Is it wrong that I’m beginning to hate my MIL & Partner after they’ve gotten closer?

A Reddit user shared her frustration with her boyfriend’s growing dependence on his mother, especially after a family tragedy. While she understands the grief they’re experiencing, she feels excluded from supporting her partner emotionally and struggles to navigate her emotions. Read the full story below and share your perspective on her dilemma.

‘ Is it wrong that I’m beginning to hate my MIL & Partner after they’ve gotten closer?’

Hello everyone, first, I want to thank you all for any advice, whether harsh or kind. Right now, I feel like I need to hear different opinions. For context, I (23F) have been with my partner (23M) since we were both 17. Over the past 6 years, we’ve had some disagreements about his relationship with his mother (45). To explain, I’ve always been very independent, but my boyfriend is extremely dependent on his mom.

She does everything for him—washing his clothes, cooking his meals, reminding him about appointments, and generally hovering around him. She even changed jobs because he asked her to. Meanwhile, his younger sisters don’t receive this level of attention. My boyfriend doesn’t mind this, saying she just cares, but he does admit sometimes it’s too much, though she quickly goes back to her behavior.

I get along with her well, and she’s never been mean or possessive over him, but her behavior can be irritating. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I’ve learned to live with it as for the most part, we’re at my home.

Recently, my boyfriend’s uncle passed away after battling cancer, and it’s been an emotional time for his family. I’ve been staying with them for the last two weeks, supporting my partner and his sisters as they rely on me for emotional comfort.

My boyfriend’s mom is heartbroken and naturally very c**ngy with him, but he is also very dependent on her. They’re constantly hugging, sitting together, and the other night, she even got into bed with us while we were crying. He’s always messaging or calling her and says he never wants to leave her.

I understand she’s grieving, but right now, I feel frustrated. It seems like there’s no room for me to comfort my partner, and he is constantly seeking reassurance from his mother. I don’t know if my feelings are normal or if I’m overreacting, but I feel both awful and angry. I want to get through this period so my boyfriend and his family can grieve properly, but I’m struggling to manage my emotions during this time.

Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated.. TL;DR: I’m feeling frustrated and confused about my boyfriend’s strong dependence on his mother, especially during a difficult time after his uncle’s passing. While I understand she’s grieving, I feel like there’s no space for me to support him emotionally, and he constantly seeks reassurance from her. I’m struggling with my emotions and would appreciate any advice or insights on how to handle this situation.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

peacefrog410 −  His relationship with his mom sounds very codependent. Without some work this isn’t going to change. He wants a “mommy” and will probably only try to lean on you, if you start doing everything for him as well. This will be a nightmare if you have children.

CarrotofInsanity −  He’s not grown up yet, and his mom is doing everything to keep him dependent and to herself. I know this is radical, but you need to break up with him. UNLESS you want to spend the rest of your life COMPETING with his mother for attention, support, etc. Crawling into bed with you was completely inappropriate and unacceptable. You are watching your future play out and it’s not a pretty picture.. So back away. Far away.

Get back to your place, and tell him it’s clear he needs his mom and you’re feeling like you’re in the way and you need some time to yourself to figure things out. Please break up with this guy. You’re already unhappy with the dynamics you’ve had a front row seat to.. It’s not going to get better.

Niodia −  You are too young to tie yourself down with a momma’s boy. Go to the JUSTNOMIL subreddit and have a GOOD look at what life will be like. Double down on birth control. Do NOT have kids with this boy if you can help it!

mangoserpent −  Why are you dating somebody with this dynamic?

benoitmalenfant −  Si your boyfriend is 23 going on 12.

shurker_lurker −  You don’t want to support him grieving, you want to get in between him grieving the way he’s choosing to grieve. Do you have family you can stay with to give him space? The absence could work in your favor to get him to feel something outside of the grief by him missing you and getting back to focusing on the living. There’s just no good way to ask him to lean on you more because it will make you feel better.

WritPositWrit −  You inserted yourself into their home during a time of great family grief for all of them, and you’re annoyed that she’s not letting you be the Big Comforter? He may find more comfort with his mother right now. It was her brother who died, right?

Now is the one time that their mutual clinginess makes sense. Why are YOU attempting to be the sole source of “emotional comfort” for the entire family (boyfriend, sisters, their mom)??? All the rest of the time their relationship would drive me up a wall and I don’t know how you’ve coped. But right now, you need to step back and let them grieve the way they need to grieve.

ShelfLifeInc −  she even got into bed with us while we were crying. He’s always messaging or calling her and says he never wants to leave her.. This is damn weird. I’m guessing she doesn’t have a husband, does she?

NoxWild −  His close relationship with his mother when you were both 17 and still in school seemed nice to you. He was still a child. So were you. But now, five years later, you’ve grown into an adult, but he still acts like a child and she still acts like his mommy. It’s no longer nice or normal. It’s codependent and immature and icky.

Neither your bf nor his mother believe there’s anything wrong with their interaction, and it is highly doubtful you can change their point of view. You are just now realizing. He will always prioritize his mother’s needs and wants before yours. ALWAYS.

And he will be offended or upset if you expect better treatment. He will believe you are jealous and needy for expecting a normal partner relationship with him. Suggestion: Go home. Leave him and his mother to cuddle and comfort each other. Accept that he doesn’t want or need you right now.

Then think very carefully if you want to deal with his codependency issues forever. ask yourself if you want to be his backup/replacement mommy, because that’s who you are and who you will become. You might want to at least experience dating an independent adult man and see if you prefer it.

LTDangerous −  To put this as politely as I can, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. What he’s doing is what he needs. The loss of a family member often brings those left behind closer together.

If you’re resenting their closeness, I’m sorry to say thats on you. She’s still his mother and will always be important to him. Right now they both need one another that bit more, but it doesn’t mean you don’t matter. It just means you need to pop your jealousy to one side for now. If the inverse were true and you grew close to your father, you’d be pretty upset if he didn’t like that, yes?

I know it sounds blunt and clearly you’re not fully on board with her doting on him a bit (and, sure, he has to learn independence) but, hate to say it, while he’s grieving your needs are secondary. Be there regardless but remember you are there for him to help him feel better, not you. You can deal with all the rest another time.

Hypothetically, is it possible he isn’t involving you because he worries he’d be dragging your mood down? Men sometimes don’t go asking for help. Maybe it’s worth taking the initiative and reminding him that if there’s anything he needs he only has to ask.