Me (F26) found out that a friend (M30) thinks that we’ve been dating for months and I’ve been oblivious, how do I tell him I’m not interested?

A 26-year-old woman finds herself in a misunderstanding when her friend, introduced by their families, believes they’ve been dating for months—while she’s been completely unaware. Now, she’s struggling with how to gently clarify her lack of romantic interest while preserving their friendship. Read her story below.

‘ Me (F26) found out that a friend (M30) thinks that we’ve been dating for months and I’ve been oblivious, how do I tell him I’m not interested?’

So our parents are friends and they introduced us last September because we have a lot of common interests. I’m an introvert and don’t have a lot of friends but he seemed really nice if very quiet and we get along pretty well. I’m awful at picking up on things in social situations (reading the room, facial expressions, between the lines, etc) so I thought we were great friends.

My mom just asked when we were “making things official” because she wanted to let everyone know we are dating and it caught me off guard. She explained that everyone (including him) thought we were dating and just hadn’t made it official. He’s very sweet but my mental health is not in a good place and I feel no romantic connection to him whatsoever, but I’d still like to be friends.

I have a “date” with him later today and now I feel awful and I’m nervous where I wasn’t before. How do I let him know I’m not interested and didn’t mean to lead him on? Tldr; Guy thinks we are dating, I had no idea and I’m not interested. How do I let him (gently) know I’m not interested?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

BreqsCousin −  “You’ll never guess what, my mum thinks we’re dating! Isn’t that bizarre? I told her we’re definitely friends, not romantic. Has your mum said anything? I think people of their generation can be weird about men and women being friends.” Let him have the plausible deniability. You do lose out on the chance to know if he ever thought it was anything else, but I think that’s an acceptable loss in the circumstances.

__ER__ −  Don’t automatically assume he agrees with your mom. And be honest with him, that’s all.

hopingtothrive −  Do you kiss, hold hands, talk about how many children you want, send each other kissy face emojis, gaze into each other’s eye over a romantic dinner? How often do you go out on real dates? If not, why would a grown man think you are dating?

Skittle_Sniper −  I operate by a simple rule: if we haven’t had a conversation out loud that used the words “dating/exclusive,” don’t f**king assume we are. Regardless of what your guy says, remember it’d be on him for assuming something of you without a discussion.

geekroick −  This is bizarre. Do you meet up regularly? If so, does he try to kiss you or touch you in a couples type way?

Doughchild −  Are you sure that he thinks that or that it’s just your mom thinking that? Why does she think that she has a right to tell everyone your news? Wouldn’t you tell the relevant people if there is something to share? This smells a lot like the mothers sitting together and dreaming and now putting on pressure, not that he thinks the same.

Just bring up that it’s funny how your mom tries to force romance where there is none. You’ll find out yourself then what he thinks about this. It’s going to be painful every time if he has expectations that aren’t coming true, but you’re not responsible for what’s in his head. There is no real gentle way to tell him. So just be honest.

ShelfLifeInc −  She explained that everyone (including him) thought we were dating and just hadn’t made it official. How incredibly rude and presumptuous of everyone. This isn’t your failing. You’ve done nothing wrong. And unless your friend is *very* neurodivergent, it’s unlikely he thinks you’re dating unless he has:

Tried physical affection (put his arms around you, hold hands, tried to kiss you). Described you guys having out as “dates” Tried to take you to stereotypical date places (dinners at nice restaurants, walks in the park) or make chivalrous gestures (buy you flowers, open doors for you).

If he just assumed you guys are dating because you’re two people of the opposite s** that regularly hang out, that HIS mistake. But quite frankly, my guess is that this is your mother’s meddling (spreading misinformation to others, trying to strong-arm you into a relationship) than anything else.

Agile_Opportunity_41 −  Have you kissed ? It could just be your mom thinking this

torndownunit −  I am unclear here. So he hasn’t told you this, or attempted a ‘move’ on you in months? And you are basing this off what your Mom said? I think you should simply ask him what’s going on first, then just politely tell him what’s up. I mean, I’m a sensitive dude to the point of being a wimp, and I’d always much rather just have someone tell me something directly. Edit:. I can’t pick up signs well either. But someone not making a move in months is kind of a different thing. Or not talking about it for months. That is just so odd.

bookstacksamber −  After reading your update, please be cautious talking to your therapist about as***ality if you’re not sure they’re an ally. There are still a lot of people in the field who think as***ality is a mental illness or a simply a symptom of depression. I’ve seen way too many people in the community get hurt by their therapists who said really vile things to them when they tried to come out or get guidance when trying to figure out their s***ality.