Long-distance girlfriend [28F] has close male friend who likes her, I’m [28M] wondering what to do
A Reddit user found himself navigating a tricky situation involving his long-distance girlfriend and her close male friend from work, who seems deeply interested in her. Despite his confidence in her faithfulness.
He wrestles with doubts about their future and whether her friendship with this colleague is purely platonic. Should he intervene or trust in their relationship? Read the original story below to delve deeper into his dilemma.
‘ Long-distance girlfriend [28F] has close male friend who likes her, I’m [28M] wondering what to do’
My girlfriend is righteous, fair, and caring to the extreme. She wouldn’t hurt a fly. Case in point, I once killed an ant that was on the table and she actually cried, with real tears. Because she cares, and because she can’t see any being, no matter which one, be in pain.
Now, on to my issue: we’re in a long distance relationship, and there’s this guy at her work that is really, desperately in love with her in my opinion. It started out as them becoming running partners while she was preparing for a marathon. They run together 3 times a week, before work. And long runs at that, sometimes 20-30k.
They talk a lot during those and got to know each other. Then they hang out at work. They eat together and talk more. They are both kind of foodies (actually that’s one of the special things between me and her), so they exchange things they cooked, for example jam in exchange for honey, homemade bread, things like that.
Then sometimes they go to parties together, though as far as I know, he’s invited her a couple of times and she’s always declined to go to a party just with him. If they are at a party together, it’s because it’s a group thing and they belong to the same group of people. Anyway, they go to parties and I think they hang out nicely there too.
Lastly, although she declines to go party one on one with him, they do hang out together on sunday afternoons and the like. So, I’m 100% sure that this guy is super into her. He does everything he can to hang out with her. Now on to her side.
She wouldn’t hurt me. I was wondering for a while whether she was capable of cheating behind my back and not telling me — in other words, her version of “not hurting me”. But I’m pretty sure that’s not an option, because:
1) we see each other often, every 2 weeks, and it’s miraculously amazing every single time. Mind blowing. Never seen such synergy in any couple. Everything: the conversation, the love, the activities we do, absolutely everything.
2) we talk on the phone all the time. Every single evening. There’s literally no available time in which she could actually cheat on me – unless they meet from 4am to 6am or something ridiculous like that.
3) she’s pretty blunt. I don’t think she would hide something like that. She’s not the type to be afraid to break up. I think if she felt like it she’d just do it, because it would feel “right”.
Having said all this, I don’t know what to do. Just like I’m 100% sure that the guy would love to be in a couple with her, I think she is also not indifferent and she would definitely go for it if she weren’t with me.
They’re a pretty good match, they have similar backgrounds, more similar than her and I, they work at the same place and like hanging out at the same spots, they speak the same language (whereas with me she has to speak in English – none of us are native). He’s a cool guy, young, smart, sportsy, he’s got a lot going for him.
It’s a funny situation: on the one hand, it’s super awesome to have a girl that’s so true to you. I’m really sure she’s not cheating. That’s not the problem here. On the other hand, I’m also pretty damn sure that if we weren’t together, she’d be with that guy. It would just make absolutely no sense to *not* be with him.
So the question is, is that an OK situation? Could one see it as her just keeping the guy as a backup in case we break up, and is that an OK thing to do? Is it an indication that I’m not showing her enough proof of my affection, and she believes there’s a possibility of breakup?
Alternatively, she’s somewhat naive about many things. Is it actually possible that she doesn’t notice anything, that she really thinks they’re just friends and he has no special intentions?
On the possibility that she’s afraid of a breakup and keeps him a backup, unfortunately I can’t go much further with our current situation to give her a promise of security: we’re long distance so I wouldn’t do anything crazy like proposing to her when we’ve never lived together.
I guess the only reasonable thing I could do is quit my job and move to her city, but I love my job so much and I’m doing so well at it that it would be really hard for me to do that. Note that for the eventual plan, when we’d move in together, we would go to a city where I can keep working for the same company.
There are many such cities, but sadly the one she lives in is not one of those where we have an office. I almost feel bad because they’d be such a great couple – I feel like I should just make it easy for her and let her be with that guy, be done with the long distance, let them be married in their city and have a happy life together.
With me, we have another 1-2 years of long distance to get through, and then we’d probably have to both move to another city to be together… We’ve talked a lot about it, we’re both okay with that plan, we both can’t wait to move in together, but when you take a step back it would just make so much more sense for them to be together instead.
I guess sometimes love does strange things. I don’t know if I should bring this up to her at all, as I said, nothing bad is actually happening at the moment. I just want to avoid that in 1 year she suddenly has a change of heart and goes with him, and we all realize we lost 1 year of our lives.
And frankly if that happens the two of them would still be fine, but the biggest l**er would be me, since I’d be all alone and I’d have to start everything over. The stupidest part is that this wouldn’t be a question at all if we lived in the same city,
because then she’d obviously spend all her time with me and she wouldn’t have this enormous amount of time spent with this other guy.
I don’t know what to do. I’m happy with her, and she’s happy with me. I just don’t want to wake up one day and realize it was all a waste. I’m in my prime years now, I won’t be anymore in 2-3 years.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
Trala_la_la − I think the problem here is the vast amount of time she is spending one on one with a guy that isn’t you. Even those these aren’t official dates she has been effectively dating this guy for a long while. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. I would just sit her down and discuss it.
relationshipunguru − May I ask why you think this is not a form of cheating ? In my (male) mind, I consider this a kind of emotional cheating. It astounds me that many women can easily consider getting emotional support from men who are just friends (or atleast that’s what they would have us believe).
All men I know consider this kind of emotional intimacy, love and s** to go hand-in-hand, as in a relationship. Personally, I feel that your gf is filling a void and probably is waiting for you to do something about it: either breakup or close the distance. You seem to be leaning toward the former. Either way, you need to make the move if you want peace of mind.
Trala_la_la − I wouldn’t talk to the guy. But I would talk to your girlfriend about setting a few more boundaries. I personally would feel like this “friendship” had passed into the relationship zone a long time ago. You are effectively begin cuckolded by this guy, he’s dating your gf and you know he is, and you let your girlfriend continue dating him.
RagingFuckalot − The best thing to do is learn to trust your girlfriend.
Do you think the Redditor is overthinking the situation, or is his concern about the closeness of their relationship justified? How would you handle the balance between trust and potential red flags in a long-distance relationship? Share your thoughts below!
For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/rHCuW