I’ve [F25] returned from a month long trip and my roommate [F22] has moved all her things into my room and has been living there, with no intention of switching back.

A 25-year-old woman returns home from a month-long trip to discover her roommate, Lana, has moved all her belongings into her room without permission. Initially confused and frustrated, she uncovers that Lana’s controlling boyfriend orchestrated the move. Lana, caught in an emotionally abusive relationship, is now seeking support to regain control of her life. Read the unfolding story below.

‘ I’ve [F25] returned from a month long trip and my roommate [F22] has moved all her things into my room and has been living there, with no intention of switching back.’

Hi there. I’m writing this on a throwaway because to be honest I never thought I’d need to post here but what can you do. So I moved into this flat about 8 months ago. I met “Lana” online on a roommate website, and we clicked well. She’s a bit younger but seemed mature. We quickly agreed to be roommates (both of us were under time constraints to find a place to live) but have got on really well so far (up until this).

Our flat is a two bedroom, and to be frank, my room is clearly the better one. It’s bigger and has built in wardrobes. When looking for the flat, I found the place first on my own and put down a deposit to take it off the market while I found another roommate. The flat was perfect, cheap rent and my aunt manages the property, so I was keen to snap it up before anyone else did. The area it’s in is popular so I wasn’t really worried about not finding someone to room with.

Because of the above and that I was there first, I took the bigger room naturally. When showing potential roommates (including Lana) round, I was sure to show the smaller room and say “this would be *your* room”. We moved in 8 months ago, and it’s been happy families. Never heard Lana complain about her room.

Because I have about 6x the wardrobe space that she does, I told her she’s welcome to store her off season clothes in there, or whatever she wants to store, as long as she’s not popping in every morning to get dressed. She was happy with this.

Just over a month ago, I went travelling. Now I’m not the biggest fan of having people in my room, but I told Lana if she had someone stay (her sister, friends from home) they could sleep in my bed. She said thanks, and as she’s been such a great roommate and rarely has guests except her boyfriend, I didn’t worry at all.

I came back yesterday. I was exhausted from the flight and travelling, and just wanted to shower and sleep. As I walked in Lana was in the living room with her boyfriend. We said hello and hugged, had a very quick catch up, blah blah. Then I dragged my suitcase to my room, opened the door and found it full of stuff that was not mine. I kind of yelled “what the f**k?” and briefly thought I was so jetlagged I was confused, but opened the door to Lana’s room and saw all my stuff.

I walked into the living room and asked Lana what was going on and she said “Oh sorry, I forgot to mention, we put my stuff in your room just because it’s bigger and you weren’t here and you said I could use it.” I was honestly so tired I could have passed out then, so I probably wasn’t in the best state, and told her to move it all back immediately.

She said they were in the middle of making dinner and I looked tired so I should have a sleep. Her boyfriend then said “And anyway, you pay the same rent so isn’t it fair that you both get the big room at some point.” I was getting really frustrated and could feel tears welling up (hysterical from lack of sleep) so I just said “We’ll deal with this tomorrow, and it’s getting moved back” and then I went to sleep in *not* my room.

I’ve woken up now and I’m so pissed off. Lana’s at work so I can’t talk to her but what should I do when she’s home? I feel like this is going to turn into an argument, I don’t think it’ll be as simple as “okay let’s swap now you’re home.”. —

**tl;dr**: I went travelling for a month and told my roommate she could use my room for guests if needed. While I was gone she swapped all our stuff and moved into my much bigger and better bedroom. Never had a problem with her before but she doesn’t seem like she’s planning on swapping back. What do I do when I speak to her after work?

EDIT: I’ve taken the advice of most people on this thread and moved my stuff back. It’s taken hours and I’m knackered but I think if I left it another night it would be a real problem. I sent her a text when I was almost done (incase she kicked up a shitstorm and came home) to say “Hi Lana! Hope you’re having a nice day at work. Just to let you know I’m moving my stuff back into my room, didn’t want you coming home and walking into the wrong one! :)” (Yes I’m petty.)

I’ll be talking to her when she gets in because this is out of character for her, to the point of it being *bizarre*. She’s never been anything but a model roommate, so I’m gonna give her a chance before we’re donezo. If she wants to be reasonable and have a chat about rent portions I’m happy to do that.

She’s never had a problem with the rent before, and honestly I’ve never had uneven rent amounts in any place I’ve ever lived (whether I had a bigger room or smaller room) but a lot of people here are saying it’s the norm so I’m open to talking about it if she’s not ridiculous.

EDIT 2: Lana should be home in a bit. I’ll update when I can.

**EDIT 3: Hi everyone, I’ve got about a million messages asking for an update but last night was a bit mad and I’m still pretty jetlagged so sorry but I went to sleep. Anyway, here we go.**

**So as you know, I text Lana to tell her I moved my stuff back. She didn’t reply to me, fine whatever, but she didn’t kick off so I figured we were okay. I told my Aunt what had happened, who was as baffled as all of you, and I told her it was probably all sorted, just keeping her in the loop. I also told my boyfriend, who works about 5 mins down the road.

