Is my (24F) mother (56F) overreacting about me wanting to spend Christmas as a newlywed with just my husband (27M), or am I in the wrong?

A Reddit user shared her dilemma about spending her first Christmas as a newlywed with just her husband instead of their families. Despite communicating this plan well in advance.

Her mother has grown upset, bringing up past grievances and questioning their choices. The user seeks a broader perspective on whether her actions are reasonable or if she’s in the wrong. Read the original story below for the full context.

‘ Is my (24F) mother (56F) overreacting about me wanting to spend Christmas as a newlywed with just my husband (27M), or am I in the wrong?’

I got married in September of this year to my boyfriend of 5 years. We chose to ‘elope’ (legally it was more of a blessing owing to the differences between marriage laws in our home country and this one) while on holiday in one of our favourite countries.

We then returned home and had a ‘ceremony’ where we signed all of the official documents and legally became husband and wife. This was attended by our parents and siblings, so 7 people in total (I promise this is all related to the overall issue).

This wasn’t at all a spur of the moment decision, we wanted a ‘wedding’ exactly like this, something that everyone knew about and was seemingly on board with. For as many years as I can remember, I’ve wanted to spend my first Christmas as a married couple (with the proviso that I/we had our own place).

By this I mean the day itself – cooking together, potentially burning the meal together, napping in front of the tv when the Queen’s speech is on – it’s something I’ve always envisaged. I told my boyfriend about it years ago, and he loved the idea as much as me. To clarify, this would just be the day itself, not the whole festive period.

This was something that mine and my husband’s family were made aware of, and both said they initially understood. We live around 80 miles from my family, and 170 miles from my husband’s family – the initial plan was to see my boyfriend’s family over this coming weekend, and my parents on Boxing Day.

As Christmas has come closer, it’s become clear that my family, namely my mother, has become increasingly uncomfortable with the fact that we’re not going to be spending Christmas with either her or my husband’s family.

To give you an idea of past Christmases, for the first 3 years of our relationship we spent Christmas apart, then spent Christmas with my family the year after, and last Christmas with my husband’s family. My mother started by making comments that they are going to miss out on seeing me on Christmas for two years in a row,

while my husband’s parents are only missing out on a year. I pointed out that if we go to visit my parents next Christmas, then his parents won’t have seen him for two years and so they’ll be ‘even’, but that it wasn’t a competition in the slightest.

To highlight family structures, Christmas with my family is with my parents, my brother and his girlfriend on alternate years (they are with them this year though) and my uncle (mother’s brother) and his husband. My husband’s family is his parents, his two brothers, and his mother’s brother.

So it’s not as if either family is having a distinctly smaller Christmas if we are not attending. My mother has been asking if it’s better to just post us our presents, and implying that we won’t be making the trip down to see them on Boxing Day. Again, I’ve shut her down about this.

The reason I am posting is that we rang my mother in law yesterday to confirm plans for visiting over the weekend, and she said that my mother had been in contact with her to ask if we were secretly spending Christmas with them and lying to my family about it.

She told my mother that as far as she knew we were sticking to our original plan of Christmas together, and we definitely weren’t going to them. It hurts that my mother thinks we’re trying to get out of seeing them.

My mother has recently been raising the point that since our wedding that she disagreed with our choice to elope, and that spending Christmas ‘alone’ is an extension of that. In the past few days she has said that she thinks we’re alienating ourselves from the rest of the world.

I disagree – we love spending time with both of our families, and our choice to elope was due to a combination of cost and overall need; we don’t have thousands of pounds to spend on just one day so that random cousins one or other of us have never met can get loaded from an open bar.

