Leaving a marriage because of spouse’s constant negativity and lack of direction?

A Reddit user opened up about the struggles of staying in a 15-year marriage where her husband’s persistent negativity, lack of direction, and emotional disengagement have left her feeling drained and unsupported.

As she contemplates the impact on their children and her own happiness, she wonders if leaving might be the best path forward. Read the full story below for a closer look at her dilemma.

‘ Leaving a marriage because of spouse’s constant negativity and lack of direction?’

My husband (36M) and I (35F) have been together for 15 years and have two children together. Having been together since we were 20 means we’ve watched each other grow up. We’ve watched dreams come into fruition, and some not.

We’ve supported each other through difficult life experiences and have made important decisions together. We have a very strong basis and a lot of love for each other. However. My husband has become more and more negative every year that goes by. When we met he had all the hopes and dreams that a 20 year old does.

But he has lacked direction, meaningful self-esteem, and discipline to achieve the goals he had in mind for himself. This has taken a major toll on him, as he has always had a bit of an ego and success was never a question but a guarantee in his mind.

He has always blamed “our situation” for his unhappiness- but our situation has changed so many times. Different jobs, cities, provinces, etc. The one constant is his lingering unhappiness. I just discovered recently that he fits every description of a covert n**cissist.

He has low self-esteem, seeks external validation, is extremely defensive and lashes out at any criticism, doesn’t invest in relationships, can be m**ipulative, and can lack empathy. The way that this translates to our daily life is that he constantly takes jobs that don’t make the most sense for our family,

because he wants the validation that comes with it (title, praise, whatever). He has an almost 10 year track record of taking low-paying and all consuming jobs that have him for 70+ hours a week. This puts a lot of strain on me and the kids, as I am solo-parenting and managing a household on my own 6 days a week.

On his one day off he sleeps, mopes around dreading the week ahead, and is incredibly unproductive. He ignores the kids because he needs to “figure things out” and make lists. The kids cry to me often about how he’s never around and even when he is he doesn’t pay attention to them or do anything with them,

and I exhaust myself pouring into them to make up for it. It isn’t fair to any of us. And it isn’t necessary. We have been struggling financially more and more by the day. Without getting into too many details,

I recieved a fairly substantial inheritance that we used to relocate to his home province and pay for a home and acreage nearly outright, as well as two vehicles, and pay off any debts. Our mortgage is extremely low. This was in part to ensure that I can stay home with our children.

But like I said, he has accepted such ridiculously low paying jobs that we are barely scraping by. Recently he got an in for a very well-paying job that would have a lot of benefits and an appropriate work/life balance. I urged him to pursue this with all he’s got as this is a rare opportunity for him.

He basically made one phone call and was instantly discouraged and said it wasn’t going to work out. All he needed to do was a couple certifications and to have someone vouch for him. This really opened my eyes. He seems utterly unwilling to make a sensible choice and to prioritize our family.

He is constantly negative, constantly defeated, and his energy just takes over the house like a dark cloud whenever he happens to be here. I’m so tired, mentally and emotionally. I am responsible for 100% of the child rearing, maintaining our home (cooking, cleaning, errands, garbage, yardwork, even repairs. everything),

I am relegated to not just being the consistent, stable, responsible parent, but also the fun, lighthearted, playful parent. He can’t even be relied on to make a bed, and will walk by a bag of garbage on the deck instead of put it in the garbage box- knowing it will be ripped apart by animals and I’ll have to clean it all up.

And if I call him out on these things he gets extremely defensive and n**ty and will throw random insults back at me. These are small examples but this is just to try to paint the picture. I don’t do anything fun, or anything for myself. My days are spent at home, taking the kids to their various engagements, or at the grocery store.

He recently told me he sees me as a burden. This is something I’ve suspected for a long time and we were even in counselling almost 7 years ago because of this very issue- he has always acted like our family is holding him back from the “greatness” he thinks he could achieve if he were relieved of the burden of providing for us.

Nevermind that I brought hundreds of thousands of dollars into this relationship, that I do *everything* so that he can focus solely on his career, and that I am raising our children essentially on my own, he sees me as a burden. And I think this might be the last straw for me.

Despite this, despite the loss of multiple important family members, despite the constant financial stress, despite the loneliness, I am still a very positive, loving, and fun person. The mismatch in our energies has become unignorable and honestly, I feel like I’m wasting my life.

