Me [25F] with my BF [27M]’s mom … Asked her to teach some recipes and s**t hit the fan.

A Reddit user shared their frustration about being excluded from their boyfriend’s family tradition of Friendsgiving. Despite explaining their reasons for wanting to skip, such as their baby being only a few weeks old and needing rest, the boyfriend became upset and accused them of not being a “cool” mom or partner.

The user feels overwhelmed and unsupported in her desire to prioritize her well-being and their newborn. To learn more about the tension between the couple and how it affects their relationship, read the full story below…

‘ Me [25F] with my BF [27M]’s mom … Asked her to teach some recipes and s**t hit the fan.’

My boyfriend (Dan) and I have been together for a little over 2 years. No relationship is perfect, but ours is basically as good as it can be. Little conflict, maximum happiness, everything is wonderful, yadda yadda yadda. My family adores him, his dad seems to like me just fine, but for some reason his mom (Carol) has never been too fond of me.

I don’t push too hard, I’m really respectful whenever I’m around her, I bring her gifts for birthdays and holidays, (she’s never given me one – not that I care, it’s just kind of strange since I’ve been around for a while) always try and help when I can, etc … And yet, she’s always been fairly cold to me. Not outright rude and terrible, just … cold.

I kind of wrote it off, figuring she’s just a tough nut to crack. Anyway, my boyfriend and I recently finished our master’s degrees and were feeling bored with our jobs and figured, what the hell, let’s move to a different country? When we told the families, everyone was ecstatic for us – except Dan’s mom, which wasn’t really surprising.

We both have jobs lined up, so it’s not like we’ll be bumming around or anything (not that there’s ANYTHING wrong with traveling – I’m a huge advocate!) so the only reason she’s not on board with it is because Dan won’t be living 25 miles away from her anymore, even though it’s a great opportunity for both of us and something he’s been wanting to do for awhile.

We leave in a few weeks, so we’ve been trying to spend time with them as much as we can. Dan knows about how his mom treats me, and even though she’s not rude to me, he’s said that he’s talked to her about whether or not she likes me, to which she’ll reply, “She’s fine, I’m perfectly nice to her.”

So like I said, she’s not terrible, she’s just not great – to the point where I’d never ask Dan to bash her anything. It just makes me sad because I want to be close with his family because they mean a lot to me. So I’ve been making some efforts to hang out with her. Anyway, we were over at his mom’s house for dinner this weekend and I offered to help her in the kitchen,

to which she reluctantly obliged. Now, she’s a decent cook, but in no way is she an amazing chef or anything. Never mentions secret recipes or anything like that. But I thought it would be a nice gesture to ask her to teach me some of her recipes. So while I was chopping onions I said, “Hey Carol, I was wondering if you would teach me some of your recipes?

Dan loves your cooking and I would love to cook for him when we’re abroad to remind him of home since I know he’ll miss your cooking.” Then she stopped and walked out of the room. It was super awkward, so I waited around a bit. When she finally came back in, she started yelling at me about how out of line I was.

She was saying stuff like, “How dare you! You think you can replace me?” And all this crazy stuff. I was completely shocked and dumbfounded. I immediately walked out and told Dan, who was heading into the kitchen to see what the commotion was about, that I would be leaving. He told me to wait in the car because he was really confused.

I sat there for 3 minutes when he came out apologizing saying his mom was completely in the wrong, so we left. So here I am, a few days later, confused as hell. I’m happy Dan stuck up for me, but this situation is so ridiculous I have no idea where to go from here! He’s currently not speaking to his mom,

but has received texts from his dad apologizing and chalking his mom’s freak out due to the stress of Dan leaving soon. I don’t want to be the reason he severs his relationship or anything, but I also feel pretty disrespected over something so silly! Any advice on how to handle this?

Check out how the community responded:

defiancy −  She feels threatened that you are replacing her as the “woman” in Dan’s life. That’s why she reacted the way she did when you asked about the recipes. This is something she has to deal with on her own because she seems like a very over protective mother that hasn’t grasped the concept that her son is an adult.

cardinal29 −  /r/JustNoMIL is full of these stories of loony moms who have unhealthy relationships with their sons. For the most part, they are really funny stories. “How dare you! You think you can replace me?” This, however is disturbing. I mean, he is 27 years old already! At least Dan stood up for you right away.

