Lines been crossed, do I (31f) kick my bf (29m) and father of my 3 children out right before Christmas?
A Reddit user shared her emotional struggle with deciding whether to kick out her boyfriend, the father of her three children, right before Christmas after discovering he reconnected with a woman from his past who he may have cheated with years ago. Despite their 10-year relationship and shared family, communication issues and broken trust have created a deep rift, leaving her questioning how to move forward. To read the full story and understand her dilemma, check it out below.
‘ Lines been crossed, do I (31f) kick my bf (29m) and father of my 3 children out right before Christmas?’
I (31f) have been with my boyfriend (29m) for 10 years. We have 3 children together, live together, dogs, the whole thing. He’s a good person, we usually enjoy each other’s company and hang out together and laugh, etc. Many times our disagreements stem from being stressed from both of us working, bills, 3 small kids, not usually because 1 of us did something to cross the other.
In the beginning of our relationship he cheated on me (denies it) but for sure did with this girl. We were younger at that point no kids and a bit off and on. I took him back, and swore to him and myself that if I ever found out he talked to her again I’d leave.
We’ll fast forward 6 years and I see he has her added as a friend on fb. This had to be recent like within the last few days. Noticed because he said to go look at this dudes page (a client of his) and both their names start with the same letter so as I typed it she popped up.
We’ve been going thru a rough patch, we’re struggling financially, don’t have much support with the kids. Just both stressed and snappy. He is not a talker, I try to communicate and he shuts down. Literal silent treatment and if he comes around I feel like I’m his mother lecturing him and he will usually just say “ok” “yeah”, maybe nods his head in agreement.
Long story short recently I’ve tried to explain that I too am stressed and work full time and need the same amout of “me time” as he gets–he often hangs out with his friends after work or stays for a few beers and i have to call and ask him to come home. But instead of listening/trying to understand its just silence, maybe a day or 2 of being nicer than usual and then back to normal like nothing happened.
So now that I’ve seen he has this girl added as a friend on fb I texted him to say what the actual f**k. Silence. He doesn’t take me seriously clearly. I don’t want to break up our family, our kids adore him, but I can’t live in silence. And asking him again to block this girl makes me feel like a fool. For all I know they’ve been messaging back and forth saying God knows what.
I feel like the only way he’ll take me serious is if I keep promise and end things. I will be heartbroken and my kids will too but this feels like a line crossed that can’t be reversed. I wish he’d just get his s**t together.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
SteelToeSnow − I told him that would be my final straw if he ever talked to her again. then you know the answer to your question. if you keep saying “this is the final straw” but then it never actually is because you stay with him after he does the thing, then he’s just going to keep doing it. because there’s never actually any consequences for his cheating.
BrokenPaw − we usually enjoy each other’s company and hang out together and laugh Most of Abraham Lincoln’s night at Ford’s Theater was lovely. There was just that one little thing that kind of messed things up for everyone.. He’s a good person, Oh, that’s good. So he’s not the sort to cheat on–
In the beginning of our relationship he cheated on me (denies it) but for sure did with this girl. …oh. Well, at least that was a one-time thing and he didn’t stay in contact with her– Added the girl on fb again 6 years later …oh. Well, at least he learned his lesson and he didn’t do it *again*– I’ve seen he has this girl added as a friend on. …oh.
Well, at least he owns up to his mistakes and communicates with you like an adult about– I texted him to say what the actual f**k. Silence. He doesn’t take me seriously clearly. …oh. I would *really* love to know what someone would have to do to earn your opinion as a *bad* person, then. I don’t want to break up our family, our kids adore him
And *because* they adore him, they will be looking at him as the archetype of what an adult man is. What an adult man *should* be. So look at him *as he has shown himself to be*: A c**ater. A sneak. Someone with no remorse and not a care in the world about how his partner feels.
Do you want your kids looking at that person as a *role model*? Either learning how to be a man, or learning what to *expect* from a man? Because that’s what’s going to happen if you and he stay together. They’ll learn from *you* to put up with a partner no matter how badly he treats you. They’ll learn from *him* how men are “supposed” to behave, and they’ll emulate it, or expect it, accordingly.
I feel like the only way he’ll take me serious is if I keep promise and end things. This is correct. Because if you told him that you would end things if he did it again, and (now that he’s done it again) you *don’t* end things…
you will be teaching him that *you have no boundaries* and that he can do anything he wants, and you’ll sweep it under the rug because the *kids* like him.. Not sure if I should kick him out.. In a word: Yes. In more words: Yes, and don’t let him come back. He’s already had all of the chances that you should *possibly* give him.
yoshi320 − Go find your happiness with someone who will treat you right. You should stick to your guns on this one. It sounds like the relationship is totally uneven and you do all the work. You can continue to do that without him and he can pay child support. Your kids will thank you in the long run. Don’t let them see this dysfunctional as normal. Good luck!
phriend75 − I hate to state the obvious but you told him your boundary. He broke it, knowing full well; the risk and the consequence. Is he looking for a way out? I would ask him..
woolencadaver − Not responding to you is working. He knows you’ll do nothing if he does nothing. Time to show him that you mean business
bubbly_opinion99 − My soon to be ex husband said these words to me when I asked him how could he keep his cheating secret for two years after we married and he said “I didn’t want to lose you.” Then I laid out all the things he’s done in order to cover up the cheating and he said “I never thought you’d leave me.”
Do you see a pattern here? No accountability, nothing on his end that says he’s sorry, remorseful, or anything that indicates he understands why I’m leaving or any insight to his behavior. I’m not saying once a c**ater, always a c**ater, but from your timeline it looks like he kept up some form of it for several years into the relationship and then he either continued it or it started again.
You can’t change him, you need to change the situation with your actions. So if you say this is it, then let this be it. Forget the holidays, it’s all false anyway because he’s dishonest. Enjoy it with your kids and without the anxiety and stress of being around someone who isn’t truthful and loyal to you.
TheLastWord63 − Let your kids see what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship because this does not sound like one. Are you just going to keep moving the line every time he crosses it? Remember that your kids are watching you.
grumpy__g − If you kick him out you will get child support or he will start to act like a parent. I hope she was worth it ruining his family.
Skweefie − For the kids, do it after Christmas.
Environmental-Age502 − I’m of 2 minds here, and I think I could find a half way ground.
1) is if I was in this position, I know for a fact that I would s**k it up for my kids to have a good Christmas. I am fully aware how stupid that is, but we do stupid stuff for our kids sometimes, and I know this is something stupid that I’d do.
2) but he would know, today, that on the 27th, he needs to leave. There would be no further comprises, our relationship would be done today, and we will smile for Christmas and let the kids have a good holiday, but he’s never sleeping in my bed again, and we start dividing our lives formally on the 27th.
All of that said…you keep saying “it’s my final straw”. Is it? Cause if it was, he’d already be gone, or you’d already have enacted something like Ive said above. So is it? Cause Reddit has this all or nothing mindset, of “leave the c**ater this second” but life with kids involved is never that straight forward is it?
It’s okay to take a bit log er, to try and push for more, to try and force it until you’re 100% positive that you can’t keep doing it. In my view, it’s better to beat it dead in the relationship, and **know** you”re ready to leave, than it is to back slide (especially when there’s kids involved). So yeah, it’s okay if you’re not 100% there yet, or want to wait til after Christmas….it’s okay.
Do you think ending the relationship is the only way to restore her peace of mind, or could this situation be salvaged through counseling and communication? How would you handle a partner breaking a crucial promise, especially when children are involved? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!