MIL Took My Text About the Kids Really Badly—Now I’m the Villain?
First, please read my original post: https://aita.pics/DCIKa
‘ MIL Took My Text About the Kids Really Badly—Now I’m the Villain?’
Here’s the message I sent my MIL that she later called “cruel”: “I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind since Sarah’s recent incident —and considering that she herself mentioned she didn’t want the kids there—I’m feeling hesitant about having them over or spending the night when she’s around. I understand it’s your home, but I also know it’s hard to control Sarah’s actions, and I’m just trying to make sure the kids are in a calm and safe environment. I’d love for you and Jon to spend as much time with them as you want outside of the house. Thanks for understanding.”
So, after sending this, I hoped it would open up a respectful dialogue, but she never responded to me directly. Instead, she called my husband. She said my text was cruel, claimed it left her “shocked and heartbroken,” saying she didn’t sleep and it was the worst night of her life after reading it. Then launched into a list of grievances about me that went back two years. According to her, I’ve “been disrespectful” in the past and she often “turns the other cheek”.
The whole conversation turned into a pity party, with her trying to get sympathy from my husband and making me out to be this horrible person who’s unfair to her and FIL. She says she has built her life around her kids and their house is built around their grandkids. Not once did she say she understood that we’re just trying to protect our children or see it from our point of view.
The worst part? I was honestly just trying to communicate like an adult about something I thought was reasonable and in the best interest of my kids. I feel like I’m being punished for setting a normal and healthy boundary.
However, I do want to thank everyone here who offered advice on my last post.
After reading a lot of your comments, my husband realized he’s become desensitized to his sister and how truly harmful it can be to let our kids be exposed to that kind of trauma from another adult’s severe mental health issues. He did a good job defending me and not backing down against his mom. Having his support means a lot, and it’s reassuring to know we’re on the same page now.
To (hopefully) clear the air, I told my husband I’d call her today and try to talk things out. But I’m really not looking forward to it, especially since she already twisted my kind text to say it was “cruel” of me. I’m dreading that the conversation will just lead to more of her twisting things and painting me as the villain, but I’m hoping I can get through to her and at least find some common ground.
Any advice on handling this call or setting boundaries with her going forward would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again to everyone for helping us get to this point!
See what others had to share with OP:
Sugarbloomx − NTA. MIL’s overreacting big time. You set a reasonable boundary for your kids’ safety, not to attack her. Keep the call calm and focused. “This is about the kids, not you.” If she spirals, don’t take the bait – stick to your point, and if it gets out of hand, politely end the convo. Boundaries don’t make you a villain.
runtoaforest − This is ridiculous. Obviously, it’s not a good idea for your kids to go over there. Just say NO. Be the parent! You don’t need to call MIL or anything else. She can respect your decision or not. Who really cares what she thinks since this concerns your children’s safety.
Feeling_Wheel_1612 − Her own daughter is *literally suicidal*, and that text was “the worst night of her life?” Your MIL is not mentally well. At all. Maybe as a result of the stress of caretaking Sarah. Maybe as a baseline. Who knows.
You are not going to be able to talk this out rationally, because her reactions are completely distorted. So my advice would be to lower your expectations, say your piece but do not get invested in trying to persuade her to see your point of view.
And absolutely do not waver – your kids are not going back to that house. As a matter of fact, with this level of denial, I wouldn’t let my kids go to their house even if Sarah moved out, and no unsupervised visits. They clearly have no sense of what is or is not an appropriate environment. Her feelings about it are not your job to fix. She is a grown woman. If she needs therapy to deal with this decision, you aren’t the person to provide it.
beek_r − My advice would be to not call. You’ve tried a respectful, kind note, and that resulted in your MIL having a complete meltdown and was “shocked and heartbroken.” Your next attempt might end up with her being suicidal (just being dramatic). MIL doesn’t want a healthy relationship with you – she wants a s**pegoat. Let your husband deal with her, since he’s grown a spine, stick to your boundaries, and go live a happy life without her in it.
GrumpyLump91 − Make sure your husband is around during this conversation. Sounds like you should have a witness as MIL is the type to lie and try to spin things to make you the hated villain. Make sure you have receipts when this discussion turns to s**t.
iamasteriae − Speakerphone with husband in the room.
unknown_928121 − To (hopefully) clear the air, I told my husband I’d call her today and try to talk things out.. Don’t. It is his parents and his sister. He needs to handle the communications and any contact involving ypu should be had together. Anything you say privately/without him will be twisted and she’ll always be the accosted victim in her story.
ScowlyBrowSpinster − “I cannot understand how it is cruel to protect my children from verbally aggressive outbursts that could potentially turn physical. It’s not okay for my kids to ‘visit grandma’ and be subjected to this. Please explain how it is cruel to protect them from upset and worry, how your feelings are more important than their mental and physical wellbeing,”
H0bbituary − Honestly though, is your MIL even mentally healthy? Her dramatic tantrum doesn’t sound much different than her daughter’s tantrum. You’re obviously NTA. You’re also not being unreasonable for keeping your children away from violent tantrums of an adult that specifically says they don’t want them in the house. It would be so scary to your little one and your older child will take on blame and guilt that isn’t theirs. Your MIL is fully in the wrong.
BigWeinerDemeanor − Have you heard of triangulation? Cause that’s what she is doing to you and your husband. Seriously stop chasing her. You don’t have to make her understand and agree to your boundaries. You just have to set them and then live by them. You will never get her to agree that it’s the right thing for the kids because she doesn’t care what’s right for the kids.
She cares about what she wants; her son and the kids at the house and you out of her life. You have different goals and she won’t suddenly see reason. She doesn’t care to find common ground unless it is to push you off of. I wish you all the best but set a time when you drop the rope like in the fable.