Me [35F] found out my mother contacted the family that adopted my son, to ask for money

A Reddit user reveals a heartbreaking situation involving her estranged mother, her decision to place her son for adoption 16 years ago, and her ongoing efforts to repair their fractured relationship.

She recently discovered her mother had contacted her son’s adoptive family behind her back, painting a false picture of her life and asking them for financial help. Now grappling with anger and betrayal, she’s seeking advice on how to handle this breach of trust. Read the full story below.

‘ Me [35F] found out my mother contacted the family that adopted my son, to ask for money’

I placed my son up for adoption almost 16 years ago. It was a decision I came to on my own but it did come with the added pressure of my mom specifically telling me I would no longer be her daughter if I choose to keep my baby. This was huge for me because I am an only child. It was the most difficult thing to do and I struggle with the emotions of it daily.

It was an open adoption and I have the ability to reach out and get pictures/updates whenever I like. I did that for a few years but then it just became easier to move on by not knowing. I knew I had made the right decision and the family taking my son was amazing.

I also ended up not speaking to my mother for six years after because of the way she treated me during my pregnancy. It took years of therapy and a lot of forgiveness to even be in the same room as her. I made peace with her for the sake of the rest of our family (i.e. cousins, aunts, grandma’s).

At the same time my mothers health was deteriorating and I found out through some family she wasn’t working, had divorced her second husband and was homeless living in her car. I had moved away and was doing well enough financially. I succumbed to the guilt provided by my family and agreed to move her in with me and help her get the proper care.

It wasn’t ideal but I made it work. Got her healthy and got her into some housing and our relationship has been ok. Fast forward to July of 2018. I had lost my job, and in general things weren’t working in my favor. Mid-life crisis status but with all things I knew this too would pass and a year from now this would not matter.

I had a plan of action and knew things would get better I just needed time. Things did get better, got a new job, moved to a new city, celebrated my birthday and on vacation until January 2nd. Things were great up until this morning.

I’m visiting out of town with some family, which includes my mother. My mom approached me about having issues with her computer/phone I paid for/bought and asked if I could help. She handed them over and I started troubleshooting. As I’m going through I notice her computer has several tabs open and I start closing things and un-cluttering the mess.

Next thing I see is an open email from August between the man who adopted my child and my mother. She is basically telling him how bad my life is because of her and her health issues and I lost my job and she needs to speak with him to ask for any kind of help.

The last email is them exchanging phone numbers. I’m beyond upset now and don’t even know what to do or say going forward. I’ve locked myself in the bedroom and trying to wrap my head around this. Thanks for reading.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

awashpanache −  I would contact the family first personally. Your mother isn’t able to be honest or tell the truth, and what she did was a huge breach of trust. I would just apologize for your mother’s behavior and tell them that her contacting them was not you. That way you can still have that pathway open for you in case future contact with your child is wanted.

PM_TITS_OR_DONT −  Wow. Ok, so first of all, you should reach out to the couple that adopted your child and tell them that you just found out your mother reached out and was asking them for money. Tell them you hope they didn’t send her anything because this was done entirely without your knowledge, under false pretenses,

and that they should never feel they have to give you OR your family any money, ever. Second, have it out with your mom. She has some f**king nerve trying to capitalize on your pregnancy after how she treated you. And all of her apologies are called completely into question now that you know she did this.

niobiumnnul −  Reach out to the family personally, apologize for your mother’s manipulation, offer to repay anything they sent to her (if you are able), request that they dismiss/ignore any further requests from your mother, and then go no contact with your mother. This individual sounds toxic. Any involvement you have with her will be opening yourself up for stuff like this.

PigeonsOnYourBalcony −  Your mother threatened to cut you out of her life because of the child and now she’s using that same connection for financial gain. Completely disgusting thing to do and I really don’t think I could forgive my mother for that.. ​

If I were you, I would contact the family and apologize for your mother. Explain how she’s being m**ipulative and that they shouldn’t be supporting her financially. If you are able, I would consider trying to pay back some of the money your mother accepted and try to handle this with as much as as possible..