He offered to come round, incase Lana’s boyfriend came round, but I told him not to because then we’re ganging up on *Lana*. He insisted on going for a “coffee” with his mate a couple roads away incase we needed backup. Which is a bit ridiculous but very cute of him.**

**So I did get myself a glass of wine while waiting for Lana, not because I was nervous I just like wine, and she came home. I was sat in the living room and gave her a very cold “hi” when she walked in. She sort of froze, bag in hand, and her eyes darted between me and my/not her/our bedroom door.

She blurted “did you do it!?” and I said “what, move the rooms back? Yeah of course.” and her eyes went all wide and she dropped her bag and ran into the bathroom. I could hear her talking on the phone so I was like yipeeeee I guess Tom’s coming round fuuuuuun!**

**I heard the door unlock and I was about to go full hulk on how p**cho she is, when she came out of the door and stood between our bedrooms. Their doors are adjacent and she just stared between them both, breathing heavily? It was really odd. Then I noticed she was crying and getting a bit panicky, so I asked what was going on.**

**She burst into tears and said “Omg he’s going to kill me” and just sobbed so yeah it was the boyfriend’s idea completely, as a lot of us suspected. She’s honestly always been a perfect roommate, which is kind of why I came to this sub.

If she was generally an arsehole, I would have known how to act, if you know what I mean? Anyway Lana has a bit of a breakdown, and it turns out POS Tom has always been a bit of a POS, very jealous (which I always saw hints of, but Lana never mentioned so I didn’t), and has amped up his POSishness while I’ve been away.

When I left he just finished school and basically moved in unannounced, and when she’d mention he hasn’t been home in days, he’d give her the “what, don’t you love me, I treat you so well, you’re so selfish, blah blah” s**t and refused to move. She showed me the texts he send her, absolutely horrific stuff, things like “ring me in the next five minutes or we’re over” “send me a picture of you at your desk with something showing todays date so I know you’re at work”, just a**sive stuff.**

**ON TO THE ROOM: As we guessed, he moved it. He did it while she was at work, which is actually a bit gross thinking of him going through my stuff, and I’m considering somehow implying I have crabs or something he could catch just to make him squirm a bit, but I’ll work on it.

lana came home and said what are you doing, he made out it was just temporary and that I wouldn’t mind (such a gentleman speaking on my behalf) and he would move it back, and he was doing ti for her and she was so selfish etc. When it got a few days before I came back, Lana suggested moving it back, and he completely denied he said that and told her it was her idea to move it and he only did what she told him but it’s staying now or she’d be sorry.**

**So basically Tom is a p**ck and Lana sobbed and apologised and cried and I fed her wine. She didn’t want to see Tom (who obviously assumed he lived there now) so I text him from her phone saying our Landlady (my aunt) was coming round for an inspection and staying for dinner after with my family and he couldn’t come over tonight.

He sent a lot of begging, whiney texts, and then went on the offensive and called Lana a l**r, so I rang my aunt, *explained everything* and had her write us a fake landlord email mentioning the visit and how she was looking forward to fajitas (because she’s an absolute babe and I make good packet fajitas), which we forwarded on to Tom. He left her alone for the rest of the night, apart from a few texts.**

**I’m not entirely sure what we do about Tom. Lana sounds like she wants to break up, judging from her crying and screaming” I hate him, I hate him, I hate him” into her wine. I think she’s scared to though. I checked with her and he doesn’t have a key, so that’s a relief. I’ve told my aunt everything and she said she is happy to ban him from the flat, but Lana would need ot break up with him first and get all that sorted.**

**Thanks everyone for the advice. I know it wasn’t the most popcorny update, but hopefully Lana will be okay, and we’re going to be doing some girly s**t this week and avoiding Tom and yeah, god knows what will happen.**

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Sheephuddle −  She moved your things out when you weren’t there. You’re off work now, just swap things back straight away. Start with stripping the beds and changing the linen over. I wouldn’t leave it till tomorrow, it normalises the situation. If she comes home whilst you’re in the middle of it, just keep going or ask her to help you. Her bf should keep out of it. I assume he’s lived there full-time over the last month, and he’s seeing it as ‘their’ flat now.

MAXIMUM_FARTING −  Move your stuff back. This isn’t even a discussion – you found the place, you made it clear the smaller was her room. Put a lock on the door and say this isn’t a discussion. It sucks she screwed herself over, but that’s her problem, not yours.

Edit: also if the boyfriend has been staying over all the time – nip that s**t in the bud. You signed up for one housemate, not two. If he cares so much he can go rent a place with her.

Extra edit: Be upfront and tell her in future she needs to a) ask because you didn’t give her permission to your room and b) if she wasn’t happy with the deal she should have said something or not rented the place, not this weird passive-aggressively show of dominance.

