Me [36F] with my ex boyfriend [36M] of over 10 years, his wife [40F] has alienated him from all his friends and family and has started messaging me on Facebook

A Reddit user shared their concerns about their ex-boyfriend’s wife, who has alienated him from his friends and family. After cutting off his loved ones, the wife began sending invasive messages.

Asking for bizarre favors and revealing unsettling details about their relationship. Unsure how to help from afar, the user is seeking advice on navigating this delicate and troubling situation. Read the full story below.

‘ Me [36F] with my ex boyfriend [36M] of over 10 years, his wife [40F] has alienated him from all his friends and family and has started messaging me on Facebook’

My ex boyfriend (Bill) and I were together for 10 years from the ages of 15 to 25, we lived together for the last 5 years of the relationship. We broke up very amicably with zero hard feelings. We just realised that we had both grown up into two very different people than we were at 15.

I am still friendly with his mother and his brother (Fred 39M) through facebook, Bill is also friends with my family members, and we have lots of mutual friends. After we broke up we remained friends and a couple of years later I meet my wonderful husband (38M) and I now have a gorgeous little girl (4).

Bill also met his current wife (Fiona) around the same time I met my husband. We’ve both met each others’ spouse and have gotten along well. Over time Bill and I grew even further apart and only exchanged niceties over facebook once in a while, again no hard feelings, it’s all part of growing up.

The problems started when I fell pregnant with my daughter. Bill and Fiona have had trouble conceiving and while I sympathize with the struggle they’re having it has started affecting their relationships with our mutual friends.

Fiona started getting a little unhinged (for lack of better term) when she found out I was pregnant and told Bill he couldn’t contact me anymore. I didn’t really care, I understand it must be hard for her so I didn’t say anything at all as it’s none of my business.

After that she started defriending and blocking all of our mutual friends who were pregnant or had kids. This hurt my best friend’s (Anne) feelings as she was also Bill’s best friend. Anne moved across the country and Fiona told Bill that he couldn’t see Anne when she came to visit which hurt Anne even more.

I got pissed at Bill and even though I wanted to stay out of it I had to tell him how much he hurt Anne. He told me that he would make an effort next time she visited but he never did. Now Fiona and Bill have moved halfway around the world to Australia, she has cut off all contact with his family.

Bill’s older brother Fred had a baby recently and Fiona instantly defriended Fred and his wife as well as Bill and Fred’s mother. She refuses to let Bill spend time with his family over the holidays and wouldn’t let him stay with his family when he came back to visit without her.

I have largely stayed out of this because I DO NOT want to get involved with the crazy, but recently Fiona has started emailing me (she got my email from Bill’s account) and has told me that I should stop talking to all our mutual friends so she can add them back on facebook (what the ever loving f**k).

She’s also telling me very personal details about their relationship and asking my advice which is just crazy. She wants me to write up a statement that says that my ex has autism (he doesn’t) so she can give it to his doctor. I haven’t responded to any of her emails and I don’t know what to do.

I have had zero contact with Bill over the last 2 years (since I talked to him about Anne) and am getting all this information from our mutual friends. This woman is obviously disturbed and as much as I want to stay out of it she’s hurting people I care about and I think might be emotionally abusing my ex (who may be a pushover but is a genuinely nice guy).

What can I do to help him reddit? I’m 100% sure she’s reading his emails and facebook so I can’t message him privately, also he lives in another country so I can’t try to meet up with him. There is definitely something wrong with her and I want to try to help her out too.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Green7000 −  I would forward all the messages first to his family asking if they know what’s going on. Next I would forward them to Bill’s email saying you got these messages and are really worried. Even if she can see them she knows that she can’t get to him through you.
Unfortunately what you can do is limited.

They’re in a different country, you don’t have any means of communication, you could call the police in that country but I don’t know if they’ll be able to do anything. Ultimately he’s an adult so unless there’s proof that she’s abusing him or holding him against his will there’s not much you or his family and friends can do.

GeorgeFayne −  She wouldn’t let him stay with his family when he visited without her? That is some serious crazy right there, and I mean both that she would think she could make him do that, AND that he would comply!

