Me (29F) with husband (30M) who is a childcare know-it-all and isn’t letting me bond with baby (.08M) on my own.

A new mom struggling with severe postpartum depression shares her frustration with her husband and mother-in-law, who are constantly intervening in baby care. Despite their good intentions, their overbearing approach makes her feel inadequate and robs her of the chance to bond with her newborn. She’s seeking advice ahead of couples’ counseling to address this dynamic. Read on for her story and insights.

‘ Me (29F) with husband (30M) who is a childcare know-it-all and isn’t letting me bond with baby (.08M) on my own.’

We’ve managed to start a family. Life is tough with a one-month old but I’m afraid my husband’s very helpful behavior is actually very unhelpful. My husband grew up in a big family and is very familiar/comfortable with the care of children and babies, including small infants. I had the opposite experience. When we decided to have a baby, for me it was kind of as if we’d decided to start a llama farm. I had zero experience or prior knowledge and I had to do (and still do) a ton of research.

It doesn’t help that I have severe PPD. I have already been seeing a therapist for a long time for depression/anxiety and have been put on an SSRI by my GP. So if you tell me to see a therapist and/or get medicated I’ll ignore you because I’ll know you haven’t even bothered to read my post. The problem is that my husband (and his mother, who is actually a lovely and helpful woman who is bugging me for the same reason he is) is always swooping in to show me how to actually do things.

I don’t have the muscle memory to execute the optimal way to fix a diaper or fill a formula bottle. My logical brain is confident that I’m not going to kill my baby but the depression and constant wearing down by husband and MIL is getting to me. They also know I’m not going to kill the baby but they always seem to know JUST what to do and when they see me struggling with something it’s like they’re hovering with itchy fingers just waiting to take over.

The even more annoying thing is they’re right; whatever they do to soothe the baby and get him to sleep works like a charm. So on top of knowing I need to learn this s**t myself I feel like a failure.

I feel watched and surveilled in my own home and like I’m not getting one-on-one time with the baby. I feel incompetent and helpless. I can feel learned helplessness setting in. I feel useless. I’ve chosen not to breastfeed for several reasons so it’s like the baby really doesn’t need me. (I logically know this isn’t true because of attachment and all that but again, the severe depression speaks.)

I know someone’s going to be like wHy dOn’T yOu JuSt TaLk tO HiM. Well no s**t, I HAVE. Multiple times. I’ve told him he needs to like, go out somewhere and take a break and just let me handle things so I can learn and bond with the baby on my own. He says “Okay, okay, I get it,” and then seems to promptly forget we ever had the conversation. He amazingly has selective amnesia regarding this specific topic. Ditto his MIL. He’s a very fatherly person so he wants to be all over the baby all the time, which obviously I get, but it results in this issue.

My family all lives far away so I’m stuck with these two. I really have vivid and deeply satisfying fantasies of taking my sharpest kitchen knife to both of their faces (which I want to say is just the PPD talking, but seriously I’m infuriated). But outwardly I’m too tired to protest. I’m tired all the time and I just want to be left alone. I feel like I’m being tortured in some kind of weird way and it kills me that we’re not all able to just chill and enjoy this special time with the newborn.

I told husband I think maybe we should try couples’ counseling and his jaw very nearly hit the floor. He’s a great guy overall obviously so he was open to this idea but I could tell he was totally dumbfounded and couldn’t tell what the problem was. So I told him I just don’t feel heard and I feel like both he and his mom are overbearing. So then he got sad and was all like “I’m just trying to help, I know it’s tough to be a new mom.” I got REALLY angry with him and said some not very nice things which I regret. My husband has (bizarrely) never dealt with mental illness so I think he’s really freaked out by the PPD.

Later I heard him talking to his mom in whispered and concerned tones about my mental health. So I feel like he is pathologizing this specific problem. I feel like I’m going crazy. Which I guess I already am. But you know. Is it going to kill either of them to watch me fumble a bottle or deal with a couple blowouts a few times?

My Amazing Husband I Can’t Complain About has already taken it on himself to find a couples’ counselor. Which obnoxiously is making me feel guilty, like, am I really complaining about nothing when I clearly have such a great guy? I mean, I know I’m not. But it’s driving me crazy.

Any advice in advance of us seeing this counselor would be really appreciated. TL;DR: MIL and Husband are childcare know-it-alls and preventing me from learning and bonding with the baby on my own. Yes, I talked to him and no, it hasn’t solved the problem.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

sleepfight −  You should tell him that you want MIL to leave and give you some space to be a new mom. You feel like it’s him and her vs. you. Tell him that you need him to back you up. It sounds like he’s smothering the hell out of you and that would drive anyone crazy. Get used to telling him and MIL to give you space. “I’m changing the diaper. Go into the other room and let me handle this,” or “I’m filling the bottle. Go sit down and do xyz.”

