Me [36 M] married to my Wife [36 F] 11 years, and I can’t stop thinking about a girl I dated for 1 month 16 years ago.

A married man of 11 years finds himself preoccupied with thoughts of a brief relationship from his past after a vivid dream labeled the ex-girlfriend as “the one that got away.” Despite having a healthy relationship with his wife, he’s now grappling with unresolved feelings and memories of a relationship that ended abruptly 16 years ago.

Unsure how to process these emotions, he’s debating whether to bring this up with his wife or seek closure on his own. Read the full story below for more context.

‘ Me [36 M] married to my Wife [36 F] 11 years, and I can’t stop thinking about a girl I dated for 1 month 16 years ago.’

I have what I consider to be a good healthy relationship with my wife. For some reason though, I recently am unable to stop thinking about a girl I dated 16 years ago, for the entirety of a month. The relationship was normal for 2 20 year olds. We liked to low key hangout, and have lots of s**.

The relationship ended abruptly one day. She and I hung out with a group of people on Saturday night, did our normal at home thing, then got up Sunday and went to a friend’s college graduation party. Then, as I remember it, she seemed super distant, and just up and left. That was the end of it.

I remember at the time I took the breakup really hard. Called off work 3 days, got super drunk, cried to my friends. The other night I had a dream about her, and in the dream I kept calling her “the one that got away”. I know that isn’t true in any sense of the word.

We definitely both went completely different directions in life as far as I know. I dont really know much about her, as we completely stopped talking at the end of our relationship, and never stayed friends.

Ever since that dream, I have been rehashing those 4-5 weeks, 16 years ago, over and over again in my mind. It’s driving me nuts. I am not sure how to bring this up to my wife, or even if I should mention it.

I’ve read a few self help articles saying this all really points to me just never getting closure on the relationship. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.. —

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Normalityisrestored −  Don’t mention this to your wife, this is your mid life crisis problem to deal with. You are fearing ageing and fearing growing older with things ‘undone’. This isn’t about that girl 16 years ago, it’s about you worrying about all the things you haven’t done with your life.

Therapy for you, or lean to deal with the fact that you are going to get older and there will always be ‘other things’ that you can’t be a part of.

Bama_10 −  Yeah… definitely don’t mention that to the wife

embinksyy −  A lot of the time it’s easy to romanticize something that happened forever ago because you forget about the bad parts and all the reasons that person wasn’t meant for us. Just remember that it ended for a reason and you love your wife.

nyet-marionetka −  Don’t mention it to your wife, odds are in another month this girl will have completely left your mind but your wife still might be anxious if you tell her. This means literally nothing besides that you’re temporarily stuck going “what if?”

It’s not about this girl at all, she would be a total stranger to you now and was pretty much a total stranger to you while you were dating her for barely enough time for a mouse to gestate a litter. It’s not even about the lack of closure—what closure do you need from something that barely began?

You just are in a rut we sometimes get into where your life is good but you wonder if it could have been better. Concentrate on what you have, and if you have areas of dissatisfaction, think of ways to improve those in future.

With the weather warming up, see if you can get out of the house and do something new with your wife (stay COVID safe though). And don’t give these thoughts more weight than they actually have.

thedarkestbeer −  I really don’t think it’s about closure, which is a nebulous concept at best. Sometimes, brains just latch onto things to worry at for a bit. The story you have about this relationship might have some symbolic value for you right now, too.

Are you, as u/Normalityisrestored suggested, feeling some FOMO? Are you feeling some loss of control and fixating on a different situation where you felt like you didn’t have control? Is there a part of yourself that was more front-and-center in that relationship or in that time of your life that you now miss?

LawEtAl −  I think it’s natural to get nostalgic about our younger years with fresher bodies and fewer worries… so yeah as someone who is also in his mid 30s I don’t love the amount I have to think about retirement planning now as compared to how little I worried about my job back then.

I remember taking multiple days off from work for a bender when i turned 21. I can’t even fathom what that would feel like now! At some point it’s worth talking to your wife about how you feel about approaching middle age, and how every step further from youth makes you feel.

She probably wants to share the same with you. But I don’t think it’s great to specifically share “i keep thinking about the great s** i had with this one girlfriend. I wish we had done it more!”

There’s probably a better way to talk about what you’re nostalgic about from that time in your life, just in more generic terms with respect to your s** life back then

tangerine-trees- −  You should speak to a therapist about this, not your wife. It’s really bizarre to be this hung up on the relationship still, it’s not healthy to fixate on basically a stranger like this. You barely knew this girl. Telling your wife will do nothing but cause her pain.

Chazzyphant −  I found myself in a bit of a similar situation and after some soul searching I realized I wanted access to the **memories of me at a young age** that he had. Not him!

So maybe ask yourself “what is it about this person I really want?” validation? adventure? access to someone who knew you when you were young? Then see if there’s a less destructive way to get that.

[Reddit User] −  i think there’s a slight shift in thinking that could really change your perspective on this. it’s just a dream. a dream of a wonderful time that… in a vacuum… you’d like to go back to for a short stay now & again. who wouldn’t?

a great short young love affair is a wonderful experience to have that produces memories that can be enjoyed for a lifetime. but all it is, is a dream. an intense one. one that has crept into waking life. but still, it is not just a dream… but a memory & a fantasy. it is not something real. remember that.

it is not something real. if you don’t agonize over it, but simply accept it, eventually it will go away. agonizing & worrying is the real threat here. so hell… why not just enjoy the fantasy? this dream has brought back intense feelings.

why not ride them out & j**k off like a maniac to this fantasy for a week or two or whatever. why not burn the fantasy out, bonfire style, masturbating like a 13 year old… instead of the slow agonizing burn of anxiety of guilt? maybe there’s a choice here. think about it. good luck!!

randomtrue5678 −  I think it’s east to feel this way because you are probably nostalgic for that time of life and because you had no closure. Maybe write a letter and then go somewhere and burn it?