Is my relationship doomed?

A 29-year-old woman has been in a relationship with her 27-year-old boyfriend for 2.5 years. She feels as though she’s been constantly teaching him basic life skills and how to be a better partner, such as improving his hygiene, learning simple tasks like using a corkscrew, and making an effort for special occasions like her birthday.

While she wonders if this is a common dynamic in relationships, she also questions whether her feelings are a sign to move on or if she’s just overthinking. Read the full story below.

‘ Is my relationship doomed?’

I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for 2.5 years. Over the years we have many arguments about his personal hygiene, basic skills he lacks (e.g not knowing how to use a corkscrew),losing things, him not putting effort in on my birthday/xmas and table manners (e.g chewing mouth open).

While I wouldn’t say he’s as useless as the above makes him seem, I don’t feel like I can rely on him, and feel I have to take the lead throughout the relationship. He will do everything I tell him to, but it’s always me who has to make the call.

I will say, I do think I’ve been slightly impacted by relationship content on TikTok? I don’t seek out that kind of content but it’s so common on there, and people post like “my boyfriend is the most kind, loving person I’ve ever met” but I don’t feel that about mine? How can I call someone who makes no effort on my birthday kind or loving?

He did book a trip as a gift last year (a weekend in another city in a neighbouring state) but that was after me telling him I’d like something like that, and then this year he gave me a chrismtas gift that he didn’t even bother wrapping.

When things are good they’re great but then he just does something stupid and I get this voice in my head saying “why are you raising someone else’s son, there are other men out there” and I’m not sure if a) this is dynamic is common in a lot of relationships (the woman being the one in charge) but b) is my “there’s other men” rationale is me being a quitter?

I know that relationships require work but it’s always him trying to work on this flaws and me having to tell him what he should be doing better (I’m not trying to mould him, he just seems to have been raised without a lot of societal norms).

Should I have to tell a man in his late 20s that you should do something special for their girlfriend on their birthday? He’s been in relationships before so I don’t understand why he doesn’t know any of this? I’m starting to wonder if by putting up with this I’m just settling or doing myself a disservice? I know relationships require communication but it feels like I’m having to teach him how to be a a decent boyfriend? Help pls!

TL;DR: I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for 2.5 years. I feel like I’m having to teach my boyfriend how to be a decent person/boyfriend. Is this normal?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Queasy-Cherry-11 −  Tik tok isn’t going to show you the reality of relationships, but I think you know that. The way you talk about him makes it seem like you already know the answer here. Individually all these seem like manageable flaws (aside from personal hygiene, that’s rank).

But these aren’t just the occasional quirk you can accept because you love them. It’s a consistent pattern of behaviour that is putting you in a role you do not want to play. Being s**t at birthdays is acceptable, if he shows up and puts in effort the rest of the year to treat you.

Losing things is okay if he’s able to handle the consequences of that himself instead of looking to you to fix it. But he doesn’t, does he? He just sits back and let’s you handle all the mental load while he sits there and looks pretty.

Relationships require work, sure. But they also need to be worth putting in that work. Can you honestly say this is worth it, when you can’t even call him kind and loving Are you even still able to feel attraction towards him when you are playing mum all the time?

It’s okay to quit if something isn’t working for you. If after 2.5 years of your coaching he’s still not capable of thinking for himself, you need to be realistic about whether he’s actually capable of being the kind of partner you need.

0O00OO0O000O −  Relationships require work but not *that much* work. You shouldn’t feel like your partner is a burden, and it’s definitely not normal to feel like you’re “raising” another person.

I think all that second guessing is your way of knowing that your heart isn’t really in this relationship anymore. What do you feel when you picture leaving him? Is it instant sadness, or a sense of relief?

yohancyr −  Two things here:

1. You do not have to put up with anything you do not feel like you want to put up with unless if said thing is depending on you by your doings (Example a pet or a child) or is a responsibility meant for survival (Example working, bathing, eating, etc).

Other people’s opinions do not matter here. Any therapist would ask you the following: Do YOU want to put up with this ? The answer to this question must come from you since you ONLY have all of the details. And sharing anything online is one-sided anyway.