[Reddit User] −  This is simple. You don’t need to have a discussion with her. While she’s at work, move your stuff back to your room, take her off season clothes out of your closet, and install a lock. If she had an issue about the price she’s paying or the size of her room, she should’ve negotiated that during the contract signing.

Also, do not allow a third party (her boyfriend) who does not live there, dictate or comment about anything to do with that apartment. To be honest, your roommate sounds like a s**tty person and opportunist under that niceness…anyone who would move all of someone’s stuff out of their room is not nice.

IncredibleBulk2 −  Just move it back yourself while she’s out. Her boyfriend d gets exactly no say. She agreed to live in the smaller room for the same rent. You are rightfully pissed.

[Reddit User] −  That was extremely invasive and inappropriate of her. Move your stuff back and her stuff out.. Then talk to her:

* Remind her that she moved in under the understanding that she had the smaller room.

* Tell her that if she had a problem with the rooms, she should have spoken to you first, not just moved in. Talking is what adults do.

* Suggest she consider how she would have felt coming home after a long trip to find all her belongings have been moved.

* Remind her that while you have the larger room, she has a boyfriend who takes up space too. Couples often pay more rent than singles.

* Explain that you understand housemates need to communicate and negotiate, and tell her you’re happy to do this, but it needs to be honest and upfront, not all cloak and daggers and *wait till she’s gone*….

Of course, the reason this is an issue is because you know you’re getting the better end of this deal. Are you happy to discuss this? Would you pay a slightly larger share of the rent? You say that you “naturally” took the bigger room, but that’s not necessarily the default position.

I pay more rent than my flatmate because I have a slightly better room (same size, but I have a better view), and because I store some of my stuff in my flatmates room. (Like you, I found the place.) So I’d be prepared to consider what is fair as well.

flybrand −  She’s established that it is okay to move things around when the other roommate is not present. Follow her rule. Then inform her that it is no longer a rule. Get a lock on your door.

Your remaining time together as roommates won’t be pleasant. Understand your legal options. Source: Had a roommate like this with a SO like this. Still hurts to remember.

uavinagigglem81001 −  Shes at work? GREAT! Time to move your s**t back. Once you have done it she will know you are not a doormat. She had this planned for ages and used this trip of yours as the perfect chance.

As for her smartass BF? He’s now banned from coming over or hes paying rent. But seriously, what ever friendship you had with this girl is done and dusted. Only 4 months left, so move your s**t back and be cordial then find another roommate who isnt a total s**t kicker.

ftjlster −  Holy f**k, this is a new different level of a**sive POS. OP, I recommend you call the cops and ask them what you should do regarding Tom given his behaviour is such that he might just turn up and demand entry or force his way in.

Also with regards to Lana, (1) suggest she go visit a therapist to talk through what happened (she needs it I think, she’s been in an a**sive relationship), (2) tell her to send Tom a message saying they’re over, and that she’s blocking him on everything (and then block him on everything and/or get a new number) and that if he comes near her, she’s going to the cops (and then if he does, go to the cops).

Also get your aunt to officially say that he’s not allowed in the apartment – that way if the police can’t do anything before hand, you be able to at least try to get him on trespassing charges when he (eventually, given his boundary stomping behaviour) turns up at the apartment.

Edit to add: also, OP, given Tom is an a**sive piece of s**t, you and Lana should go through the apartment and specifically look for hidden cameras. Also if you left any electronic devices (laptops, tablets), wipe them, reformat and reinstall operating systems. If you had any accounts auto-logged in on those devices, change all the passwords and put on two-factor authentication immediately.

cherrycereal −  Umm i cannot believe she did this. So passive aggressive. And she said nothing to you when you arrived? She planned to have you go access your room, see the switch, and what…Happily go along? She knew when you were returning and her bf was there and prepped to say the line about ‘whats fair blah blah blah.”

I would stick with that as a central theme in your conversation with her. I would also ask her to move out at the end of the 12 month period. She had dozen other options, such as contacting you while on your trip “hey, i stayed in your room and am feeling like i am being taken advantage of for how much larger it is, can we talk about it when youre back?”

It is completely inappropriate that she had her bf participate in this conversation. You should also say “i signed up for one roommate not two and i have never said a word about the frequency of guests you have. You want to make things fair, ill pay $80 more and you can only have a guest 2 nights a week maximum.

Sound fair?” Make sure if you do any sq footage based rent math you deduct the common areas from the total before dividing by two. People always divide the total sq footage and thats not the right way to do it.

she-huulk −  I don’t know why you’re trying to be amicable and fair with her when she didn’t give you the same – what a massive i**asion of privacy. She literally touched all your personal s**t with NO PERMISSION in order to do this, I would be so disturbed. Call a big strong friend over as back up, text your roommate that you are moving s**t back (you don’t even owe her a heads up but that’s about as nice as you need to be), and get going.

This story highlights the complexities of roommate dynamics and the impact of external relationships on shared living spaces. What advice would you give Lana to help her safely exit her toxic relationship? Have you ever had a roommate situation escalate unexpectedly? Share your thoughts and experiences!