Imsolost123456789 −  “How dare you! You think you can replace me?” I really don’t have words for that. She’s….unhinged. She is afraid of her son leaving, but she needs to realize that he is in his late 20s and she doesn’t rule him anymore.

I’m sorry that she’s treating you like this. It’s out of your hands. Either she will get over it or she wont. I’m really happy your boyfriend stood up for you. Good man. And if you really want recipes, PM me and I’ll send you some yummy ones. 😛

[Reddit User] −  It sounds like Dan’s mom is having an episode of combination empty-nest syndrome and massive jealousy. She feels like you are taking her son away, that she’s losing him, and that you are trying to replace her. Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do. Dan’s response was appropriate, and should this sever some ties it’s not your fault.

If you really want to you can try to reach out to Carol in a non-confrontational way. Shoot her a thoughtfully worded email, but I would avoid apologizing (as you haven’t done anything wrong). Maybe something like:. Carol, I wanted to reach out to you to discuss what happened the other night. It was not my intention to upset you or make you feel like you’re being replaced.

We are both going to miss you and (Dan’s Dad) very much when we are abroad, and I was hoping to find a way to feel closer to you. I love Dan, and being able to have a relationship with you is important to me because I know how important you are to him.

Inyoueye −  Dan loves your cooking and I would love to cook for him when we’re abroad to remind him of home since I know he’ll miss your cooking. She thought you were being bitchy, trying to throw it in her face that you’re taking her son away. That’s why she over-reacted, “how dare you” etc. She owes you an apology, but don’t hold your breath.

RememberKoomValley −  You don’t need to do anything at all. He did what he should have done; ball’s in her court now.

blaggleflarb −  I am just going to throw this out there that given Dan’s age, a contributing factor to his mom’s behavior could also be menopausal symptoms. She may even be aware of her irrational behavior but sort of stuck in this embarrassing loop where she flies off the handle and may not even fully understand why.

I am not saying it excuses her behavior but this may provide a context which may not have been considered. I love the idea proposed by u/vanitypridelust and the email proposed, it was very thoughtfully worded, it addresses the elephant in the room without placing blame on Carol and it kindly frames your reasoning for wanting to get recipes as a way for you to grow closer to her and acknowledge that you will both miss her and Dan’s family.

Even if maybe you won’t miss her due to her behavior, the gesture of expressing this is good intentioned. You may even throw out there that you are in no way trying to replace her. I appreciate that Dan is on your side, that you are still trying to extend the olive branch and maintain a good relationship with his mom, hopefully it works out for all parties.

[Reddit User] −  She was saying stuff like, “How dare you! You think you can replace me? …and right there is her issue. You are replacing her in a sense. She is no longer the primary woman in his life and she hasn’t accepted it.

[Reddit User] −  As others said, she’s doing it because her baby is moving. Although he’s not really her baby, she still does and likely always will see him as her baby–because to her he is. She needs to get over this, and grow the f**k up. That’s on her.

Nice for him to stand up to her finally, seems like he just kind of let is slide or acted like it was not a big deal before when it obviously was to you (but I don’t know how serious you made it to him). But I’ll never understand how people can let it come to this. There were clearly issues before that should have been dealt with but they were ignored.

What really needs to happen is that his mom stops being a childish cunt, and APOLOGIZES to you. If she continues acting like this, it sure as f**k won’t be your fault that he stops talking to her. It’ll be her fault for not growing up and being an adult, and a mother.

PictureFrame12 −  Most moms fear that their sons will leave the family and rarely return. They end up spending a lot more time with their wife’s family. Her son is moving out of the country. The mom has taken pride on making her son’s favorite meals over the last 27 years. Another responder mentioned that recipes can be an extension of the mother.

It doesn’t matter that it is a not gourmet meal or that she is not a famous chef – these are special meals that she makes for him. It’s her gift to him. So you asking for the recipes devastates to her because she views it as her special gift to him. Especially because he is leaving the country and she will see him much less.

If you make those recipes for him, she is no longer needed and does not have her gift for him. It’s no longer special. It doesn’t sound as though you have developed a close enough relationship with her to give her confidence that you and he will be back frequently.

Try harder to cultivate that relationship, even though you are leaving in a few weeks. Gifts are not as important as time and conversation. I realize her behavior is counter productive. If she was warmer with you, you would feel more inclined to spend time with her.