2. TikTok is not real life. Social media sells dreams and nightmares. You either have someone showing the best boyfriend in the world or someone exposing their partners for their infidelity. Either way, the content you see is content.

The purpose of the content can vary greatly and is usually pushed to follow a mean to an end.. —— I truly hope you end up finding the answer to your question. Usually, the answer is already within you.

dca_user −  Here’s the difference. Yes relationships require work. But this isn’t a relationship of equal people. Your work is raising this person to be an adult. That is not what people mean by relationships are work.

Riversntallbuildings −  What are the positive aspects that he brings into your life? If you can’t appreciate those more than the perceived deficits, you have your answer.

squ33ky77 −  It’s funny I feel like I could have written this post! Girl please you deserve so much better and more importantly, a mature adult whom you can rely on and not teach things from scratch like a baby.

I want you to start a list of positives and negatives and if the negatives greatly outweigh the positives (and a high chance that they do) you’ll have your answer. Also, after 2.5 years it sounds like you’ve been bottling it all up and resentment is growing.

I was in your EXACT situation with a boyfriend who wasn’t taught basic things. I then lost someone very close to me and everything became clear – I had reached my limit. When I left him I felt IMMEDIATE relief and freedom that I didn’t have to mother him anymore. Trust me, you deserve the same ❤️❤️

nashebes −  I firmly believe that there should be basic requirements for a partner. Hygiene is one of them. Having to argue with someone about maintaining their own personal hygiene is… sad.

Slickymoxy −  It seems like based on what you’ve written, you’ve already decided he’s not for you. The truth is that you shouldn’t have to teach someone how to be the person you want them to be.

I also think that some people are raised in a way where they lack things like manners, etc. In a relationship, you love them as they are or you don’t. Sure there are things you can express that you like or want, but if they can’t be bothered after being told, they simply don’t care, and/or this is who they are.

You are no one’s teacher, but have you had this conversation with him, or are you just teaching him as you go? If you’ve sat down and told him the things that are important to you in a partner, he could tell you he never thought about it like that or he could tell you he’s simply not that guy.

At this point, you can make the decision to go. If you’ve just made it a plan to complain about him without actually speaking to him, you will never get to the bottom of it. I feel like you may have just been taking the lead without really expressing how you feel, and now you’re just tired and bored of it. If that’s the case, you’re partly to blame.

Please, don’t take this as an attack. I am just trying to help in the best way I can. If you have spoken to him about this, and nothing has changed, he’s not the person for you.

tearoom442 −  He doesn’t sound like a terrible person (like a lot of the posts here), but the question is, does he make you happy. I don’t want to be hurtful, but it’s hard for me to believe that a man is really into someone and thinks she’s special, when he can’t be bothered to wrap her Christmas gift. (He just…handed it to you? Even coworkers will stick your gift in a nice gift bag, it’s not that hard.)

I get the feeling that the dynamic you have going on isn’t making either of you happy (you don’t like feeling like his mother, and I doubt he enjoys that either), but of course only you can answer that for sure.

NonsensicalNiftiness −  It’s doomed if your goal in your relationship is to have a true partnership. You have stepped into the role of his girlfriend mom. Do you always want to be in this role? I ask because he is a 27 year old man that isn’t bothering to put in effort or consideration not only into your relationship, but into bettering himself.

You are settling and setting yourself up to be a married single parent if you want kids in your future. It is absolutely common for women in hetero relationships to carry most of the emotional labor and mental labor in relationships, but just because it’s common doesn’t mean it is right or correct. You deserve a PARTNER.

You deserve a boyfriend who not only remembers your birthday, but takes the effort to make it special for you. Think of all of the effort you put into your relationship to makes him feel seen and cared about, how often is he putting in that effort for you? Does it feel fair and is it what you want for your life?

Would you rather be the relationship manager that spells out every single thing you need from chores, to holidays, to his own self care or or would you rather feel like you are both putting in effort into your relationship and life where you both benefit more equally from one another’s support? If you can, I recommend the book Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work Shaping Our Lives and How to Claim Our Power by Rose Hackman

When you’re constantly feeling like you’re the one leading the relationship, it can be tough to decide whether it’s worth continuing. Have you ever felt like you were teaching your partner how to be a better person? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts below!