up a better future for yourself.

It’s good to see that you are trying to seek advice somewhere. If there is extended family or close friends you could also reach out to if you feel that’s necessary, that might be a good step to take as well. I wish you well and hope you have a positive update to report in the future 💖

annbrke −  This hit hard for me, I could have written this at 14. Suddenly, my stable parent became an a**oholic, and I experienced a lot of the loss that you are describing.. What I wish I knew at that age:
1.) You aren’t responsible for parenting your parents. At 14, you don’t have the capacity to handle a parents problems, and that’s okay. It’s okay to be selfish and put yourself first.

2.) Don’t be silent- tell your aunts or uncles, your teachers, your counselors. It’s not loyalty to keep everything inside, because your parents and you are struggling. There are so many resources out there to help you.
3.) Never engage anyone when they are drunk. The promises they make will not be kept, they can go from happy to angry for no reason. You can’t help them overcome their addiction.
I know you are going through difficult times, but it does get better. I can’t guarantee your family will get better, but YOU will be fine.