I have devoted 15 years to this relationship and it’s only just dawned on me that life is supposed to have elements of fun, and is to be enjoyed. There is none of that. We are so broke, he is so stressed and negative and resentful, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

The kids are miserable, he’s miserable, and I’m doing everything I can to stay positive. It’s become impossible to ignore that I really could be happier without him. I’ve been loyal and devoted to him for so long that I didn’t even consider calling it quits. We are both children of divorce and we never wanted that for our kids.

But I think what the kids are living with right now is worse. I’m really tempted to grant his wish and free him of his “burdens” so he can go do whatever he wants. Life is short and I’m already 35 and I’m realizing I don’t think I want to waste any more time being unhappy and bored and having no fun.

It’s just difficult because I really do love him and he’s not a bad person, just deeply troubled. It feels like I would be abandoning him while he’s struggling, but he’s always struggling and he refuses to do anything about it (not therapy, medication, etc.)

I think I need to accept that I can’t save him and I need to save myself and my kids. It’s just hard. Any advice would be really appreciated here. I’m interested in any and all insights.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

DiTrastevere −   We have a very strong basis and a lot of love for each other. He recently told me he sees me as a burden. This is something I’ve suspected for a long time and we were even in counselling almost 7 years ago because of this very issue-

he has always acted like our family is holding him back from the “greatness” he thinks he could achieve if he were relieved of the burden of providing for us.  OP…I’m not sure that first statement holds up under scrutiny.

I don’t think this man loves you *at all*. You are a box he checked on his life-achievements list, and one he didn’t have to work very hard to check. I think the only reason he hasn’t peaced out is because he knows on some level that you make his life significantly more comfortable than it would be otherwise,

and divorces are a lot of work. But if he could snap his fingers and keep all the home comforts you provide without having to give anything back, or even acknowledge you as a human being, he’d do it.  If you’re looking for permission to be done, you have it. 

decaturbob −  – so where is the “healthy” in this relationship? I do not see it where that has ever existed and YOU never stay together for the “sakes” of the kids as that would damage the kids way more than being divorced

PirateResponsible496 −  Girl, don’t do this to yourself. How you describe your husband sounds like my ex. And to this day I wish I never stayed with him. His negativity tore holes in my self worth overtime but I didn’t realise it.

He’s still working low paying jobs and being a complaining downer from what I heard from friends. Save your kids the traumatic childhood and toxic relationship modeling as well

Mentalcomposer −  I hope you were smart enough to put at least the house and maybe even the cars in your name only. Since you paid for them basically. Idk how old your kids are, but you need to have a plan. You just can’t leave without a way to support you and your kids.

So if that means getting a job, figuring out after school care, then you do that now. Save your salary or most of it. Do not let your H think this is extra cash he can use. Then once you have established that you can do it alone, you remove all the “burdens” in his life, send him packing and wish him well.

JuWoolfie −  Look, if you were my friend and you told me this over coffee… my jaw would hit the floor and my eyebrows would struggle against the Botox to hit the top of my forehead.

Then I would tell you that you need to leave him for your own sanity and well being. Seriously, this man is an Anchor when he should be a bouy. Time to start looking at divorce lawyers and getting your ducks in a row.

Mypettyface −  You don’t deserve this. You bring everything to this relationship and he brings the bare minimum. You are young enough to move on. I had a similar situation at 35. I stayed and finally left at 50. I have never remarried. I’m 64 and alone.

Oh how I wish I had left at 35 when I was still young and attractive. It’s the biggest regret of my life. Please don’t be me. Learn from my experience. He isn’t going to become positive. He is who he is. Get a job, see a lawyer and move on. I wish you wisdom and luck. You’ll need both.

Global-Fact7752 −  Do it…enough is enough of dealing with substandard people.

jackjackj8ck −  You need to go back to work and talk to a lawyer yesterday

Far-Cup9063 −  He sees YOU as a burden?? Sweetie, don’t waste another second with this man. Cut this man loose and don’t fall for his pitiful guilt trip as he tries to erase years of being an irresponsible, resentful wet blanket.

fi4862 −  Sounds like he is afraid of failure, thinks a lot of himself and is self sabotaging. That’s a hell-uv-a combo. You’ll never have long term success with someone who will self sabotage. I’d divorce him.now because he seems like the type of person to try to take your house.

Do you think the Reddit user should prioritize her own happiness and the well-being of her children over trying to save her marriage? How would you handle a long-term partnership where emotional and financial burdens are unequally shared? Share your thoughts below!