If you never want a relationship with your son, that’s perfectly fine and something most people would understand. If you ever change your mind, you want to keep that door open but regardless,

you wouldn’t want that family to be financially strained by your mother. That’s not fair to them and that strain certainly is not fair to a 16 year old who’s probably planning on going to college in a few years.

kaoutunu −  Since your mom has been telling lies to solicit money, check on other ways she may have done this, for example opening credit cards or loans in your name. Get your credit reports and lock down your credit. Ask around your family and friends to see if anyone else has heard a sad tale of misfortune from her which required cash to fix.

Has anything of value gone missing? To stoop this low for money could indicate either a d**g or gambling addiction; or could be plain old greed. Either way I’d consider she’s burned all her chances for this lifetime and if you choose to have anything further to do with her it should be on a tough love basis.

huxley00 −  You’re mom is a m**ipulative l**atic. I’d take this over to /r/raisedbynarcissists. Your mom doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Someone has to be sorry for you to forgive them. It sounds like she’s never changed.

belgiantwatwaffles −  Well, first I would pack my bags and leave, after telling her what sick POS she is. Then I’d email the man from my personal email address so that they know it’s not from my mother, and tell them the truth, and not to give her any money. Then I’d block her from my life, and I’d never look back.

kaitou1011 −  Send him an email. “This is Tapjama, I just came across an exchange that my mother initiated with you where she seemed to be asking you for money. My mom is completely wrong to have done that, even if I was in a bad place, which I wasn’t. I wasn’t aware she was going around using my name and lies to try to get money off anyone.”

Now, you can either try to get some details out of them, which I’d suggest doing through some sort of “I have no idea how her correspondence with you went after you exchanged phone numbers over email, but I’d like to offer whatever I can do to make right what she did” and see what they tell you.

Or you can confront your mom right now, before you sent the email, about what she did and figure out what she actually did so you know specifically if she got money from them. If she says they didn’t give her money, inform her you’ll be contacting them and confirming her story considering the exchange itself proves she’s willing to lie for money,

so if she’s lying you’ll know soon enough. Don’t give her time between asking her and contacting them if you get a story at all. If she says she did get any money at all, tell them, “I’ve confronted my mother and she said you gave her money. I want to offer you that money back. How much did she take and how do you want me to return it? Cheque, paypal, cash, ect?”

You could also try to do this over the phone with the number she got, though depending on how her contact with them went, you might find the number disconnected (worse case scenario, you can know she burned them bad if you find this)

or that they won’t give you the chance to say your piece if she really hurt them in your name. Emailing gives you the chance to get all your apologies and “I had nothing to do with this I can’t believe she did that what can I do to fix its” out where they can read it before they respond. Your call.

murdershethrew −  if you found the open tab, she was probably looking up the phone number in order to call them to ask for more money. Call them right away tell them you don’t need anything and to disregard any communication from her.

tezoatlipoca −  Wow. Your mother is a real …. piece of work. I have more uncharitable words to describe her but thats neither here nor there.
So first off, you’ve already moved on from any relationship with the adoptive parents, so technically there’s nothing for you to do here.

However, two things. First off your mother is tarnishing your reputation. Second, Im sure the adoptive parents would have been quite fine to not hear from you or your mom ever again. Im sure they’re quite sincere in wanting to support you keeping involved in your child’s life… but as an adoptive child myself whose bio parents remained unknown to me,

I could imagine the shock on my adoptive parents if my birth mother (or grandmother) showed up one day, blamed ME and my existance for their s**tty lot in life, and demanded money. Thats some gall. The word unmitigated comes to mind. My mom, if she were still alive, would punch that person in the face.

Like, I don’t even understand how she thinks that should work? What do the adoptive parents owe her OR you? Bonkers. So, if I were you I’d get out in front of this one. Use your contacts with the adoptive parents and explain (Not in much detail) the situation, explain this your mom and NOT you,

you have nothing to do with this, and that any demands or requests from your mom can and should be safely ignored, or referred to their lawyer. p.s. thanks for giving my child a wonderful life and give them a big hug for me.

Then confront your mom. Explain what you did. “Were you snooping on my phone?” “No, mom. <bioparents still have my contact info from long ago, they said you reached out to them, they got concerned and reached out to me. Needless to say I was a bit shocked at what they had to tell me. Mom, do not contact them again and stay out of it!”

How would you confront a loved one about crossing such a personal boundary? Do you think this betrayal is something that can be forgiven, or does it call for a permanent boundary? Share your thoughts and advice below!