Get used to this phrase: “I am doing this thing. I will tell you if I want help.” When he forgets, reiterate that you are doing it and you will ask for help if you want it. Really nail it into him. Honestly, if you have to, drag him to the doctor with you and explain all this to the doctor.

EmilyofIngleside −  Just a practical suggestion, could you remind your husband that the hovering is making you angry and you need time to figure out the baby stuff on your own, so you’re going to pick a two hour block of time daily that is mom-baby time, and either everyone else has to go away or really truly commit to not intervening unless it’s an actual emergency.

I’d have picked the first two hours of the day because that’s when my babies were happy and fun, but evening bathtime/bedtime would be a great time to practice a whole bunch of feeding, bathing, diapering, dressing, and soothing skills. If you have a set window, it might reduce the effort required of you to push back if someone encroaches. Like instead of a whole explanation, you can just repeat “No, this is my time.”

dracenois −  Ok this might sound a little crazy….but my husband was in the same position as you (minus a MIL ‘helping’) with our first and I was in the your husbands position ( a lot of childcare experience, but I also had PPD/A). My husband told me multiple times to leave him be but my anxiety would get the better of me. Eventually he would put on a bright red t-shirt which we called his ‘I GOT THIS’ shirt.

When he had it on, nobody was to mess with what he was doing with babe. It was a big blaring visual reminder for me that he did not want help/suggestions/to be watched while with baby. He would put it on when he was going to practice/learn/figure out his own way of dealing with baby and it helped me sooooo much to know that when he was wearing it he didnt want anyones help. I wouldnt offer and he wouldnt feel like crap about it. That way he could communicate where he was at without having to verbalize/risk a fight.

ConsistentCheesecake −  The way I see it, you are doing tons of stuff right. You’ve talked to your husband about your concerns, and when he hasn’t listened, you have pointed out that he isn’t listening. You’ve told him you want to go to counseling. So on that front, I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you’ve done what you can. You’ve communicated. I really hope that the couples counselor helps.

My advice for things in addition to going to counseling is to phrase a request to your husband in terms of what you want him to do, not what you don’t want him to do. It looks to me like your husband sees that you are struggling with PPD and wants desperately to do something helpful, but the only way he can think of to help is to take over whatever task you are currently doing. Perhaps if you said, “can you please help me by letting me practice changing the diaper?” it would click a little better for him? If you directly phrase it as, “the way you can help me is by letting me bond with our baby right now.

Please go back to doing what you were doing before,” or “I know you want to help me, and I appreciate that. Right now you can help me by going for a walk and giving me some alone time,” etc. Also, does your MIL live with you two, and can she leave? I feel like living with your in laws always causes more problems than it solves, personally.

0biterdicta −  Couple’s counseling or solo counseling for him is a good idea. It sounds like your PPD is making him anxious, and he’s doing what a lot of people do in response to anxiety, try to reassert control over anything they can. He needs to find a healthier outlet for his anxiety than micromanaging you. Acknowledge his anxiety and concerns, then request ways to deal with it together.

nowandlater −  “.08M”. Never thought I’d see it written like that.

the-dre −  Sounds like you established a boundary (good) but that boundary is not being respected. Try to stay cool when one tries to swoop in and tell them that you need to practice and learn. Failure and Struggle are good teachers and you have to learn. Husband and MIL were not perfect baby caretakers when they first started and neither are you and that is OK.

donotpassgojustbail −  Go to the couples counselling and take it from there. I think him telling his mother about your problems is crossing the line as well. Does MIL live with you? If so then she needs to go.
Him being open to counselling is a start.

hanzup9118 −  Oh, mama. This sucks. It doesn’t s**k your baby is being taken care of or that you have care. But you should get to feel like a parent, too. If you aren’t sure what to do and don’t have the skillset the best thing I’d recommend to my patient would be skin to skin. Lots and lots of skin to skin time. Babies frikkin love it. Parents love it. Everyone loves a cuddle and it doesn’t require any special skills. Just snug you baby close to you. Don’t wait until they are upset (though it works a charm then) but do it when they are happy or just starting to get drowsy. It’s pretty magical.

DiTrastevere −  You’re not crazy. I don’t even have children and just reading this post gave me a sympathetic impulse to climb straight up a wall. This is so frustrating. I think a couples counselor is a very good idea. You need a third party in the room to make sure you’re heard and to help you articulate your feelings when you get stuck and o**rwhelmed. It IS important that you get a chance to learn and bond with your baby without anybody swooping in to correct you – not just for you, but for your child.

And it’s also important for you to feel respected and treated like a competent adult in your marriage. Your husband may think he’s being helpful, but what he’s actually being is overbearing and infantalizing. If he doesn’t trust you to figure out how to care for your own child, that’s a serious problem at the heart of your family that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.