This was something that once again my mother said she completely understood. I just want to get the wider perspective to see if what I’m doing is out of line. As a final note, I do browse this sub, and usually whenever anyone posts about their parents the advice is to go to specific subreddits and to call the parents a**sive narcissists

– I don’t believe at all that my mother falls into that category. I believe that she is openly sharing her personal opinion and feelings with me, and she is completely justified in doing that without being at all narcissistic. I just want to see if I’m the one in this situation who acting in the wrong.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

MikkiTh −  We celebrate Christmas at home & have shut this down by saying “We’re starting our own family and intend to create our own traditions just as you did.” They sputter, they mutter, but they don’t have a comeback. 17 years later it still works.

damnmoon −  What does she think is going to happen if you have kids soon and you can’t spend hours driving them across the country? You say your brother alternates spending the holidays with your family and his girlfriend’s – does she react the same way to him, or is it just because you’re not spending the day with any family at all?

charleneandfriends −  You don’t need permission from your mother to spend Christmas as you wish. Nothing you’ve described is illegal, unethical or even rude. Live your best life and take something nice to your parents on Boxing Day.

UsagiDreams −  There is absolutely nothing wrong with this and she is completely overreacting. Be firm.

Revo63 −  You and your husband have every right to spend Christmas alone together if that is what you wish. Tell your mom that you love her and will see her soon. And that there will be plenty of Christmas’s to look forward to.

kevin_k −  My mother started by making comments that they are going to miss out on seeing me on Christmas for two years in a row, while my husband’s parents are only missing out on a year. This is goofy talk.

You are not a toy to be shared between them, and an adult isn’t entitled to demand her “share” of another adult’s holiday time, even if the other adult is their offspring.

And *especially* when you’re newly married and are your own family unit, and celebrating your first Christmas in a way you’ve always wanted to. If ever there were a situation where “It’s not all about you” were called for, this is it.

vishtratwork −  My parents push to see everyone on holidays, Christmas being the big one. I get it, I hate the idea of not seeing my little girls on Christmas, hope they live with me forever… but also not really. You want kids to grow up and be independent, just portions on that sometimes s**k. Just be patient with them, but firm in your “no”.

[Reddit User] −  She’s not recently annoyed, I suspect. She just didn’t know how to express it and/or thought she would “win” the Christmas battle.. ​
Hold your ground. It’s one day. If she doesn’t want to see you on boxing day then that is on her, but just be clear that its your choice where you spend Christmas.

If you don’t hold your ground now, you’ll be having the same fight every year and then when kids come, then what? Just no. Enjoy your Christmas. Have whatever fight she is desperate for on boxing day. And tell her she cannot call your inlaws again because THAT s**t is ridiculous

EnigmaticSphynx −  Well I don’t know if your mom is a n**cissist or not, but you will soon find out as your will diverges from her will. If she respects your will after you effectively communicate your feelings to her she is not one. If she amps up her aggression and manipulation after you stand your ground then you will know she is a n**cissist.

I will say her phoning your mother-in-law and misrepresenting what you said is not a good sign… Your mom voicing her feelings is not narcissistic behavior. It is the unwillingness to put aside one’s own feelings and respecting someone else’s feeling as valid that will tell you who she is.

Lastly what you are doing is perfectly normal. It is your right to determine how your new immediate family spends their time and lives their life. You already educated both sides of the family how you were going to proceed. Your mother seems to be the only one trying to start problems.

Phobos75 −  Who is in the right? Neither of you is wrong to an extent. You’re both entitled to your opinions and feelings about how the day should go down. Your mom is reasonably disappointed but now has reached the point of overstepping. Reaching out to your MIL to see if you’re lying about how you’re spending Christmas is waaay inappropriate.

The remarks about not seeing them on boxing day and the guilt tripping comments on how you’ve spent Christmas with hubby’s family in the past, are uncalled for. She gets one comment on it but if she continues to do it, be frank about how the comments are uncalled for.

That you understand she’s disappointed but this is the plan and you’re sticking to it. That you don’t care about her less or that you don’t want to spend time with her, that’s why you’re spending Boxing Day with them. At some point, you just get off the phone if she continues to escalate.

Do you think the Redditor’s choice to prioritize her first Christmas as a married couple was reasonable, or should she have compromised more to accommodate family traditions? How would you balance personal milestones with family expectations? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/FxMak