I mean, if he’s in another country and won’t stay with his own family because she, half a world away, forbade it… I don’t think there’s really anything you can do for him if he won’t help himself.

[Reddit User] −  You can’t help him. He is a grown man, and needs to handle his s**t. It sucks, I understand wanting to reach out but seriously, you have your own family to worry about. Stay out of it. Ignore his wife, and continue on with your life. Remember, he is a grown up. You cannot help him if he isn’t willing to help himself. Don’t get involved.

nontal −  I second /u/Green7000 – forward the e-mails to Bill’s family and then to Bill, then leave it at that.

[Reddit User] −  Maybe reach out with your concerns to Fred, since you stayed friendly with him. I’m sure he has similar reservations about Fiona and maybe you validating them will help him support Bill as he deal with his wife’s issues and/or abuse. I don’t know what else you can do, since they live far away and you don’t have any contact with Bill.

Eshlau −  One of my exes, years back, started dating a really toxic woman shortly after we broke up (but remained friends). It started small- isolation, pitting herself against his family and friends to make him choose, etc.

Then it became crazy. Physical, psychological, and verbal abuse, lies to police and family/friends, threatening/cheerful/paranoid messages to his family and friends depending on what mood she was in. It was horrible, to watch that happen to someone I cared about. Eventually he and I just stopped talking.

It was easier for him to just do what she wanted. The thing is, when all that was going on, all I could do was make sure that he and anyone else that might be affected were aware of what was going on (forwarding her messages, warning mutual friends if they were mentioned,

making sure his family was aware of what was happening- I was friends with his sister), make sure he knew that I would always be around to support him if he ever wanted to get out of that situation, and tell him about resources in our community for victims of domestic violence.

Everything else was up to him. It’s the same with Bill. He will ultimately have to decide when he just can’t do it anymore and needs to get out. Right now, it seems like you’ve done what you can. If you have any contact with Bill further, I would just let him know that you’ll be happy to help/support him if need be,

and that he still has friends. Everything else is up to him. I think you’re handling this pretty well, though. It seems like you have a level head on your shoulders, and haven’t let this pull you into the craziness. Keep maintaining a distance, that’s my best advice.

amamcb −  This is a tough one. Wow, just wow. The toughest part about this is how you can’t really talk to Bill without knowing that she’s not going to read it. And once she does you’ve just opened up another can of worms for yourself and you won’t be able to stop the influx of messages you’ll be receiving.

I’m wondering if it would be inappropriate to contact somebody in his family and let them know that they really need to contact Bill and talk to him. He’s allowed to have contact with his family. It’s not fair that he can’t talk to his friends nor his family,

and it’s not fair that you are getting inappropriate messages saying that you have to quit talking to friends so she can add them back onto Facebook after she deleted them? Did I read that right? It just kept getting crazier and crazier. It makes sense that you want to help him.

I think maybe getting someone in his family to talk to him might help, I’m not sure. Unless there is a way you think you could call him if you know she might be at work or something along that nature. Apparently she is gonna lose her s**t if anybody talks to him but he needs to hear this and get her out of his life immediately,

even if he has to get the police involved because she really sounds like something else and he can clearly do without her and get somebody else in his life.

Otherwise maybe you have to just leave this be and hope he figures this out on his own sometime soon because it may just be something that you can’t solve. If you have to, block her from everything.

[Reddit User] −  I think the question is whether or not to let Bill and his family/close friends know what is happening. Especially the autism thing makes me think this woman is trying to destroy him.

Of course first you have to ask yourself whether it’s worth the risk. How crazy you think this woman is and how much you might fear her and is it worth it. It is NOT an easy decision and no one can make it for you, and I can tell you I have been on the wrong side of crazy people and it’s not fun. Good luck.

Strangeandweird −  Can you find his number and call him? It might be listed somewhere on the web. Just tell him you wanted to say hi. How he reacts might give you more clues although at the end of the day there’s very little you can do other than passing on the emails to his family.

The call might reestablish some mode of communication so he isn’t completely isolated but he can’t be helped unless he wants it for himself.

This situation highlights the complexities of intervening in someone else’s relationship, especially when emotional abuse might be involved. How would you handle a situation where someone you care about seems to be isolated and controlled? Share your thoughts below!